One Enchanted Day!!!

December 21, 2010- On my 21st year, 3rd month, and 21st day on this earth, I finally set foot on the wonderful Enchanted Kingdom in Laguna for the first time! It was an amazing experience especially with my NKTI BST groupmates and new friends and it's something I will definitely remember forever. Before we left for EK that morning, I read Gina Lopez's column in the newspaper which talked about finding the inner child within us. And what better way to do just that and relieve stress than to embark on an adventure with your friends, try out new things, go to new places, and have fun in a child's haven, the carnival! I couldn't hide my excitement and I just couldn't stop smiling even when I wanted to..haha..sobrang sakit nga ng cheekbones ko. My friends knew it was my first EK experience and I thank God for Ate Friz who really played the role of a big sister/official photographer/tour guide! It was she who suggested and explained the different rides, the sights and places we passed along the way, and her official line- "Kat, wala ka pang picture dito. Halika picturan kita."..hahaha. I actually felt like I came to EK with my mom who's equally excited to capture the memories of her daughter through a scrapbook/photo album. Ate Friz is definitely the best!

turistang turista with Ate Jel

EK newbie

stopover

with the gang!

fresh from the rapids, more like fresh from the sea..haha

with the beautiful Ate Friz

We rode the Anchor's Away twice, Rio Grande Rapids, Log Jam, and Flying Fiesta. We also went to Rialto and had a blast at the Bump Cars, kahit sobrang peke kong magdrive. It was Trina and Ate Jel who planned everything, and I'm glad to have shared such a great day and lots of fun moments with them together with Ate Friz, Borg, Nez, Chris, Candice, and Bobby:) Sa uulitin guys! meow

Bakasyon na pleaaase!!!

mygaaaad, I so owe my blog a lot of posts already...tambak na ang drafts ko and papa's birthday was last november 25 pero anong petsa na, katatapos ko lang ng kina mama...then there's ate and micah..thank God, my favorite time of the year is near and i'll have more free time to write more posts, and do the things I should have done ages ago.

yes, christmas is my favorite time of the year like millions of people in the world, not my birthday. after all, my life would be fleeting if my Savior wasn't born. (chos, *Lord sorry)...It's actually the celebrations,the precious family time, the gifts, the love, and the VACATION that I so love about Christmas. But of course, I also make sure that I give greater importance to what it is truly about.

..and that ends my babbling, and my lame attempt to justify why I can't seem to do the things I'm supposed to do. God help me, I really can't do all these alone...meow

Mother's Love Part II

"A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take."
-- Cardinal Mermillod

Writing a theme or an article about mothers is a 'fad' in school. I remember doing it many times back in elementary and in high school, and I even made a feature article about it as part of my preparations for a contest. To not enjoy writing about our own mothers could be treated by the teacher as a sign of disrespect and lack of love. That could be true for some, or a very few rather; but for most of us, there were just moments when we just didn't enjoy writing about anything at all:p. But there's no arguing to the relevance of the subject, the depth by which you can elaborate on it, and the inspiration you can find from within to be able to write a good article. For one, it's a subject close to everyone's hearts (with very rare exceptions), and this world of ours has practically raised us with a biased leaning towards the image of a mother. We live in an environment that celebrates and gives high regard to the life-giving and nurturing woman, more so a mother, through the concept of Mother Earth/Gaia. The Spartan women are given high regard by their tribe, for 'from them comes the Spartan men'; and Mary, mother of God, is highly venerated for giving birth to Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of humanity. Some even say that 'the fulfillment of being a woman is motherhood' while a Jewish proverb shared that "God could not be everywhere; therefore, he made mothers." But even without this 'environmental influence', I still think that anyone who had a 'true' mother would find it very easy to write about the woman who carried you in her womb, nursed you with her breasts, cuddled you, cared for you, nurtured and supported you, and raised you to become the human you are today.

The definition of a mother is relative for each one of us. For most people, it's their female parent who gave birth to them while for others, it's the woman who took care of them and loved them like their own even without the direct biological connection.

And I am blessed to belong both in the former and in the latter group, with 2 great, wonderful mothers in my life. Though our story draws more sympathy than awe, we, siblings, consider ourselves so blessed by God. After all, it is our mothers who taught us to give thanks in everything, and to find God's love and power in every circumstance, whether of joy, or of sadness.

The introductory quotation says that no one can take the place of a mother; and I guess that is true, and perhaps God believes so too, such that when we lost Mama Susie when Ate was 6 and I was 3 years old, He knew that only a mother could take the place of a mother, so He gave us Mama Josie.

Mama Josie is the youngest sister of Mama Susie. I don't know the details that will explain exactly how it happened and I hate it when people focus on that fact and judge my father, I only believe that it was all God's will:)

Our helper who take care of us when we were little told me that it was I (between Ate and I), who especially wanted Mama Josie to be our mother; which, as I think about it now, is so funny because I used to despise her in my growing years. I've already talked about my middle-child syndrome stint in a previous post and much of it involved my parent-child relationship with her. To those who don't have any idea how the middle child syndrome goes,  it's when the middle child, like me, feels that he/she is neither here nor there, lacking a sense of belongingness until it evolves to low self-esteem, reclusion, having no sense of direction, and either finding it difficult to trust or leaning too much on others. Back then, I felt less in everything- less loved, less valued, less taken care of, less supported, less intelligent, less interesting, less wanted, and the list goes on. I only felt more in lacking common sense, in being lazy, gullible, a trouble maker, and you can guess what I'm about to say next. I had my talents, but my insecurities were so magnified that I failed to see that I was loved and appreciated as I am. Mama Josie was a disciplinarian and I was often her object of discipline, not mostly because of 'trouble' but because I was 'tanga' and 'lazy'. I had so much tanga moments then, until now actually (haha). I was clumsy, 'lampa', inattentive with frequent lapses (as in 'tulala' moments:)), and was irresponsible. I was young, but it wasn't an excuse. I understood why I was spanked or reprimanded although I thought Mama was being too harsh, and there were a few times when she wrongly misinterpreted events, an action, or a facial expression. We weren't allowed to explain so for the times that I've been reprimanded even though it wasn't my fault, I settled myself to crying alone in our room. We were okay, but in the deepest portal of my heart, I was harboring ill feelings toward her. Though I was considered as more 'malambing', I found it difficult to be physically in contact with her in a motherly way. I wasn't comfortable with her hugs, with her holding my hand, or her leaning on me during our travels. It's actually my personal sign that I have something against a certain person because even with my friends, I'm not comfortable getting close to them when I'm upset about something that concerns them. Maybe it's because I couldn't easily isolate my feelings of fear of getting close to her when she's about to discipline me, with the supposedly comfortable feeling of being caressed by a mother.

But I thank God for time, and for healing. I don't know how and when it happened. I only know that when I learned to love myself, I also saw how much love the people around me have for me. I began to see how wonderful Mama Josie is as a mother. She wasn't exactly a stage mother, but she was very supportive in all of the contests we joined in school. She made sure we were prepared, that we had everything we needed, and that we looked our best. She was also always there physically to assist us in every way. She's the best nurse ever, a strict yet very effective teacher,  a wonderful cook, a great homemaker, and so much more. Ate and I didn't have time to make our TLE projects back then (as if we really intended to make them on our own..haha) so it was Mama who did most of the work for us. I was even awarded as Best in TLE when I graduated in high school.(fraud!:p)..haha

But my most treasured memories of Mama were the times that she took care of me when I was seriously sick, in a 'hirap na hirap na ako' drama mode. For me, she is the BEST, as in the BEST caregiver in the world. I would  never forget how she would wake up in the wee hours of late night to early morning to give me my medicine. But what's so amazing for me was how she did it. She would just help me sit up, give me the drug and make me drink water, change my shirt, and then put me back to sleep, which isn't so hard to do since I barely woke up anyway. Depending on how weak I am, Mama would provide partial to full assistance in my activities of daily living. She almost treated me as if I couldn't do things on my own, but that's among the many things I love about her. She knew exactly what we needed; and for each specific circumstance, she freely offered herself, trying her best to be what we needed her to be. We may not have come directly from her womb, but she was our MOTHER in every way, and we're very grateful for her.

God I miss her so so much. Especially now that I'm again, sick. I miss her care, her instructions, and her warmth. And each time I would lie down on bed, feeling cold and finding it difficult to breathe, I imagine her embracing me and covering me with a blanket, doing her best to make me feel better. I also imagine her and Mama Susie pleading to God to make me feel better; not that they needed to 'plead', but I just want to think about it that way. I hope I was I able to make Mama feel how much I love her, even in my most discreet ways:). And I further hope that even now that she and Mama Susie are no longer with us physically, we still make them feel how much we love them.

Mama Josie, you've done a great job in raising us. In many ways we actually took after you, we're strong-willed (too strong at times), hardworking, responsible, God-fearing, and conservative and cautious, at least most of the time. I hope, one day, to be as caring, as loving, and as selfless as you are. Continue to watch over us, with God, and with Mama Susie, as we all continue to grow in loving one another as one family! We love you and we miss you so much! My endless gratitude and rounds of applause go to you both, the BEST MOTHERS ever!!! meow

Goofing Around:p

bungisngis

blank stare

mtv

snob

clara ikaw ba 'yan?

pacute lang

wacky na matalino (may ganun ba?)

dreading something funny?!

bungisngis2

to smile or to laugh? (awkward..haha)

I want detachable tonsils!!!

 Yesterday and today are among my very few off days...i'm not particularly upset about anything or at anyone, but I feel so weak and so far from my usual self. Well I've been sick so many times in the past but it's something that you never really get used to. I enjoy taking care of others who are sick, but I surely do not enjoy taking care of myself. And for me, nothing could ever make you feel so vulnerable and so alone than being sick. I'm not literally alone but I'm a grown up, more so a nurse, who's expected by others to know what to do...but can't there be a clause in our professional responsibility that 'a nurse stops being a nurse when she's sick'.

Haaay...emoters lang talaga ako pag maysakit...It's during these times that I want to regress, be treated like a child again. It's also during these times that I miss Mama Josie so much...

I would've wanted to wish that there would be no sicknesses or diseases in this world...but then there would be no precious opportunities to show love and care...so since I'm so prone to having upper respiratory infections (colds, cough, tonsilopharyngitis), I just wish I could detach my pharynx, tonsils, or nostrils for a while, see what's the problem, and apply immediate treatment, without having to bear nasal congestion, sore throat, and difficulty of breathing..I've actually imagined taking out my throat for so many times already, ibabalik ko na lang pag magaling na..haha..

But Lord you see me, you know how I feel, and you know the nature of my work...I continue to pray and claim your healing power over my life, in all parts of my body. May I continue to be an instrument of healing to others and not be a source of infection for them:) Thank you and I love you so much! meow

I'm beginning to ♥ Metro Manila:)

Today I learned that Metro Manila isn't such a bad place after all, I wonder why all kinds of stories about crime usually come with it? I'm saying this because the people I've encountered have been so kind to me today. They could have taken advantage of my innocence, though ignorance would be a more fitting term:), but they didn't. They've all been very helpful and I'm so grateful Lord for all of them- the bus conductor who dropped me off my 'never before seen' destination, the jeepney barkers who helped me get a cab and called my attention when I dropped my coin purse, the manong guard who gave me directions, and the hr kuya who has been nothing but gracious. I just wish I could tell this story to Ate, with so much emphasis on all the people God has used to bless me today, so she won't have to reprimand me for not knowing what I'm doing. But day by day I'm learning, and with God's guidance I'm beginning to see Metro Manila as it is, seeing more of the good and beautiful things and less of the irritating ones. May You continue to guide me Father as I follow your lead, not just in going where you lead me, but also in making the right decision at all times. Let your will be done in my life, my whole trust is in You!!! I ♥ you!!! meow

Mother's Love Part I

Last November 1st, we commemorated the death, or the lives rather of the people who bore and nurtured us three siblings- Mama Susie and Mama Josie. All Saint's Day is a special time for our family to bond and remember our mothers together- two great, beautiful and wonderful women who have offered their lives for their family, and for God's glory. They aren't martyrs, although their sufferings would've matched with those who literally died for Christ. They both died of cancer, and maybe it's one of the major reasons why I find it so interesting. For unlike most lethal diseases in this world, cancer is not rare; cancer is not communicable; and cancer attacks all kinds of people, surpassing the boundaries of race, age, gender, and other factors. It's just sad, especially for Papa, that we had to go through it twice. And I wasn't a nurse yet when my mothers got sick, so I guess now that I am able to take care of various cancer patients, I really make it a point to provide the best care possible, something I would have done for Mama Susie and Mama Josie had I known how to back then.

My sisters and I took after our mothers in many ways. I don't know much about my Mama Susie; the limited things I know about her are mostly from the stories of our neighbors, close family friends, and relatives. I was only 3 years old when she died and I can no longer remember that part of my childhood. I don't know what happened to my mind, but it just shut off most of the events that happened when I was very young such that the earliest memory I have occurred when I was already 4 or 5 years old. It isn't even vivid, I just 'somehow' remember how my nursery room looked like. But the things that happened to our family, when Mama Susie died, when Mama Josie became our second mother, those things I can no longer remember. So it was only through her pictures, and through other people's stories that I was able to conjure an image, a memory of her.

For one, she is very beautiful, quite a catch, and I actually think that my father's very lucky to have her. Anyone who would find even half the man Papa is for a partner is also very lucky although this post isn't about him so I'm saving my praises, probably for his birthday:) Back to Mama Susie, being the pretty, pampered lady that she was, people also describe her as very feminine, wears thick make-up and 'very short' shorts, unskilled in 'dirty' household chores, can't sleep in a mat, and doesn't eat shrimps and crabs. Between me and Ate Angel, people say that it was I who took after her. They say I look like her although I think she's way much prettier. I eat shrimps and crabs although I admit that I used to not have the patience to break the crab shell so I just wait for Papa to give me some meat, for which Papa said that "I'm like my mother". I can sleep on the mat, with stress on the word 'can'. When I was much younger, we had a household rule that said "Kailangan sa banig matulog kapag maysakit, para hindi matuyuan ng pawis"; and I was a sickly child so I had to sleep on the mat many nights in a row while they were all comfortable in their mattresses. So whenever I would express my dislike, Papa would always explain why it's needed and would end up saying, "Para kang mama mo." I rarely wear make-up, as in RARELY; however, Papa doesn't seem to enjoy seeing me applying color on my face and he would always say, "Para kang mama mo, ang kapal-kapal magmake-up," even when my make-up's so light it was unnoticeable. There are very few pictures at home, all taken when she was still single, with Mama Susie wearing thick make-up, which translates to 'smoky eyes'..hahaha. In fairness, my mom's good at doing it; but we all agree that she's most beautiful without it. As with the shorts, I understand that it was also fashionable back then, and my mom surely had what it takes to wear one publicly; for unlike Ate and I, she was also gifted with a petite frame. My mom was a teacher in our local public high school and one of her students who learned that I was her daughter while we were riding a bus together told me, "Alam mo, yung mama mo ang pinakamagandang teacher sa buong Bacnotan National High School nung kapanahunan niya." I just hope he wasn't asking at the back of his mind, "What happened?":)

 But more than my mother's physical attributes, likes, dislikes and mannerisms, she is well remembered and forever loved by the people who know her, as a very sweet, kind and generous woman. Papa said that they needed house-help even when they didn't have kids yet because Mama Susie's inexperienced with the dirty side of housework. She's not used to doing housework per se but she loved to cook and to experiment on new recipes, and she would always cook enough to have something to share to all of our neighbors. I've never heard anyone say anything bad about her character, not because she's dead but because they have nothing but praises for my mom's kindness and generosity, so much so that she's also described as gullible. Papa even enjoys telling the story about my mom, cheated into paying for a betamax player she hasn't even seen. Someone ran to our house to report to Papa that Mama was at the gate of our compound crying. Mama was pregnant (with me or Ate) then so Papa literally rushed to her aid, only to find out that my mother has been cheated. Of course, Papa said nothing but words of consolation, trying to avoid anything that would further upset Mama although in his mind, he was also probably irritated with the money that was lost. And when we asked him how Mama could've fallen for it, he answered "Eh sobrang bait nga kasi ng Mama Susie."

Ate Angel and I would probably pass for 'mabait' but not 'sobrang bait'. We both have our share of outbursts, sometimes out of anger, most of the time out of impatience, and we're still on the process of becoming better. Between Ate and I, I believe I trust more easily and am also gullible at times but we both know that we're 'suplada' at different levels. We also have a more conservative, yet not so feminine take on our fashion statement and demeanor but I hope to come close to the fine, kind-hearted lady that she is one day. Again, I have no memories of our mother-child relationship except for what I see in the pictures; but even without her physical presence, I know she was with us then and until now. I hate to admit it but I wasn't a happy child. I had so many issues, as in, I think I had a mild case of middle-child syndrome. I lacked a sense of belongingness and for many times I thought and felt that I wasn't loved, deluded in overwhelming thoughts of unworthiness, not being good enough, always doing the wrong things, and most of all, SELF-PITY. I didn't have a best friend and Ate and I fought all the time and I couldn't express how I felt to my parents without fear of rejection, and worse, rebuke; so at a very young age, I treasured my time being alone. I was also a sickly child so I wasn't allowed to participate much in the outdoor games my ate and our neighbors play together; and for the few times that I was allowed, I was more of a liability than an asset in the group so unfortunate to have me (haha) so they weren't really enthusiastic to have me in their teams. Our neighbors, who were probably clueless about the personality-injurious impact of subjective comparison (Anne is more ___ than Ana), dubbed me as 'maarte' like my Mama Susie, while ate was the outgoing, 'astig' type whose company is loved by all. I viewed myself then as her weak, sickly, and cry-baby sibling who was less than her in everything except in singing (bongga!:) So whenever I'm sad, I just usually lock up in the room and cry my heart out. The funny thing is, I found it soothing to cry in front of the mirror (parang nagwoworkshop lang:) while embracing my favorite pillow. And this is where my so precious memory of my Mama Susie comes into play. I couldn't share my heartaches to anyone living, so I sought comfort, and found it, in the knowledge that my Mama Susie is always with me:), that she sees me from heaven, that she knows how I feel, and that together with Jesus, she would just have to embrace me and I would find peace and understanding in whatever it is I'm going through.

Sometimes, I still wish I had known her better, that I had greater awareness of my environment even at a very young age, so I could still remember in my mind how she looked like without having to think of photographs, how she cared for me and loved me, how she was a mother to me. Thankfully, what my mind seem to have forgotten, my heart vividly remembered. And if there's a life lesson I know by heart, it would be that everything happens for a reason, and for us, children of God, everything works according to God's plan, for the good of those who love Him. Mama, I love you so much and I'll forever be thankful to you for bearing me and bringing me out safely into this world, for letting us know and love God through your example, for being the best mother to us, physically for the first 3 years of my life, and until now, for guiding and assuring us of your loving presence in our lives. I know you are happy and grateful for what we have become, and I'll continue to make you proud, together with Papa and Mama Josie. I love you dearly and I miss you so much...:)

And now, I'm ending this entry with your favorite passage in the Bible:)

P.S.
Part II is on the way, a feature entry on my Mama Josie:) meow

Glad to Fast:)

After 7 days of consecration through prayer and fasting, I'm back to using Facebook, to blogging, and most of all, to EATING! yeeey! Father God I'm very sorry if I sound so excited to eat but you know that more than a sacrifice, I consider the past 7 days as an offering to you, and an opportunity for myself to repent, to go back to You, my first love, and to know you more in my life. But you also know how excited I am to eat!..to be able to look at food without the guilt feeling, without having to shut myself in the room in prayer, asking you for self-control together with my prayers for repentance. I didn't have a record of the first time I fasted for roughly a week too back in college so I want to keep a record of the recent 7 days in this blog. In comparison with the previous times I fasted, I can say that this is the most serious, most committed, and most fruitful I've done so far. Back then (college), I fasted as a member of the church; and in other instances, I fasted because I was asking for something. This time, the first reason cited is still included in my list and the second, also included but very secondary; because more than anything else, I fasted for the past 7 days (Oct 17-23) to renew my covenant with Christ, to undergo the process of repentance and revival day by day, not really asking for anything, but more hoping that I would be able to offer something to God- something worthy, something striving to be holy, something I could give whole-heartedly and most of all, something that is not about me. It is my life, dedicated to His Kingdom and glory, that I want to give (so it is still about me) but not for my gain; instead, for God's glory. We've all been battling with pride and selfishness since we were born and I know that 7 days of devoted prayer and fasting (1 meal a day) would not be enough to achieve the change I want to attain but I want to offer God a concrete proof of my serious desire to glorify Him in my life. Eating a meal a day, with all the energies I need for the kind of work that I do was a very tough sacrifice.
I started on Sunday and it was fine. I was so excited to do it again, so hopeful and 'somehow' confident that I'd be able to go through the 7 days easily. Monday was fair. I consider it the toughest day because my stomach practically longed for anything to digest that afternoon. Thank God for self-control, I was able to relieve my hunger with rest, prayers, lots of God's Word, and sleep. I woke up late the next day and consequently, I was late for duty-my first time to be LATE for duty! I've resolved to eat just breakfast daily so you can just imagine how hungry I was, unable to eat that morning and with breakfast the previous day as my last food intake. Wala akong glucose for more than 24 hours and I was already feeling light-headed at around 10 am. With our kind of work, especially since I was assigned at the emergency room that week, I couldn't afford to have even the slightest deterioration in my level of consciousness. At around 11, I prayed to God then I decided to eat 1 hard candy, reasoning out that I wouldn't compromise the care I provide to my patients because I woke up late and wasn't able to eat. It was my fault and I should be able to make up for it without risking my work and the people I work for. Then at around lunch time, I ate the most delicious banana-chocolate bread I've ever tasted..haha! The following days went on smoothly, thank God! I ate just one meal a day, sometimes breakfast, sometimes lunch depending on the availability of time; although I wasn't really sure if I did it the way I would have wanted to because I was binge-eating, eating all the food I can contain, as if saving up for the rest of the food-less day.

  The 'consecration module' was very helpful, as it guided me in setting my daily goals and provided me with new revelation and encouragement each day. I couldn't have successfully gotten through that week if not for the strength that comes from God, and the self-control and proper attitude I've developed throughout the years, through the people and the experiences God has blessed me with. Saturday night was our culmination night and we capped off the week with  a gathering among us members of the church who fasted. There were testimonies, prayer dances, symbolic rituals, and community prayers and I was so glad to have participated with the 7 days of consecration. I realized a lot of things about myself  but it was a different experience, because instead of focusing on myself and be filled with guilt, I had the chance to focus on God's power in my life, his divine love that made me realize my mistakes, and would surely help me achieve the change I so need in my life, in my desire to walk according to His ways. Thank you Lord for FCF!

Now, weeks after those 7 wonderful days, I still am not the person I dream to be. I'm still impatient, at times selfish and proud, but I'm no longer blinded to my heart's true condition. Knowing God made me know more about myself, more in touch with my feelings, and more in control of my actions. My prayers are yet to be answered, but I know that my God will meet all my needs according His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. As for my special requests, I know they will all be answered in His perfect time. Right now, I'm happy and contented, with God's strength and guidance to help me get through each day. Father, in your hands, I entrust my entire life. I love you so much!!! and my heart is filled with so much joy, knowing you this way, and assured forever of your unconditional love! Thank you so much! Unto You be all the glory! meow

Happy 5th Birthday Kuya Zach!!!!

It's my dear nephew Zach's 5th birthday today! I love you kuya dearly and I pray that you will grow to become a great man someday! May God bless you with the wisdom that only comes from Him! Ninang Katy is so proud of you! But I also hope and pray that your attitude will improve as you continue to increase in knowledge! I wish you all the best! mwaaah!

Happy 5th

Birthday

Kuya

Zach!!!

Love lots,

Ninang

Katy:)

I Need to Learn Time Management!

I want to remember this day as the first day in my entire life as a nurse na nagovertime ako for almost 2 hours! Nakakaloka! I thought I had everything planned. I was so busy, as in toxic busy, but I was confident that I would finish 30-45 mins past 2 pm. But it was already 3:45 when I left the area!!! And the big catch is, I did not take my break, nor did I spend more than 2 minutes in the entire duration of my duty, doing nothing. I only had 4 patients, which is what makes it harder to accept, although I think I also deserve a pat in the back for lending my assistance to co-staff and to all the patients who asked for my help, even if they weren't specifically under my charge. Now I'm wondering, was it an issue of time management or did I just chewed on too much work, much more than I can swallow within 8 hours? Nevertheless, I still have a lot to learn in terms of prioritizing,  organizing all the things I need, and anticipating my patient's needs. Lord you know how much I take my job seriously, and how I want to be the best nurse I can be, to give the best care I could possibly give to all my patients. Strengthen me each day, as you refine me and make me a better nurse, and person, for your greater glory! Into your hands, I entrust everything! I love you so much Father! meow

STAND UP to Breast Cancer!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month! Let's join the fight as we advocate for prevention, and early detection of this disease! God, we have all the risks for it, but in You we entrust our lives! God bless us all! meow

My First Lesson in Love

The only thing permanent in this world is CHANGE. I got it wrong the first time it was asked in a religion quiz back when I was in 4th year high school, but that's one of the reasons why I never forgot about it. You see, I'm the type of person who remembers my mistakes more than the things I got right. Back then, I thought I was just being grade conscious, determined to have all the answers right for the next quiz or exam, and I even reprimanded myself for it; but after years of encounters, reflections, and opportunities for self-awareness I gratefully grabbed, I realized that this attitude of mine towards my mistakes tells so much about my personality. Some of my friends say that I'm borderline obsessive-compulsive, only to contradict themselves at times when I act so lax, so carefree, and so 'keber' lang:) But speaking in Freud's language, I must commend my parents and the other people who raised me, for providing an environment for growth that maximized the development of my superego aka my 'conscience'. I get guilty so easily, which probably accounts for my obedient attitude toward authority, my being not-so-adventurous and i-will-ask-for-permission-first attitude, and my obsession for the specifics, the basic instructions, so careful to avoid any mistakes. This is who I am and who I try to be most of the time. Seeing myself this way, used to also make me feel guilty for being so self-righteous; because for someone claiming to know oneself, I should also know my imperfections, my negative attitudes, my flaws, backlogs, and limitations; and more than that, I should also know that I have tons of them and that I am way too far from being the conscientious person I imagine myself to be. But it is also this knowledge that I am not, and I can never be perfect, that seem to make my conscience even stronger. For I am not a saint, but I want to be one. I am not holy, but I strive to be one. I am not always patient, loving, giving, and kind, and I do not always see the good in people; but each day, I pray that God would help me and bless me with all these wonderful traits and all the good things a daughter of His should have. And each day, He never fails to surprise me with people, experiences, reading materials, and other mysterious and unimaginable ways by which He answers my prayer, and helps me become the person I want to be, holy, acceptable and pleasing in His sight.So now, CHANGE for me isn't just an answer to a test question anymore; it is a gift, a precious opportunity to become better, and I'm so glad it's a choice we could all just make for FREE! But on second thought, choosing to change isn't always free, and I have learned that lesson by firsthand experience the hard way just recently.

A lot of unforgettable things actually happened in my life these past weeks I couldn't get to write them all, or I'm not sure if I should write about them. I've actually been battling with myself for days if I should write about it so I could remember it, or if I should just forget about it; but here I am typing, so when I read this months or years from now, I could easily guess who won. I change everyday, but it usually happens gradually. I haven't had so many turning points in my life for the past 21 years and I hope that could pass as an excuse for some life-changing decisions I made that seem so sudden, because I myself am surprised with what had happened.

WARNING: The next paragraphs I would be typing are so EMO. They could also be so IDEAL, so CRAZY, and so HEART-BREAKING depending on whose point of view you are going to take, but it could also be so NONSENSE and 'walang kapararakan', the way my Ate Angel puts it.

Months ago, I had a 'BOY' problem, only to discover weeks later that it wasn't just that; that it was actually a SELF problem. But yes, it does involve my love life, which is why it's so NONSENSE  in my sister's point of view. I don't even know how to start, so I'll just begin by saying that I finally ended my 'M.U.' relationship with ****.  If you're on his side, you would probably accuse me of leading him, only to dump him in the end. If you're among my friends, you would probably say that we just didn't understand each other, or that I was asking for too much, or that he doesn't deserve me. We're not celebrities, but the people in our neighborhood have been talking about us for years, even making up stories and drawing their own inferences and interpretations based on what they see or hear; and once they learn about this, they also would surely have something to say. 

I had so many doubts and concerns about us but I was also so determined to give us a chance. I was actually looking forward to great things once he gets home, and that meant a meaningful courtship, fun times together, and knowing each other better, hopefully to end up finally as boyfriend-and-girlfriend. I never imagined that I would put an end to my own hopes but I did, after days of reflection, prayers, and lots and lots of reading the Bible, and Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye. My friend Queency, not understanding at first, called me crazy for basing my decisions on a book I just read. But I'm a strong believer of destiny, I always believe that everything happens for a reason, and that the persons I encounter, as well as the books I read, all come my way according to my Lord's plan, to teach me a lesson, and to help me become a better person. "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" presents a biblical approach to love and relationships. It isn't really about who,when, and how to date, but about glorifying God in all our relationships, whether with our families, friends, and in our relationships with the opposite sex. It provided a lot of answers to questions I've been asking for years; but at the same time, it made me realize the selfish things I did wrong, and reading it was like God, rebuking me for all my sins, but also telling me that it's not too late to make things right. And that was what I believe I did when I ended my relationship with him. He is my first love, and if not for all that commitment baloney that 'delineates' being friends from being boyfriend-girlfriend, I could probably say that we were together, or almost together.

We started as childhood sweethearts, when all of a sudden (I was in 5th grade, and he, in 6th) he just had this crush on me. I liked him too, though now I attribute what I felt back then to the concept of 'reciprocal feelings'. I was so young then, without any idea on what to do so we ended up not talking to each other, although I made it clear to him first through letters that I could not return his feelings because I was still young. He said he would wait, though you can't really expect that much from a 13 year-old boy, such that when we went to high school, he had a serious girlfriend and many other not so serious relationships while I became focused on my studies. I can probably say that we stopped 'caring' for each other during those years. We saw each other in church but we rarely talked. I tried to talk to him every now and then, reasoning out that he already has a girlfriend and there's no point in feeling awkward once we've put the past behind us, but it still didn't feel natural. We were almost vague acquaintances until out of the blue, he sent me a text message, and that was the summer before I went to college. I was surprised at first because I had no idea that he and his girlfriend had broken up; nevertheless, I told him for the second time that I could not return his feelings because I was still studying- that was my first mistake. If I had known better, I would've said I could not return his feelings and I wasn't ready for a relationship, without having to specify a time frame with the words "because I was still studying". At a young age, I already had a clear perspective on what my priorities should be, but apparently, my level of maturity still wasn't enough to make me handle those kind of situations well. I was so happy to know that someone took notice of me, I couldn't give him an absolute NO and thank you. Again he said he would wait but that was just it. We saw each other during weekends in church, exchanged messages from time to time, but we still felt awkward talking to each other. There were days when he would pursue me, while there were also days when we wouldn't contact each other. To sum it all up, allow me to say that he was consistently inconsistent. That went on for years, while the people around us assumed that he had been courting me intently, not knowing that we agreed to just be friends, and I wasn't even sure if we were really friends. The only time when we started to become really close was when I also started leading the services in our church. He was the musicians' head, so we communicated regularly regarding the song line-ups, the sequences and arrangements. It was also a tough time for me as a beginner and it was him whom I relied on for objective criticisms, for support, and for a friend who would listen to me while I vent out my feelings. From unsure friends, we became very close friends and for a very long time I considered him as my best friend. In between our conversations, he would always tell me how much he loves me while I would say thank you, not really saying if I did or did not feel the same way. But I didn't really have to say anything because he, and other people saw through my actions, and that was my biggest mistake. I led him and myself to believe that we were just buying time, that we would soon be together once I graduate from college and get a stable job. There came a time when he wasn't contented with thank you's anymore, and he insisted that I tell him whether I love him or not, that he only wants to know. And I was such a DUMMY for believing that I could just tell him that I do love him, and it wouldn't change anything between us. Grabe, until now, I still can't explain to myself how I could have possibly thought of that; that was just so far from the wisdom I ask from God each day. I could blame it on lack of experience, or on my innocence, or on him for assuring me that nothing will change, but it would still boil down to my dumbness, sobrang bobo talaga nun. A lighter explanation would probably be that I got carried away with my feelings. I allowed my feelings to take over my mind and instead of praying first and asking for wisdom, I just gave in. So there, from close friends, we suddenly had a mutual understanding without my family's knowledge. That mistake led to many others, and we started having arguments about our differences in attitudes, in beliefs, and most especially in values. I kept on complaining about his lack of courage and initiative in courting me, and I started setting conditions before we can officially become boyfriend-girlfriend. I was so sure I was doing the right thing, until I read 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' and I was rebuked hardcore. I had been so selfish, leading him and getting involved with him in ways that did not agree with God's ways. All my mistakes were laid out to me straight in the eye and I knew that the only way I could take the guilt from my heart was by ending what we had started as a mistake. We both had our share of mistakes but I can and should only speak for myself. I will never forget and regret that I loved him, and that we had something special I would always treasure and remember. But we did not show our love in the right way, and what we had did not give glory to our God. We rushed things and we let our feelings take over our minds, our beliefs and our convictions. By allowing ourselves to get involved in an intimate relationship before we were truly ready, we ended up hurting each other, ourselves, the people around us, and our God. It was just unfortunate that we did not realize it together. I had to realize it first, which meant that it was I who had to end the relationship.

I knew that after confessing all my sins to God and asking for forgiveness, He has forgiven me and relieved me of all the guilt and burdens haunting me, but I also knew that I still had to face the consequences. I told him about it but he didn't understand what I was trying to say. He was so hurt, and for a moment I wished I could just take it all back and say that it was just a joke. He said I was punishing him for the things he did to me in the past, and that I'm punishing him too much and he didn't deserve it. He told me and his family that he wanted to die, and his family blamed me for it. I felt so helpless, I didn't know what to do and I had no one to talk to until my Ate Angel saw me crying as I was hiding in the room. She jokingly tried to make me tell her what happened and said that my problem is nonsense, or in her words, 'walang kapararakan'. But I knew she was my heaven's sent comforter. She stood by me and advised that I tell my problem to Tita Bel. I also told the situation, and confessed my sins at the same time to our pastor, and it was so nice to hear real words of wisdom and encouragement from people who truly care. I was just hoping to find listening ears in them, but through them, God gave me so much more. They objectively approached the situation and in the end, I found in them the reinforcement that 'I did the right thing' this time. He and I eventually patched things up. We haven't seen and talked about what happened in person but I continue to pray that all wounds would eventually heal in time, including the wounds our mistakes have inflicted on our families.

Weeks past that turning point, I can now say that what happened taught me a lot of things. It's funny how I can be so sure that I am right only to realize later on that I've been wrong all along. But it's funnier to learn that something that feels so wrong could actually be the right and best thing to do, you just have to give it time, and let the plan of God reveal its beauty in the perfect circumstance. With that said, my friends who are wishing that I would find a partner soon, now understand that I would remain NBSB for a considerably longer time. Now, I am enjoying my single blessedness, still comfortable in making friends with a lot of people but cautious in drawing the line between friendship and intimacy. I resolve to not involve myself in any intimate relationship until I'm ready for marriage and to always seek to glorify God in all my relationships, as well as in my thoughts, words and actions. Until then, I would devote my energies to serving God, my family, and God's work. I would also probably learn skills that would come in handy once I fulfill my dream as a homemaker. I now welcome single blessedness with more love even if it would increase my risk for breast cancer; but I still look forward to that special day, when all events and powers in this universe would conspire, to lead me and that ONE PERSON together, to share a God-centered love we could proudly share to the entire world! I am yours Jesus, and whoever may come, my heart, my mind, my life, and my entire being will always belong to you! I love you and unto You be all the glory! meow

Sobrang Kiliiiig!!!!

Grabe! I just watched the Sept. 28 episode of Simply Kc featuring Atom Araullo, Anthony Taberna, and TJ Manotoc and I couldn't stop smiling the entire time I was watching it! Kinikilig pa rin ako hanggang ngaun actually...:) I so love Atom and Patty!!! And it was so nice to hear from men who have found the love of their lives, and so proud to tell the entire world how much they love them! They have different styles in showing their love, even sa pagdiskarte, but all worked I guess because they all had the girl's parents' blessing, and they all had it at the right time. Now I'm so much more hopeful that I will find the partner God has set apart for me when the right time comes, with whom I will share a mature love centered on God, the source of all love:) Until then, I have all the time in the world to improve myself, to spend time with my family, to devote my energy to God's work and other fruitful endeavors, to become a blessing to others, to learn to become a better person, and to make myself ready for that ONE PERSON:) I hope Papa's ready when I'm ready, yun na siguro ang pinakabonggang indicator! Father, in your hands I entrust my entire life. Help me love the way you LOVE and may You continue to let your light shine in my life:) meow

The world hasn't ran out of gentlemen:)

Finally, I'm done with the first week of our Basic Skills Training, and just 3 months and 3 weeks to go before I can formally apply for a job. There are a lot of things I'm thankful for for the past week- my daily safe travel to and from the house, always reaching the hospital on time, my family's support, their health and safety, my allowance including a little money to spare for miscellaneous needs/wants:), my good friend Mark's safe return to the country, my good health, new friends/co-trainees (KC, Ate Rina, Ate Inah, Irish, Jessica, Ara), strength, knowledge, wisdom, etc. I could probably go on and on and never run out of things I can thank God for, for He has never failed to shower me with His abundant blessings every second of my life. But aside from those things, I was also blessed, for two consecutive days, to have ridden overcrowded buses on the way home and yet find an empty, available chair especially reserved for me..hah! Well, that wasn't what really happened, as if... I was talking more of how special I felt when two men, in two separate occasions, offered their already paid precious seats to me. I know I'm not exceptionally beautiful, just pretty in my own simple way especially in my all-white nursing uniform and hair-tied-in-a-bun. I'm not sure if I looked like I couldn't handle the travel in standing position but I think it would be better to consider what happened as a blessing, rather than troubling myself, trying to find a reason why they offered their seats, as if it could never happen.

One was a middle-aged man, and the other looked like he's in his mid-20's. Does this mean that being a gentleman comes with age? Well in fairness to my guy friends (Francis, Gregg, Barb, Jogs), I can proudly say that they're among the endangered specie of gentlemen in our generation. (especially Francis!) It was through them, aside from my father and cousins, that I learned that men are supposed to stay on the danger side when crossing the road, that men are essentially helpful and generous, that men let the lady go first, that men can offer to hold the umbrella (since they're also usually taller), ask your permission to place their arm on your shoulder to keep you close when it's raining very hard (even when you're already very close friends!), and guide you and cross the road with you (because they're worried you'll get hit by a passing vehicle.:)

I know that we've been fighting for gender equality for decades, that women should be treated as men's equals; that the things men can do, women can do too, much better even at times. The men who refused to offer their seats to women would probably rationalize that we asked for this, that this comes as a consequence of all our complaints concerning gender insensitivity. But no matter how much we try, we can never deny the fact that men and women are two very different individuals, physically and including all the other aspects; that while we fight for equality and eradication of all types of gender discrimination, we still hope that the culture would retain the good aspects of male-female differentiation. After all, equality is not synonymous to similarity. So while we, women, retain our extra caring and nurturing (motherly) character, we expect the men to stay extra protective and helpful. I know there are also still a lot of factors to be considered such as age, and I would willingly offer my seat to a lolo with no ability to maintain balance while standing on a moving vehicle; but all I'm saying is, we can all treat each other as equals while still recognizing and respecting our own differences. Wouldn't it be great if we all cared for and looked after each other. To wish that all men would treat every woman as a lady- offering their seats, staying on the danger side when crossing the road and stuff all the time would be pushing it too hard, especially in this busy world where we all have individual concerns and considerations. Ang moral lesson talaga: Huwag sumakay ng bus kung alam mong puno na.:) But seriously, we, women would be very happy to be treated like a lady from time to time, especially by gentlemen whom we do not know, yet would gladly show that they care for just a simple 'Thank you!

So with that I say thank you and "Cheers to all the gentlemen on earth!" May your light shine that others may see the goodness of your intentions, and the joy it brings to all the women around! I hope to meet and encounter more of your kind in the coming days:) meow

Happy First Day to me!

August 31, 2010: FIRST DAY/ORIENTATION as a trainee for the 35th Post-Graduate Course in Clinical Nursing Practice (Basic Skills Training) at the National Kidney and Transplant Institute, East Ave., Quezon City!!!

I was worried I would be late, but I tried hard to free my mind of any kind of stress, most especially at the beginning of my first day. I had a semi-fun, semi-boring day today:) as we served audience to the outgoing trainees' creative presentations on discharge planning. Well four months from now, we're expected to do the same so I listened intently to all the presentations as well as the critiques, taking note of the important details. The price of my coming here, not just in terms of monetary resources, is pretty big, so I want to make sure I get my money's and other sacrifices' worth. It was a great 1st day, much lighter than I've imagined, for which I'm very grateful. I will really do my best and try to participate in all the activities, all these to reach my nearing short-term goal: STABLE WORK!
As they say, 'Good things come to those who wait', and I know better and greater things will come to me because I wait patiently, I hope and pray fervently, I work hard, and most of all, because I am assured of God's love and wonderful plans for me. May the Lord guide me, strengthen me, keep me safe and healthy at all times, and provide me with the right knowledge, skills, and values that would enable me to care for my patients the best way I could. May the wisdom that only comes from Him be upon me, that I may do what's right at all times, and be a blessing to everyone I encounter.

I made new friends today in the person of Ate Rina and KC and I hope to make more friends in the following days! Thank you so much Father God! I love you much! meow

Following God's Lead

It's been a while since my last post and since my last 'relaxed time for myself'. Many things have happened in my life these past days, almost too fast I must say, but I'm major major:p happy and thankful to be where I am now.

It was last Wednesday, August 18, when I finally learned that I won't be getting my IV therapy license on time for the training program I'm applying for. I called the officer in charge to simply inform her about it, but instead of saying sorry which is what I expected, she said otherwise- that I could just get a certification that my license  is on process to join their program. It was what I was hoping she would say, yet when I heard it from her, I didn't feel all too happy about the fact that I have to immediately go to Manila, settle things, and bid goodbye to La Union if I get accepted. Half of my heart wanted to stay, but the other half longed to grab that opportunity, and I knew in my heart even then that I wouldn't forgive myself if I wouldn't even try. So I decided to go to Manila immediately after my night duty (which ended at 7am the next day). I left a letter to my senior nurse requesting for a change in schedule so I could have a double-off (Thursday and Friday) and I explained my situation to my dear friend and co-trainee Madzy who expressed support and agreed to inform our senior nurse in case I would no longer be coming back. Well it was almost final that I would no longer be coming back but I guess at the back of my mind, there's this thought that if something wrong happens and I wouldn't get in, I'd be happy to stay. And as I was riding the jeepney that Thursday morning, I actually felt that I wasn't just going home, that I was leaving a lot of things important to me. Madzy even pointed out that I didn't look excited, and I guess it was because I had very little time to say goodbye not just to the people, but also to the things I love doing that come with the place.

Ate Angel fetched me from the terminal that evening and she was one of the people who said that she's happy that I would be living with her. Another is my 4 year-old nephew Zach, who welcomed me with a kiss and a warm embrace, only to ask me to color with him immediately afterwards:) My cousin Ate Vikki was very kind and it was she who went with me to the hospital to finalize my application. She and Kuya Joel welcomed me and allowed me to stay in their home even without my asking. Tito Thoben was also such a blessing, for it was he who guided us where to go and talked to people he knows so we wouldn't need to fall in line, and so that all we needed to do was to follow him, pay, and wait. When the application became final, the whole 'I'll be staying in Manila' thought also finally sunk in. And along with it came the realization that this could be God working in my life. I prayed for this opportunity, yes, but it wasn't part of my plan. So it could only be either a distraction or God's will, but that I would never know unless I give it a shot. But I'm actually confident that this is all part of my God's wonderful plan in my life; first, because I prayed for it; second, because He has already settled everything for me, and third, because I feel the love and support of the people around me. When I came back to La Union to personally inform the nursing office of ITRMC that I would have to terminate my post-graduate training, they too immediately understood the situation and expressed support. When I explained my situation to our pastor, she also congratulated me, prayed for me, and reinforced that this is a blessing from the Lord, a reward for my faithfulness in continually serving Him all the ways I can. Our music team in our local church will always be a burden I will keep in my heart, it was actually what I was most concerned about. But I'm assured of God's love and guidance for all of us, that no one is indispensable in the church, and that no matter what problems we may encounter, it will flourish because it is God's work. They also expressed support in this new journey I would be taking, even though my departure would leave a space in the team vacant. We're short of workers and that makes it all the more difficult, but I promised to keep on praying for the team, lending a hand whenever they need my help. My Papa hoped that I would stay a bit longer and he kept on saying that they would surely miss me, but I know that he's very very happy for me.


So now, I am here, so proud of myself for my outstanding performance in commuting alone to and from the hospital, yehey! I got lost a few times and have taken the longer route only to discover that there's a shortcut within NKTI going to LCP, but it is through being lost that I learn and discover greater things. I walked a considerably long distance from the gate of the subdivision to our house but I enjoyed every minute of it. I wanted to go to the mall too but I was feeling hungry, and concerned about not knowing the place too well so I decided to just spend the rest of the day at home. Papa kept on asking me where I was, where I would go next, but that's totally understandable. Don't get me wrong, I've actually been to Manila many times already since I was a child. I even used to spend summer vacations here but it's just that being LOST is my thing, so much so that if there's an award for it, I'd be a grand slam winner. I also rarely travel alone which is why my 5-year stay in Baguio all alone back in college was one of my greatest achievements in life. I take pride of my good memory, but I guess I'm just not that observant unless I need to be. My family also thinks of me as 'aanga-anga' so even after assuring them that I can manage (at 21 years old), they're still not as confident as I am. But that's ok, they weren't there in Baguio after all when I had to go to places, all foreign to me, either by jeepney, by taxi, or most of the time, by foot. I know Manila's a whole new different story-it's much bigger, much farther from home, and much more dangerous in many ways but I'm still confident that I can manage, not because I know exactly what to do, but because I have my Creator who watches over me, takes good care of me, and keeps me away from all kinds of harm at all times:)
I'll be staying here for four months, but I hope and pray to land a great job here afterwards so I'd be staying much longer, but I hope it wouldn't take long for me to get used to the place. It's raining endlessly hard right now, just like the great, endless, and more abundant blessings God is yet to shower in my life and in our family. I may have left the safety and comfort of my home but I'm assured that for as long as I put God first in everything I do, I will always end up getting more than I've sacrificed. God continue to bless me, guide me, and hide me under the shadow of your wings, that I may always be a blessing to every person I encounter. Let your light shine in my life and let your glory be seen in our entire family, and nation as well. I love you, and I'll keep on following, loving, and thanking you all the days of my life because you never fail to give me a reason each day to love you more and more. In light, and in darkness, I give you praise! Unto you be all the glory! meow

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I rarely feel down and troubled but when I do, my friends make sure that just like in the song, I can always call on them, and they'll be there for me. I haven't really been well since my birthday, and since Mark and I had a misunderstanding. I've already bragged about mastering the art of isolating 'not so good' feelings from the good ones, and I do that each day, not letting my worries and loneliness affect my daily activities and dealings with other persons, but letting them go permanently is, I guess, something I cannot do until they are really, truly, and definitely resolved. By honestly telling him what I want for myself, for us; by reinforcing my womanhood and insisting that I want to start our relationship right; and by wanting to feel secure, loved and valued, I thought I was doing the right thing. And up until now, I still believe that I did the right thing. I'm not sure if I did it right (though I couldn't think of any other way of saying it); but I am very sure of what I want and I won't settle for anything less...or maybe I would, but the proposal for a compromise must come from him. But in case it was I who messed up, I can no longer take back what I said and I don't also want to do that, I can only say sorry for hurting him and keep praying that he would understand what I want to happen, or if not, at least we could settle our differences enough to remain friends, especially because we've been family friends even before I was born. And because more than being my first love, he's also been a very good friend to me. I know that our story has been going on for too long, it's high time for closure; and by closure, I mean that either we'll finally be together as a couple, or we'll both realize that we can't be any more than friends. I used to think that after all we've been through, we deserve to give our relationship a chance; but now, I realized that wouldn't it be unfair for the both of us to just 'try' for the sake of the many years we've waited for each other? That's why I hope that this would already be the last of our endless pre-closure arguments and I pray that we would finally understand each other, and hopefully reach a happy ending soon. I admit that I am afraid, that I dread the possibility of having to end things not in the way I've imagined them to be. And it's this fear that compelled me to consult my best buds, not really knowing what I want from them. Perhaps I was looking for advice, for support, or just someone who would listen.
My friends had different opinions about my situation. Though they're my friends, they were never biased and they've always balanced objectivity, empathy, and concern in helping me deal with my problems that's why I'm very proud, and thankful, to have them as my friends. Actually, the moment I told them that I have a problem, they already knew what it was about..haha..am I that predictable? It was Barb who told me that I'm blessed with wonderful family and friends that's why it could only be a BOY problem..haha..
Barb, being a male himself, enlightened me of the possibility that maybe, he got tired of waiting, and by asking him some things, he probably thought that he only waited all these years for nothing. For some who only know that he's been courting me for years, I might appear as 'nagpaasa lang sa wala'. But the question that would link to why I'm like this is, 'What has he really done to pursue me all these years?' I've been honest with him from the moment he told me that he likes me. I told him that I can't return his feelings because I was still young and studying. He said he would wait, and there's really nothing I can do with that because it's his decision. So we remained friends, close friends, and although I love him, I was firm with him and with myself that I wouldn't get involved in a relationship without my parents' blessing. But I guess I wasn't that firm, because my feelings still showed in my actions. Until one day, napilit niya kong sabihin how I truly feel, assuring me  that he won't demand anything from me, that he only wants to know. At siyempre, makakapagdeny pa ba naman ako eh obvious na rin naman. So there, from platonic friends, we became special friends with a mutual understanding. Until one day, ang sabi niya, nililigawan na daw niya ako. Nothing has changed really so I told him, 'hindi ko dama'. And since then, we've had so many arguments about his alleged courtship and my complaints of not recognizing and feeling his efforts, especially when it was I who had to make the effort so we could talk and see each other. And when I told him that when we see each other again, 'dalagang Pilipina' na ako, meaning I would let him make the effort to see me, talk to me, etc. That's when he got really mad at me. I just want to feel valued, and I don't want to have this need to explain to others especially to my father whenever I organize a meeting with him. Well in fairness to him, he's actually made lots of effort to keep in touch with me, sometimes to fetch me or take me home, but I don't understand why he can't ask me out, or why he can't see me in normal, ordinary situations. I guess he's so used to having things the easy way, he really isn't up to the challenge...waaah, but am I really so mean and demanding to ask for a few things?
My daling Loy certainly doesn't think so. She told me that if he really likes me, he would make the effort to really court me, make me feel loved and valued. And as an argument against what Gregg and Barb said that 'not all men would do that', my daling believes that men are not the same with all the women they like. She further said that if a man thinks a woman is worth the effort, he would realize the need to do extra things, even without being asked. And of course I believe that I'm worth the effort. I may not have the experience that would certify my abilities as a good girlfriend but I really believe that I'm quite a catch.
Madzy, on the other hand, insisted on the fact that maybe, we really just don't understand each other. She told me that I should tell him directly what I want, which is that my family would readily know that he's courting me without being told by other people, so they would also readily understand when I finally say yes and agree to be his girlfriend. The final most important thing is the PROPOSAL, he should ask me to be his girlfriend. I think I deserve that. And in fairness to me, I think I've explained all these things to him before. They were things he actually also agreed to; but when he got mad, he told me that he was actually hurting when he agreed with me on these things. He said that I was being too hard on him, which I really don't understand.
In the end, all of these really is just up to us. I've already sent him messages, explaining my side, and expressing my desire to understand each other, to patch things up and settle things once and for all. He hasn't replied to any of them and I'll try again tonight, just like what I always do. It can be tiring you know, being the side who would more often push for peace (always is too absolute) even if I feel that I am the aggrieved party. At least now, I know very well what my problem with him is. I do not feel that he's courting me, and consequently, I do not feel that he loves me as much as he tells me he does.  I know the problem is not one-sided, and I also know that I've also done things that contributed to what we are now, but I'm determined to make it right this time. May the Lord help me, guide me, and bless me because I really have no idea if what I'm doing is truly right. And my highest praise and thanksgiving goes to Him for I know that all these will pass, that He has a greater plan for all of us, and that for as long as I put my whole trust in Him, everything will be more than alright in the end. Most of all, I thank Him for my friends and family who are always there for me. They're among the endless reasons why I'm always assured that God loves me, and cares for me. Life, after all, isn't always fair, at least at the moment; and you can't always get what you want in this life. But as the song goes, if you try sometime, then you just might find, you get what you need:)...My Saviour Jesus Christ, unto You be all the glory! meow

Happy Birthday to Me!

 Last August 05, 2010, I celebrated my 21st year of life in this world. When I turned 18, I didn't really consider it as a major turning point. For me, I was still very young, immature, dependent in many ways, and unable to decide many things for myself. After all, I was still in school then, and the only difference it really made was the authority it gave me to legally sign documents in behalf of myself, no need for a legal guardian. But turning 21, at this point in my life when I've already graduated, although I still don't have a stable job, I feel more in charge of myself, not just because I'm legally able, but because I am mentally, emotionally and spiritually able, thanks to the maturity that came from the past wonderful years filled with learning experiences and adventures!

Nothing fancy really happened on my birthday. Madzy and I had breakfast after our night duty, then I bought some groceries for my spaggheti, went home, went to sleep, woke up in time for lunch, met with Madzy once again for a job fair, then finally spent the rest of the afternoon towards evening cooking enough spaghetti that we could share with our neighbors and relatives. Mark and I had a misunderstanding the previous night and it remains unresolved until now so it kind of tinted my supposedly very happy birthday with a little sadness. Thankfully for me, I have already mastered the art of isolating my emotions, recognizing them to be able to let them go, so they wouldn't affect my mood in a major way, especially on my BIRTHDAY! A lot of people greeted me, sent me messages and gave me their wishes and I'm very grateful for all of them. Finally, my highest praise goes to my Creator, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, to whom I owe everything I am. Thank you for all the blessings you have given me, and for the many more blessings to come in all the aspects of my life. Help me keep the faith as I face the daily challenges that come my way and may my life always and forever, give glory to your name! I love you Jesus! Happy birthday to me once again! meow

P.S. That caricature of me above was made by my very artistic friend, Madzy...back in college, I was our group leader so it was I who made sure we finished all the work needed on time, particularly our research project. thank you for spending my birthday with me!

Stress?! I can handle it:)

Last Saturday afternoon towards Sunday morning was one of the most stressful days of my life. Theoretically, stress is a stimuli, an event or a set of circumstances causing a disrupted response, that increases an individual's vulnerability to illness (nosebleed:), or anything that arouses the mind and body to respond to demands made upon it. As such, stress is a very normal, natural part of life, so for myself, I only consider the things or events that give me headache, especially those that are unexpected, as stressful; and last Saturday pm to Sunday am, I definitely had loads of it.
Saturday morning was our schedule of practice for Sunday service the next day, and good for all of us, things went as planned. We were all well-prepared and there was harmony and camaraderie during the practice. It was after the practice that the problem came because when I checked my Motorola V3 immediately after I reached home, it was no longer working properly. There was just white background on the screen and when I tried to troubleshoot it by turning it off, it seemed I did more harm than good because I could no longer turn it on. My phone's old, that's a given fact, but it was still unexpected, especially when my Sony Ericsson K508i won't also charge. My SE K508i has been with me since 4th year high school, while my V3 was given to me when I was in 2nd year college, making them almost 10 and 4 years old respectively. I'm not really into cellphones, there are actually times when I forget to look at it for days, and I usually read and reply to messages I've received late. I only use it to contact my family especially Papa, to keep in touch with relatives and friends, and to address some personal/important matters. I consider cellphones as partly luxury and necessity, but that's also the reason why I make sure I take good care of them, and the years that they've been with me, working properly, is enough proof that I did a good job.
                                                  

Back to the story, there was no way I could have it repaired immediately so Papa suggested that I buy a new phone with my savings, so it was decided that we would look for a phone the next day after the service. Later that night at 11 pm, I went for duty in the hospital. I was so confident that the 8 hours would just pass easily and that I would be able to go out on time because our census for our ward was only 16. But the most stressful thing happened when a few minutes after endorsement, the nurse supervisor came and asked me to lend a hand at the pediatric ward. I knew it would be toxic, and I've already forgotten about the possibility of having a break at the very least but I didn't expect that it would be very very stressful. First of all, I have never been to that ward; secondly, i didn't receive the endorsement, and i could go on citing all the other reasons but it would all boil down to the fact that I wasn't prepared. Actually, it wouldn't have been that stressful if I didn't have to rush home immediately after duty and prepare myself to lead the praise and worship at church. The job is after all, the same, but what I really wasn't open to was the possibility of extending. Nevertheless, I spent my 8 sleepless hours there, assisting patients, giving medications, etc. until it was already 7 am. I was done with all the medications but we still had to prepare the medications for the next shift. It wasn't the case in other wards but it seemed that it was necessary in the pedia ward. I was already feeling fidgety, trying to figure out how I would be able to prepare it all on time, and my stress level went up when the incoming nurse really ordered me to prepare all the medications before I get home. I've already informed my staff that I would have to exit at 7 am, explaining the prior engagement I'm committed to but I also couldn't just walk away because it was time, with all the work left unfinished. So there I extended, but only for 30 minutes, because although I had responsibility at work, I also have responsibility in the church; and I reasoned out to my pro-work conscience that perhaps I've already given so much help, given the fact that I wasn't really supposed to be there, and I've already explained my plight to my staff, and she understood, so I shouldn't be bothered with my decision to go. In fairness to me, I only left 6 medications unprepared, and I even followed up lab results before I went home. Thank God for the bus, the fast driver, and the tricycle that brought me home. I also had crackers in my bag and that was what I ate in the bus to save time. So there, I was able to prepare myself fast, and get to the church on time. I didn't have my much needed quiet time, prayer and bible reflection that morning due to obvious reasons but I knew in my heart that if God would ask if I have done my best to make it, to serve Him not just by serving in church but through my work as well, I can confidently face Him and say that 'I have done my best!'. And I'm also sure that He understood...
Thankfully, the service went us planned and I felt God's presence touch me that morning. I was frustrated at first, maybe because I was thinking so much of my limitations, but when I unburdened myself of it all, God's spirit filled me, and assured me that He is pleased with me. After the service we had lunch, then we went to San Fernando in search of my new phone. I got myself a new Sony Ericsson Elm and I'm so happy! Thank you Lord! 
Afterwards we went to the grocery for our supplies, the drugstore for Papa's medicine and Micah's vitamins, the old market to buy scrub suit, and finally to Jollibee for Papa's pre-birthday treat for me! It's childish, I know, but I wasn't in the mood for fine dining, so another visit to my favorite branch was just the right one for me.  
Then we went home and I spent the rest of the day discovering my phone's features. After taking a bath, my stomach ached and I knew it was colic so kailangan ko lang idapa. But instead of just relieving my stomach ache, I ended up sleeping, nakadapa and all. I guess it was my body's way of telling me to rest, to not overdo things, and basically to get some sleep:) The next day, after all, is another duty day for me and I need to be physically prepared to be able to provide the best care for my patients.
So after those stressful days, I would probably be cautious in agreeing to commitments but I can't really promise myself that I won't repeat it again. Because although I didn't welcome the stress, I was so proud of myself because I remained calm through it all, I was still able to do all that I had to do, not letting stress get in the way! So I guess my prayers and efforts for personality development are working. Thank you Lord for the patience, for the presence of mind, for the calmness, and for the strength that you have given me, and are continuously giving to endure all the challenges and stress that come my way! I'm becoming a better person each day, I can feel it! haha...thank you Lord once again! meow