Friends are asking why I'm not posting on Facebook..haha. They've been used to it by now but this one's different, they say. It crossed my mind too, as I want to give back all the glory to God and let the people in my past and present world know of His goodness and faithfulness in my life. But privacy won and I opted to share in the celebration of our batch via IG where I have fewer friends, mostly from med school. I also sent a private message to the people I'd like to thank instead, for journeying with me, supporting me and helping me achieve this dream of becoming a doctor, one step at a time.
People have been congratulating me, and despite missing our graduation ceremony because of the pandemic, it still is a great victory, and I can only stand in awe of how the Lord directed me to this path, provided for everything I needed and more, and sustained me not only to make it through each day, but also to excel. There are many things that I do not deserve in this life, and the bigger the gift or the achievement, the more overwhelmed I become of God's favor in my life and my family then until now. My only contribution to all these is my whole-hearted response to the call. By giving me the desire to pursue becoming a doctor and exchange my well-laid plans with an uncertain future, the Lord invited me four years ago to give up control, throw away my timeline, not think about what others would think or say, and just TRUST HIM. Making that decision, to truly entrust my future to Him, was the most liberating and life-changing decision for me so far, after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
And it wasn't without a struggle. I took my time deciding Lord, didn't I?..haha..You know I am hardly spontaneous (you wired me this way..haha) and that I've learned to protect myself from unnecessary disappointments by rejecting entitlement as much as I can, not letting myself dream of things that seem impossible, or whose fulfillment would involve other people beyond myself. I equated security with contentment, and I refrained from asking for things that I want, and focused on things that I could work hard for. The pain of rejection from way back when I was young ran deep, and my healing came with focusing on what I could give over what I could get or wanted. It didn't help that I am uncomfortable with drastic changes..haha..and You know me so well - that even though I dreamed in my heart to become a doctor, I would never go as far as inquire about it or even consider the possibility, because I knew it would change not only my life, but also that of my family.
So that dream was shelved in the deepest confines of my heart, only to be forced out unexpectedly by using a generous sponsor who offered to pay for my tuition fees in med school, no matter how expensive they were. I was excited, but I kept myself from being too excited to protect my heart from disappointment. I asked, "What about my plans? My income? My contribution to the family finances? My chances of getting married? My obstetric clock? (this one's funny, coming from someone who never had a boyfriend..haha) Isn't it too late? Am I not too old for this?"; but all these were minor because in my heart the real questions were..."Will my family support me? Will it mean putting their lives on hold too to support my dream? Will I be a burden to them?" because although my tuition is covered, I knew that the expenses would go beyond the already very expensive school fees - for allowance, books, projects, etc. Just the thought of not earning my own money and be totally dependent on others scared me. It scared Papa too, but my sisters were braver, and their full support gave me hope to give it a try and at least take the first steps towards an NMAT and an application. My prayer as I was going through the process was, "Don't lead me too far Lord if this is not your will for me."
But the Lord was probably scratching his head saying, "Can't you see that it is? But I am patient, I'll let you see..." He did, and I never looked back. He changed my Papa's heart...He blessed my sisters' work tremendously and I have never once felt that I was a burden to them...He led me to FEU-NRMF and introduced me to a scholarship opportunity during the orientation, that could provide me with more than enough funds for my books, school materials (a laptop, a tablet), daily needs and more...He gave me the courage to apply and the favor to be accepted...He showed me grace and favor in every class, every exam, every project, and enabled me to meet the requirements to maintain the scholarship...He led me to people who've become my family in this journey...He increased my influence and expanded my territory...and He enabled me to finish, not just strong, but strongest. There were a lot of trials and disappointments too along the way, but not being in control did not scare me. It made me braver, and motivated me to continue, comforted by the knowledge that the One in charge and the One who put me here, is (as the song goes) a Waymaker, Miracle Worker, and a Promise-keeper.
We still have a long way to go Lord, but despite not knowing what's in store especially with the pandemic, I am not worried 😊. My role in this partnership is to obey and respond. I do not need to know what your plans for me are exactly. Your unchanging character, your might, and your love for me assures me that it will be awesome! My prayer now, is no longer that you won't lead me too far, but only that You would lead me and help me stay on track (cue You Make Me Brave by Bethel Music).
All glory to you Lord! Thank you for this victory! 🙏
Love,
Katrina A. Paglicawan, RN
Doctor of Medicine, Class 2020
Magna Cum Laude
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