You Can't Always Get What You Want

I rarely feel down and troubled but when I do, my friends make sure that just like in the song, I can always call on them, and they'll be there for me. I haven't really been well since my birthday, and since Mark and I had a misunderstanding. I've already bragged about mastering the art of isolating 'not so good' feelings from the good ones, and I do that each day, not letting my worries and loneliness affect my daily activities and dealings with other persons, but letting them go permanently is, I guess, something I cannot do until they are really, truly, and definitely resolved. By honestly telling him what I want for myself, for us; by reinforcing my womanhood and insisting that I want to start our relationship right; and by wanting to feel secure, loved and valued, I thought I was doing the right thing. And up until now, I still believe that I did the right thing. I'm not sure if I did it right (though I couldn't think of any other way of saying it); but I am very sure of what I want and I won't settle for anything less...or maybe I would, but the proposal for a compromise must come from him. But in case it was I who messed up, I can no longer take back what I said and I don't also want to do that, I can only say sorry for hurting him and keep praying that he would understand what I want to happen, or if not, at least we could settle our differences enough to remain friends, especially because we've been family friends even before I was born. And because more than being my first love, he's also been a very good friend to me. I know that our story has been going on for too long, it's high time for closure; and by closure, I mean that either we'll finally be together as a couple, or we'll both realize that we can't be any more than friends. I used to think that after all we've been through, we deserve to give our relationship a chance; but now, I realized that wouldn't it be unfair for the both of us to just 'try' for the sake of the many years we've waited for each other? That's why I hope that this would already be the last of our endless pre-closure arguments and I pray that we would finally understand each other, and hopefully reach a happy ending soon. I admit that I am afraid, that I dread the possibility of having to end things not in the way I've imagined them to be. And it's this fear that compelled me to consult my best buds, not really knowing what I want from them. Perhaps I was looking for advice, for support, or just someone who would listen.
My friends had different opinions about my situation. Though they're my friends, they were never biased and they've always balanced objectivity, empathy, and concern in helping me deal with my problems that's why I'm very proud, and thankful, to have them as my friends. Actually, the moment I told them that I have a problem, they already knew what it was about..haha..am I that predictable? It was Barb who told me that I'm blessed with wonderful family and friends that's why it could only be a BOY problem..haha..
Barb, being a male himself, enlightened me of the possibility that maybe, he got tired of waiting, and by asking him some things, he probably thought that he only waited all these years for nothing. For some who only know that he's been courting me for years, I might appear as 'nagpaasa lang sa wala'. But the question that would link to why I'm like this is, 'What has he really done to pursue me all these years?' I've been honest with him from the moment he told me that he likes me. I told him that I can't return his feelings because I was still young and studying. He said he would wait, and there's really nothing I can do with that because it's his decision. So we remained friends, close friends, and although I love him, I was firm with him and with myself that I wouldn't get involved in a relationship without my parents' blessing. But I guess I wasn't that firm, because my feelings still showed in my actions. Until one day, napilit niya kong sabihin how I truly feel, assuring me  that he won't demand anything from me, that he only wants to know. At siyempre, makakapagdeny pa ba naman ako eh obvious na rin naman. So there, from platonic friends, we became special friends with a mutual understanding. Until one day, ang sabi niya, nililigawan na daw niya ako. Nothing has changed really so I told him, 'hindi ko dama'. And since then, we've had so many arguments about his alleged courtship and my complaints of not recognizing and feeling his efforts, especially when it was I who had to make the effort so we could talk and see each other. And when I told him that when we see each other again, 'dalagang Pilipina' na ako, meaning I would let him make the effort to see me, talk to me, etc. That's when he got really mad at me. I just want to feel valued, and I don't want to have this need to explain to others especially to my father whenever I organize a meeting with him. Well in fairness to him, he's actually made lots of effort to keep in touch with me, sometimes to fetch me or take me home, but I don't understand why he can't ask me out, or why he can't see me in normal, ordinary situations. I guess he's so used to having things the easy way, he really isn't up to the challenge...waaah, but am I really so mean and demanding to ask for a few things?
My daling Loy certainly doesn't think so. She told me that if he really likes me, he would make the effort to really court me, make me feel loved and valued. And as an argument against what Gregg and Barb said that 'not all men would do that', my daling believes that men are not the same with all the women they like. She further said that if a man thinks a woman is worth the effort, he would realize the need to do extra things, even without being asked. And of course I believe that I'm worth the effort. I may not have the experience that would certify my abilities as a good girlfriend but I really believe that I'm quite a catch.
Madzy, on the other hand, insisted on the fact that maybe, we really just don't understand each other. She told me that I should tell him directly what I want, which is that my family would readily know that he's courting me without being told by other people, so they would also readily understand when I finally say yes and agree to be his girlfriend. The final most important thing is the PROPOSAL, he should ask me to be his girlfriend. I think I deserve that. And in fairness to me, I think I've explained all these things to him before. They were things he actually also agreed to; but when he got mad, he told me that he was actually hurting when he agreed with me on these things. He said that I was being too hard on him, which I really don't understand.
In the end, all of these really is just up to us. I've already sent him messages, explaining my side, and expressing my desire to understand each other, to patch things up and settle things once and for all. He hasn't replied to any of them and I'll try again tonight, just like what I always do. It can be tiring you know, being the side who would more often push for peace (always is too absolute) even if I feel that I am the aggrieved party. At least now, I know very well what my problem with him is. I do not feel that he's courting me, and consequently, I do not feel that he loves me as much as he tells me he does.  I know the problem is not one-sided, and I also know that I've also done things that contributed to what we are now, but I'm determined to make it right this time. May the Lord help me, guide me, and bless me because I really have no idea if what I'm doing is truly right. And my highest praise and thanksgiving goes to Him for I know that all these will pass, that He has a greater plan for all of us, and that for as long as I put my whole trust in Him, everything will be more than alright in the end. Most of all, I thank Him for my friends and family who are always there for me. They're among the endless reasons why I'm always assured that God loves me, and cares for me. Life, after all, isn't always fair, at least at the moment; and you can't always get what you want in this life. But as the song goes, if you try sometime, then you just might find, you get what you need:)...My Saviour Jesus Christ, unto You be all the glory! meow