MY 2011 RESOLVES

I've been under a lot of stress lately, doing hunger-provoking intellectual stuff, that I'm so glad for this short blogging break (parang bladder break lang..haha:) I managed to convince myself to take without battling with my conscience. After all, I wouldn't need to rush if I had finished all those things months ago; and for that, I felt like I deserve a punishment, so I settled on depriving myself of things other than work. Procrastination is still a serious concern for me. For me it isn't just delaying finishing my tasks. It's also about not being the responsible person I claim to be; and because I was rushing, the fruit of my work also reflected the sin of mediocrity. I also ended up lying, making up reasons to justify why I couldn't meet the deadline. Haaay, this, among other events at this time of the year (hello? isn't the year just starting?) makes me want to go to a retreat, reflect on the past week and year, and probably set up a list of My 2011 Resolves. Someone told me that resolves, being 'firm resolutions', are better, as juxtaposed with plain 'resolutions'. But what's in a word or in these words, if I don't live up to their meanings? So now, I have decided to come up with my New Year's list and by the end of the year, I hope to look back and place JOB WELL DONE beside each entry:).

MY 2011 RESOLVES
1. I resolve to act on my responsibilities immediately, and to finish them all on time.
2. I resolve to be more helpful, show more initiative.
3. I resolve to be less impatient.
4. I resolve to be less critical of others.
5. I resolve to weigh my thoughts and words carefully before I share them with others.
6. I resolve to commit to daily prayer and devotion.
7. I resolve to commit to at least a week of prayer and fasting before the year ends.
8. I resolve to commit to a weekly prayer with Ate, other people or alone, for items other than my personal requests.
9. I resolve to take responsibility for myself, especially in the financial aspect, as early as possible within the year.
10. I resolve to avoid participation in gossips about other people.
11. I resolve to show more kindness and compassion to the people I encounter.
12. I resolve to be braver, especially for things worth fighting for.
13. I resolve to be less selfish and more generous to other people.
14. I resolve to embark on new adventures, collect another FIRST, and make at least one dream of mine come true this year.
15. I resolve to blog more on relevant and inspirational topics.
16. I resolve to indulge myself on many good reads this year, and maybe own one from my savings.
17. I resolve to be more sociable..haha
18. I resolve to finish the yearbook!
19. I resolve to be more organized with my belongings.
20. I resolve to know more places, with the hopes of suppressing my natural instinct to get lost.
21. I resolve to lose weight, engage in more physical activities, and give in less to the cravings of my sweet tooth.
22. I resolve to find a way to be a part of the church.
23. I resolve to surprise Papa, Ate, and Micah with something that would make them happy.
24. I resolve to make an important investment before the year ends.
25. The list goes on actually, but to temporarily end this list, I resolve to keep dealing with this life as if running a marathon, and never a race.

This was part of the 2008 resolves Coach Anne told us about when I was in college, attending Sunday services with Bread of Life Baguio City; and every year since then, I make it a point to include this in my resolves, whether as part of a true list, or just an imaginary list in my mind. As opposed to the usual race, a marathon is more of a test of endurance than that of speed. There are times when I want a lot of things so much, and I want them fast, right at that moment; and although achieving stuff is also good, wanting to have material things, to achieve success, to increase in knowledge and in other perks of this world, sometimes cloud my vision of what really matters in my life. They invoke from me feelings of self-pity, dissatisfaction, envy, pride, and selfishness, among many other nonvirtues I've been trying so hard to heal within my system. I'm grateful that although they've clouded my vision a lot of times already, I've never gotten blind, because God always shows me His light, which shines far brighter than any temptation in this world. I probably haven't seen the worst of them yet, which is why I pray each day for God to "Teach me to number my days aright that I may gain a heart of wisdom"- a heart that relies not on worldly achievements to measure life;but instead, finds joy in investing in good, lasting relationships with others, serving my Creator, and worshipping Him in every word, every move, every feeling, and every thought. When my time to leave this world comes, I hope to be able to measure the length of my days, not by how far I've come, but by how long, and how strong I've remained in my faith.

May each day, Father, of my life on this earth lead me closer to you and your promise. Help me invest on things that last, and things that truly matter as I commit my whole life to you each day. Help me keep my face toward the goal and live a life that is heaven-bound, a life lived according to your example, and a life that allows your light to shine forth in all my relationships, my work, and in our community. I commit all these resolves in Your hands, in You whose strength enables me to do great and mighty things in Your name, according to Your will. I love you Lord, I love you Jesus, I love you Holy Spirit. My year, and my lifetime is yours and yours alone! meow

Off Day

I'm 21 years old, still young it seems, but I already feel so old, and a little useless. I do not fully know myself but I know ME well enough to say that today is not my day, because I'm not myself today. See, even my thoughts do not make any sense, but I'd rather indulge myself in mental diarrhea than hate myself and feel guilty for getting pissed on the simplest of things. Maybe it's the weather, or my health and the possibility that I might get colds again, or the hormones since I skipped my period last month and I'm still waiting for the supposedly regular shedding off of my endometrium. And then there's also the feeling of not doing anything that matters. Now that the training's done and I'm very eager and hopeful to find the "job", feelings of frustration and insecurity set in once in a while. I hate to entertain them, but when my body's down as well, I find it harder to shoo them away. As a result, I'm not my usual smiling self, instead I feel so lazy and grumpy. I've already felt irritated twice today for things that aren't worth it and I so hate myself for it. So here I am, isolating myself in this room, trying to save myself from sins of impatience and unreasonable flare-ups, and finding solace in doing one of the few things that comfort me during this kind of days- WRITING.

Francis Bacon said writing makes a righteous man and as I keep doing this, I hope to remove all the undesirable thoughts and feelings haunting my mind and heart. Father God, teach my heart to just hold on to you, your love for me, and your faithfulness in my life. Comfort my weary soul and free my mind of all the doubts, insecurities and uncertainties that cloud my view of the wonderful plans you have for me. Strengthen my faith, and remind me at all times that your grace is enough, and that I will never lack anything in my life because I already have you. Guard my heart, my mind, my mouth and my body for it is my desire to give you praise in everything that I think, say, or do. Help me to always find peace in Your presence. I love you Lord, thank you so much! meow

Proverbs 16:3
Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

Let's get it on 2011!

It's the first day of 2011 and in just one day, 2010 became so yesterday:). And i mean that in two ways- 1) that 2010 is now a story of the past, and 2) that the entire year passed as if it was just a very long day. The year of the golden tiger certainly roared of surprises and blessings for me combined with some challenges here and there. Someone told me that 2007 was lucky because 7 is God's number, that 2008 was also lucky because 8 stood for infinity, that 9 is a lucky number in itself for 2009, and 10 stood for perfect 10 in 2010. But in whatever year, place, or circumstance, God never fails to give me reasons to be grateful, to give Him praise, and to just love Him more and more each day. And for as long as He's with me, and I with him, each day and year will surely be better than the last.:)

2010 is a jampacked year of beginnings and endings for me and I would like to sum up the highlights in a list:
1. I became a REGISTERED NURSE!
2. I started  a BLOG!
3. I had my FIRST LESSON IN LOVE
4. I experienced life in MANILA!
5. I turned 21!
6. I went to ENCHANTED KINGDOM for the first time!
7. I joined FCF and a discussion group!
8. I completed 7 DAYS OF CONSECRATION (Prayer & Fasting)!
9. I learned and participated in PRAYER DANCES!
10. I trained at NKTI!

and the list goes on with I learned new skills, knowledge, songs, and life lessons; met new friends; cooked better:); and hopefully became more kind, patient, and responsible and less self-centered. I have not yet decided on my specific 2011 resolves and I'm not sure if I will ever formally come up with one. I only pray that I will grow in faith, love, and maturity with each day so that on the 1st day of 2012, I can say with certainty yet with humility that I became a better person! Father God, I still am clueless about what the future holds for me, the only thing that's clear is your unconditional and unfailing love and the assurance that whatever it is that awaits me can only be GREAT and WONDERFUL because it's according to your plan. I love you and I pray that I'll always will! 2011 is our year, yebah! Let's do this! meow