When I Grow up, I want to be...

Being stuck with endless trainings, 6 jobless months after passing the board, made me reflect on why I decided to be a nurse in the first place. I remember back when I was a child, I was already having a hard time deciding on what i want to become when I grow up. That space for ambition in life in my friends' slumbooks always gave me a hard time..haha...I really had no idea then, and being the fickle-minded and ambivalent, yet bright little girl I was:), I just wrote whatever interested me the most at that very moment. I wanted to be a teacher in one, a lawyer in another, a doctor, an engineer, etc. It was still, after all, wasn't such a big issue at that time. It was when I was about to enter 4th year high school when having no specific career path really gave me the worst headache. Nursing was apparently the most popular choice at that time but although i don't really know what i want to become, being a nurse wasn't among my choices. I was having a battle with myself, torn between wanting to obey my parents, and obeying my own self. I remember, when I qualified for a top university in Manila that doesn't offer nursing, I cried, not out of joy, but out of despair. My turning point in that difficult stage of my life was when papa told me, "mawawalan ako ng ganang magpa-aral kung hindi nursing ang kukunin mo." kumusta naman di ba? I can just imagine how guilty he would feel once he reads this..haha...but on a more blame-it-on-myself-not-on-others level, what really made me decide to obey my parents was the fact that aside from wanting to study where my ate angel is, regardless of the course:), i really had no idea on WHAT i wanted to be. So there, i took up nursing and it later turned out, it was the right one for me, i think:) The first few years were easy. I wasn't really proud of my course, but i enjoyed the basic subjects, the environment in baguio, the university, my new friends, my first taste of independence, my first taste of a lot of things in general. The adjustment had been pretty easy, with the help of my relatives and friends, and although my immediate family wasn't physically there to support me (as mama was already sick at that time and they were already staying in manila), they never forgot to keep the lines of communication open.
When I learned that mama had lung cancer, stage IV, that was when I finally came to terms with myself that I really made the right decision, that it was all part of God's plan, so I could be with my youngest sister even just during weekends. Mama wanted me to transfer to a local college to really be with papa and micah while she stays in manila for treatment, but i really cried my heart out to them, firmly said no, and sought the help of my ate angel to convince our parents that asking me to transfer would be too much. I realize now, if i hadn't really wanted nursing, i would've done the same thing, but i meekly obeyed so i probably had considered it then subconsciously.

The final two years of my college education had been physically and mentally demanding, and totally resource-draining, but they were also among the happiest, most productive years of my life. Now I can truly say that I love what I do, because i surely couldn't have survived it, and excelled among all others if i didn't enjoy what i was doing. The things we do, combined with the pressure, the unexpected medical emergencies, the variety of people we deal with, the innumerable cases we handle varying in complexity-everything about the job is enough reason for burn-out. But if only for the simplest thank-you's, the smiles, the praises, and the im-not-supposed-to-accept favors from the many people whose live's i've touched in the practice of my profession, i can now say that if i could go back to that difficult time when i didn't know what course to choose, i would still take up nursing, in obedience to my parents, and to myself as well:). by the way, as a student nurse, i've accepted many favors from my patients, all in the form of food such as biscuits, pastries, baked goodies and the best so far had been 1 bilaong pansit palabok, 3 1.5 L coke, and 1 goldilocks mocha roll. They even gave me an instruction that i could share the pansit and coke to my friends, but i should keep the cake all to myself...haha...i will never forget lolo c______n and his family and they, together with all my other patients, are always in my prayers.

If you have taken note of my choice of words, i've been referring to my career path as WHAT i want to become, not WHO i want to become. i prefer to reserve the term WHO to my most intimate hopes, dreams and wishes for myself and they are to be the ff.:
1.) a homemaker- i've always been a home buddy and i enjoy the things my mother, being the lady of the house, used to do when she was still alive. i'm not talking about the 'housework' as in cleaning, washing, ironing clothes, etc..we consider ourselves fortunate, having had household help since we were kids, although mama made sure that we always do our share in all the house work. I'm talking about running the household in general, turning it to a home and keeping it as such- and that includes decorating the house, keeping it fresh and beautiful, maintaining a garden perhaps, making sure that we have all our essentials available, etc. This is actually a revision of my previous dream to become a housewife:). Not only does it sound better, but it's also more generic, since you have to have a husband to be a housewife, and just a home and a family to be a homemaker:p.
2) a chef- i really really enjoy cooking though it doesn't seem so on my rare:) lazy days...cooking shows are among my most watched shows on tv; and although i know i have to take up culinary seriously to be a chef (which i can't prioritize at the moment), it's enough for me to be a great cook, able to create dishes of wide variety, from the basic to complex viands, to pastas, baked goodies, soups and desserts. all of us in our family love to eat, whether fastfood or fine dining. Papa doesn't always give us what we want, but when it comes to food, he allows us to indulge from time to time, maybe that's why food is so important for us siblings. we actually equate it with celebrations, and sometimes use eating to reduce stress or simply make ourselves happy:)..when i finally become the great cook i want to be, our family will never run out of delicious foods to share and eat together, i promise:)
3) a pianist- i would've wanted to become a virtuoso but that's way too unrealistic, especially for someone like me who doesn't know how to play a single instrument, so to be a pianist, a very good one, would be fine:). i promised myself that i would learn how to play the piano before i get pregnant but in case i'm destined to be single, i would still want to be a very good pianist. It's my favorite musical instrument and i find it relaxing to play with those keys while at the same time make good music. i actually imagine singing and playing the piano at my sister's and friend's wedding, and sometimes, i also imagine playing it at my own wedding:)
4) a bookstore owner- reading is probably my best hobby especially as opposed to playing computer games and watching tv :p..and after watching the movie you've got mail when i was so much younger, i started dreaming of owning a bookstore someday, although a book collection at home would also be great! the National Bookstore (pls forward payment for the ad to...:) was my comfort zone in my college days...i felt close to heaven, just being there, choosing among a wide variety of books and school supplies, which is the same feeling i get in a grocery or furniture store..haha..unessential school supplies, especially all kinds of tapes (scotch tape, magic tape, masking tape, double tape, etc.), are one of the few luxuries i allow for myself, so having a bookstore of my own would probably feel 10 times closer to heaven:)
5) a painter- i used to think i was created left-handed for nothing (art-wise) until i was forced to paint for two high school projects. i'm not good at drawing but i'm better in decorating, mixing colors and creating designs and it truly showed in the two paintings i have created. they were both good so my self-esteem in terms of being an artist really skyrocketed to the highest level, enough to keep myself dreaming that i could be a great painter someday, not really to make a living out of it but to just create masterpieces i can proudly hang at home.

Other dreams of mine would be to travel the Philippines and world with my family, and see the beauty of God's creation in different ways. Apparently, i'm not really an adventurous person, even my dreams are just simple, reflective of the child and woman in me. They're all achievable and i intend to make them all happen, with God's help in whom all things are possible:) God bless me and my dreams!