I feel low right now. We've been busy, with still a lot of work to be done in the coming days but I've gotten used to being tired since I started working at the hospital. What I cannot easily handle however, are confrontations and relational problems.
Haay...now I have a better understanding of why God hasn't sent His chosen partner for me yet. Last Sunday, Ate got mad at me for 'over-reacting' on her sudden change of mind and I felt really heavy I immediately said sorry for whatever it is that I did. I didn't know what I did wrong, but I was sorry for hurting her.
And today, I feel guilty yet again because I've caused conflict between me, my boss and a co-worker from another department. We're both members of the founding anniversary committee as secretariat and naturally, I followed orders and did whatever I can to assist our Chairman. I welcomed the work and really made every effort to produce whatever was requested of me immediately; however, I got offended when she was requesting for some information she could have just obtained from the Department concerned instead of coursing her question through me and another colleague, asking us to get back to her once we got the information.
It's during these times that my introversion clearly manifests itself because I really hate confrontations. I didn't know how to react. I felt bad but I gave her what she was asking for nonetheless. This morning however, I expressed how I felt to my boss who acted on it. In short, she got reprimanded because of what I shared.
And now I feel bad not only because I'm allergic to conflicts but because I'm also torn inside. I felt that what she did was not right, but I also feel that telling my boss about it wasn't also right. I only wanted to be open, and to express my feelings; but now, after everything that's happened, I've been asking myself, is that what I merely wanted? Or was I hoping at the back of my mind that something be done so she won't be like that anymore?
Whenever I feel like I'm playing the martyr, I recite this verse in my head and assure myself that what I'm doing would give glory to God:
A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense.
Proverbs 19:11
I've always prayed for God to help me be the good and faithful servant that He wants me to be- to be meek and gentle as His Word says. I'm very far from it, I know, but He also knows that I keep on trying, putting others first even though it hurts already. I don't want to appear self-righteous, to others and even to myself, but I also know that I'm supposed to be meek, gentle, patient, forgiving, and loving- and all these things I try to be even though I fail at times.
But as I thought about what happened, I felt that it didn't have to reach that point where I-felt-so-bad-I-had-to-share-it-with-someone-else if I only asserted myself. Then again, how sure was I that we would be able to meet halfway? I can only control my own feelings and reactions but I can never control theirs.
And that is why I feel low right now. I feel a bit drained even. I know it's the selfish part of me talking now but I feel like I'm giving, and have given so much of myself and I'm not getting enough back. And while it's supposed to be fulfilling that way, it isn't for me. And instead of feeling secure, I feel this longing to be appreciated and loved back.
And now I think I've gone a very a long way from just being low. Jesus help me...my demons are getting stronger and I don't know what to do. I am very very sorry for feeling this way...but it's not comfort that I seek; instead, I pray that you would give me the wisdom to discern what you want me to do. And help me to overcome all these negative feelings by reminding me of the never-ending reasons to be grateful. I pray that your perfect love would drive out all my fears and insecurities, so I may once again be filled with tears, no longer of sorrow but of joy.
I don't think it would happen overnight, but as I keep trying, help me be content and secured in the knowledge that you see me and know me, yet you still love me. May I do the same to other people, especially to those I really love.
For now, help me sleep not in tears but in peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment