The Discipline of Gratefulness

So it's true...keeping a journal or a personal blog like this is a good idea after all. I find it therapeutic and entertaining to read things I never even imagined I could write (emotions, whether positive or negative really does something to me), and even better, I get to examine myself and reflect on who I've become through my scribbled thoughts.

This evening I came across one of my previous posts entitled As I Wait On You where I wrote about how happy and thankful I was for the promotion I got more than a year ago. It made me remember how happy I really was that I was so determined to record it for future reference. Little did I know that this happy post would make me realize a lot of things more than a year later...

Recently (August 18, 2014), I got promoted once again to Nurse II. I was one of the five who were promoted, and I really experienced God's intervention in the entire process because by human standards alone, my paper was honestly not supposed to be there yet. One of the requirements was 1 year Very Satisfactory performance as Nurse I. I just celebrated my first year on June 1, 2014 whereas the other candidates for promotion have submitted their papers for months (if not years) already. I had second thoughts on submitting my paper actually because I was afraid of what people would say about me, but I was comforted by Maam Gemma, our clerk, who told me that I deserve the promotion for all the work I've been doing. During the panel interview, they asked me once again what I think is the reason why I got promoted faster than the others. I talked about my character as my best asset, but in the end it would just not be sufficient. It was truly only by God's grace that I got to where I am today.

More than the moral advantage of having a higher position, what I really wanted was the extra money that came with the promotion. I need it to keep up with our expenses, and to sustain my graduate school tuition fees..hehe..The promotion was indeed God's answer to my prayers for financial breakthrough, but there was something that hindered me from fully worshipping Him with gratefulness in my heart.

I knew what it was they were, and I've been praying for God's help to be liberated from them. It's collectively termed as FEAR, and it's been staring at me for months now. By God's grace I have not been fully consumed by them, and I'd like to believe that I am winning this battle against them...until I came across my previous entry and I wondered why I did not have that immense joy for an even greater achievement. I used to be secured in the knowledge that greater problems are merely opportunities for God to display His greater grace. As I reflect on it now, I still believe in this truth that has been so evident in my life then and now. So I asked myself, 'What changed then?'  

And then it hit me as I realized, 'I have changed.' I've become older, but not in wisdom but in fear. I've been overwhelmed by responsibilities at work, at home, and sometimes in the ministry which are also my own doing. Having said that, I know there is something I must do that I just still haven't figured out yet. My soul, more than my physical body, longs for rest. I'm still praying for God to reveal to me the steps I have to take to go back to my old self, but while that is not clear to me yet, I'll be practicing on the discipline of gratefulness as my antidote against my unwarranted fears. My fears are part of my melancholic personality but while I cannot do so much about my basic emotional makeup, I can allow the Holy Spirit to change me and help me transform my perspectives intentionally with the decision to be grateful each moment, especially whenever fears strike me.

So Lord, please help me grasp how wide, how long, how high, how deep and how endless is your love for me. Instead of fears and worries, may your love overwhelm me enough for all my worries to just be driven away. I long to be joyful once again. I know it's a decision I make that is not based on my circumstances, but I acknowledge that making that decision has been difficult for me lately and only you can help me. As I seek you, I am confident that I will find you... and you will find me and grant me the peace and rest that can only be found in your presence...

Days from now, I hope to write again even happier and more grateful than I was a year ago. I love you and I put my trust in you. Help me for there is no way I can do this on my own.

For starters, Thank you for I know that your promises are bigger than my fears. Allow me to fully experience them in my life as I claim them, allowing your powerful love to shield me from all the works of the enemy, even those coming from within me.

In you I trust...love,

Katy