My sisters and I took after our mothers in many ways. I don't know much about my Mama Susie; the limited things I know about her are mostly from the stories of our neighbors, close family friends, and relatives. I was only 3 years old when she died and I can no longer remember that part of my childhood. I don't know what happened to my mind, but it just shut off most of the events that happened when I was very young such that the earliest memory I have occurred when I was already 4 or 5 years old. It isn't even vivid, I just 'somehow' remember how my nursery room looked like. But the things that happened to our family, when Mama Susie died, when Mama Josie became our second mother, those things I can no longer remember. So it was only through her pictures, and through other people's stories that I was able to conjure an image, a memory of her.
For one, she is very beautiful, quite a catch, and I actually think that my father's very lucky to have her. Anyone who would find even half the man Papa is for a partner is also very lucky although this post isn't about him so I'm saving my praises, probably for his birthday:) Back to Mama Susie, being the pretty, pampered lady that she was, people also describe her as very feminine, wears thick make-up and 'very short' shorts, unskilled in 'dirty' household chores, can't sleep in a mat, and doesn't eat shrimps and crabs. Between me and Ate Angel, people say that it was I who took after her. They say I look like her although I think she's way much prettier. I eat shrimps and crabs although I admit that I used to not have the patience to break the crab shell so I just wait for Papa to give me some meat, for which Papa said that "I'm like my mother". I can sleep on the mat, with stress on the word 'can'. When I was much younger, we had a household rule that said "Kailangan sa banig matulog kapag maysakit, para hindi matuyuan ng pawis"; and I was a sickly child so I had to sleep on the mat many nights in a row while they were all comfortable in their mattresses. So whenever I would express my dislike, Papa would always explain why it's needed and would end up saying, "Para kang mama mo." I rarely wear make-up, as in RARELY; however, Papa doesn't seem to enjoy seeing me applying color on my face and he would always say, "Para kang mama mo, ang kapal-kapal magmake-up," even when my make-up's so light it was unnoticeable. There are very few pictures at home, all taken when she was still single, with Mama Susie wearing thick make-up, which translates to 'smoky eyes'..hahaha. In fairness, my mom's good at doing it; but we all agree that she's most beautiful without it. As with the shorts, I understand that it was also fashionable back then, and my mom surely had what it takes to wear one publicly; for unlike Ate and I, she was also gifted with a petite frame. My mom was a teacher in our local public high school and one of her students who learned that I was her daughter while we were riding a bus together told me, "Alam mo, yung mama mo ang pinakamagandang teacher sa buong Bacnotan National High School nung kapanahunan niya." I just hope he wasn't asking at the back of his mind, "What happened?":)
But more than my mother's physical attributes, likes, dislikes and mannerisms, she is well remembered and forever loved by the people who know her, as a very sweet, kind and generous woman. Papa said that they needed house-help even when they didn't have kids yet because Mama Susie's inexperienced with the dirty side of housework. She's not used to doing housework per se but she loved to cook and to experiment on new recipes, and she would always cook enough to have something to share to all of our neighbors. I've never heard anyone say anything bad about her character, not because she's dead but because they have nothing but praises for my mom's kindness and generosity, so much so that she's also described as gullible. Papa even enjoys telling the story about my mom, cheated into paying for a betamax player she hasn't even seen. Someone ran to our house to report to Papa that Mama was at the gate of our compound crying. Mama was pregnant (with me or Ate) then so Papa literally rushed to her aid, only to find out that my mother has been cheated. Of course, Papa said nothing but words of consolation, trying to avoid anything that would further upset Mama although in his mind, he was also probably irritated with the money that was lost. And when we asked him how Mama could've fallen for it, he answered "Eh sobrang bait nga kasi ng Mama Susie."
Ate Angel and I would probably pass for 'mabait' but not 'sobrang bait'. We both have our share of outbursts, sometimes out of anger, most of the time out of impatience, and we're still on the process of becoming better. Between Ate and I, I believe I trust more easily and am also gullible at times but we both know that we're 'suplada' at different levels. We also have a more conservative, yet not so feminine take on our fashion statement and demeanor but I hope to come close to the fine, kind-hearted lady that she is one day. Again, I have no memories of our mother-child relationship except for what I see in the pictures; but even without her physical presence, I know she was with us then and until now. I hate to admit it but I wasn't a happy child. I had so many issues, as in, I think I had a mild case of middle-child syndrome. I lacked a sense of belongingness and for many times I thought and felt that I wasn't loved, deluded in overwhelming thoughts of unworthiness, not being good enough, always doing the wrong things, and most of all, SELF-PITY. I didn't have a best friend and Ate and I fought all the time and I couldn't express how I felt to my parents without fear of rejection, and worse, rebuke; so at a very young age, I treasured my time being alone. I was also a sickly child so I wasn't allowed to participate much in the outdoor games my ate and our neighbors play together; and for the few times that I was allowed, I was more of a liability than an asset in the group so unfortunate to have me (haha) so they weren't really enthusiastic to have me in their teams. Our neighbors, who were probably clueless about the personality-injurious impact of subjective comparison (Anne is more ___ than Ana), dubbed me as 'maarte' like my Mama Susie, while ate was the outgoing, 'astig' type whose company is loved by all. I viewed myself then as her weak, sickly, and cry-baby sibling who was less than her in everything except in singing (bongga!:) So whenever I'm sad, I just usually lock up in the room and cry my heart out. The funny thing is, I found it soothing to cry in front of the mirror (parang nagwoworkshop lang:) while embracing my favorite pillow. And this is where my so precious memory of my Mama Susie comes into play. I couldn't share my heartaches to anyone living, so I sought comfort, and found it, in the knowledge that my Mama Susie is always with me:), that she sees me from heaven, that she knows how I feel, and that together with Jesus, she would just have to embrace me and I would find peace and understanding in whatever it is I'm going through.
Sometimes, I still wish I had known her better, that I had greater awareness of my environment even at a very young age, so I could still remember in my mind how she looked like without having to think of photographs, how she cared for me and loved me, how she was a mother to me. Thankfully, what my mind seem to have forgotten, my heart vividly remembered. And if there's a life lesson I know by heart, it would be that everything happens for a reason, and for us, children of God, everything works according to God's plan, for the good of those who love Him. Mama, I love you so much and I'll forever be thankful to you for bearing me and bringing me out safely into this world, for letting us know and love God through your example, for being the best mother to us, physically for the first 3 years of my life, and until now, for guiding and assuring us of your loving presence in our lives. I know you are happy and grateful for what we have become, and I'll continue to make you proud, together with Papa and Mama Josie. I love you dearly and I miss you so much...:)
And now, I'm ending this entry with your favorite passage in the Bible:)
P.S.
Part II is on the way, a feature entry on my Mama Josie:) meow
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