When God Has A Different Answer

It’s a sad day today. No, nothing happened to me or to anyone in my family, but my heart goes out to those who did not make it to the outright passed list in all of our subjects.

We finished all the exams last Saturday, and it’s now waiting time, which for me is no less difficult than knowing the results, because no matter how bad the news is, at least you already have a clear course of action.

I was just in the same situation last Thursday. I was in limbo, because I was praying hard to be exempted for an exam, yet I also know that I was praying for a miracle because realistically speaking, my scores in one area won’t make it, even if I got high scores in the two major exams. I reasoned that God is never short of miracles, but as I prayed, I felt that He was already preparing my heart to receive another miracle, not the one I was asking for.

I sought for His saving grace, but He was bent on giving me something better, his sustaining grace. It was the fifth day of exams and I was tired so I was really praying for a reprieve, especially because I knew that the final exams would be the most difficult. But as I prayed and read God’s Word, he reminded me that His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9). I wanted the easy way out, but the Lord, in His great wisdom, had better plans. Yet I was also so sure, that if he would make me take the exams, He would also graciously provide me with the strength to overcome and emerge victorious, not because I was good, but because I surrendered and relied on Him. To God be all the glory!

So I say thank you Lord for always answering my prayers. I know that if you had allowed me to be exempted, I would praise you as well, but it just so happened that you had a different lesson to teach me this time. I will still pray to be exempted next semester. I hope to do better, but I also thank you for enabling me to give my best this semester. I know I have, given the circumstances and conflicting priorities at times. I had my share of failures as well, but you never left me and you always helped me to get back on track each time I asked for forgiveness.

I thank you that although I’m also waiting for the results, it’s not to check whether I passed or not but whether I would be able to maintain my scholarship. And in that area, I can never thank you enough because I also know that no matter what happens, you will provide for me and my family.

And so I pray for you to speak of the same reassurance and peace to all my classmates who are troubled right now. I pray that they would know of your saving grace, power, and unending love, that they may also experience the peace that surpasses all understanding, but which can only come from you. 

I know that you are in charge. Let your will be done Lord! 

Sweet

I woke up this early morning (2 AM) to attempt to review for an exam tomorrow because I wasn’t feeling well last night; but the Lord is so sweet, I woke up to the news that there will be no classes tomorrow because of the bad weather.

Thank you Lord! My throat still hurts and I’m still not feeling okay but I’m so happy for this answered prayer. I didn’t even ask for it fervently, because I know that many of my batchmates are against the suspension of classes, also for valid reasons. But it was according to Your will, so it happened. And your will is always good and perfect, and I say this because it is true. Suppose it turned out differently, I know that it is for the best if you allowed it to happen.

But I’ll still try to review though no pressure now:). Thank you Lord!

My Secret Place

A few moments ago, I thought I needed to write down my thoughts because I was feeling sad and disappointed. A few minutes later, meaning right now, I'm still a bit sad and disappointed, but no longer with a heavy heart.

I'm beginning to hate group works, because the results are not as predictable as when I do things on my own. Like the recent shifting exam in Patho where I didn't do very well, it's very clear to me that the failure part was all on me. I crammed the review, and that I even got a fair score was all thanks to God. But with group works, you can give it your best and think that it would probably yield the best results, but it won't be the case if others don't deliver and in the end, you all fail together.

And for someone like me who values fairness in all things (at least as much as possible), this is really disappointing. I specifically organized and provided what the others were supposed to include in the project, but when the final output came out, it wasn't there, and true enough, the evaluator looked for it. What's more disappointing about it was the effort I put in to research on that information. I was tempted to ask why they did not include it, but knowing that it will not change anything, I stopped myself and just reflected on my sadness for the rest of the lab period and on the way home.

 And when I arrived, Alfie met me and I just started to cry out to the Lord all these frustrations. And as I prayed, I was reminded to focus on giving and not on receiving, and to just keep doing my best, focusing on the things I can control and surrendering all those that I cannot. What I do, I do foremost for God's glory, and as I keep on seeking Him, I know all my labor will not be in vain.

I am also grateful that in sad, frustrating, and draining moments such as this, just like what it says in Phil Wickham's song Secret Place, I have the Lord to run to, and I can be sure that He will meet me  and renew me once again...

And I thank you Lord giving me Alfie who is a small but important part of my secret place. It was when he came to me to be cuddled that I began to cry, and it was while looking at him playing on the floor that I found myself smiling again. Thank you for the things that you teach me through him, and for making me feel better just by looking at him..hehe

Thank you Lord!

No Classes Thoughts

I've been up since 3:30am, to do a 2nd reading of the topics for our tests today, while also refreshing my Twitter feed in anticipation of No Classes announcement.

I have extra time to spare now so you know what happened (NO CLASSES!), yet I'm not sure about how I feel. I'm grateful for the extra time, but I also know that it's just borrowed time that will demand payment in the very near future. And and..I'm prepared for the tests! Even for the reporting..haha..

But thank you Lord because I know this is your answer to my prayer. I prayed for your will to be done, and I know that your will is always good and perfect.

Help me to make this a productive day to catch up on school stuff. And be patient with me as I learn to be more grateful in every circumstance. I just remember, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed yesterday with the bulk of what we're supposed to do. And now you're giving me time but I'm still not immediately happy.

Sorry po Lord. And thank you that in all things, You are in control!

P.S.
Thank you for the continued healing! Aside from the smaller head bump and rare bouts of dizziness that do not make me lose my balance anymore, I'm back to my old self. But help me Lord to not go back to old unhealthy habits. Thank you and I love you! Good morning!

It's been a tough first week in school Lord, not so much because of the bulk of what we're supposed to do (at least not yet), but more because of the headaches, the ringing and fullness of ears, some bouts of vertigo, and the fear that something might happen.

As you continue to heal me Lord, heal my heart too. I want to be brave again, while being careful and kind to myself at the same time. May this condition not lead me to be selfish, but may it teach me to to take things slow as well, and more importantly, may I learn what you've been trying to teach me in all these things.

I know you're patient with me Lord. Help me be patient with myself. May I not yield to the pressures around me, but always seek your will in prayer, and through your Word.

Jesus, the Prince of Peace

I had a good cry last night.

Today marks one week after the unfortunate mishap that I had, and last night, I just broke down. I unintentionally did some of the things that should be avoided post-Epley maneuver and I felt that the vertigo was coming back so I did another Epley. School starts on Monday, and I was becoming impatient, optimistic that I would get better yet not sure when, and even more fearful that I missed something about my condition. My emotions were in a whirlwind, I couldn't sleep, I was uncomfortable with trying to sleep with my head at 45 degrees (almost sitting), and I was very afraid.

I didn't know what to do, and it was probably the Holy Spirit that made me decide out of the blue to listen to Hillsong United's Prince of Peace. And as I meditated on the lyrics, I knew I was struggling with wanting to have a control over my situation. I knew it was wrong, so in tears I asked the Lord for forgiveness, and surrendered all my fears to Jesus. I asked for His peace, and it was only after shedding much tears that I began to feel better.

And as I thanked the Lord for the freedom to come to Him even though I am not okay, He comforted me by making me realize that I need not be fully okay when I go back to school. Right now I still have that discomfort over my head though I can tolerate it. I still have bouts of positional vertigo though much less now and I can already maintain my balance. I'm not at my best, but it was as if Jesus is telling me that it's okay. He will supply what I need, not what I think I need, and I know it will be more than enough.

So in tears Lord I ask for your forgiveness. Thank you for reminding me Zechariah 4:6. My strength, my peace, my joy, and my victory is in You; therefore, I shall not want. In my weakness, help me to be patient, and comfort me when I get overwhelmed with fear.

Thank you that I got to see a doctor today. I prayed that you lead me to a good one and you did. I'm now more at ease, knowing the things I should expect and observe. You've already hastened my recovery, help me be patient while remaining dependent on You.

Than you Jesus, my Prince of Peace.

Memories from OS 2017

This is a late upload because Zeyn (zeynafuang.com) posted the pictures more than a month ago already (except for the last photo which is c/o Nica). Thank you Lord for this experience, for the people who made this possible, for new friends, and for Zeyn's talent:)

New Life at 28

Last Thursday, July 27, 2017, was one fateful day in my life that I would never forget.

It began as a normal rainy day, and even though I was supposed to go out to buy cake for a surprise birthday party for a friend the next day, I made plans to have the cake delivered and when that didn't work, I informed the others that I would just buy cake from a cake shop nearby.

I still had to go out however, to pick up the bacon my sister ordered, but it was just one trike ride from our village so I didn't think I would have any problem with that.

When they (from whom the bacon would come from) notified me that they were leaving from their place (approximately 20-30 mins travel from our meeting place), I also began to get ready. The next text message I received 10 minutes later however, said that they were already nearby. I did not want to make them wait long so I rushed and ran until I reached the village gate to ride a trike. I then crossed the street using the footbridge, also in a fast pace, and I was able to successfully reach the meeting place before they did, although I was panting. I then got the goods from them and they even told me to rest for a while because it was obvious that I was panting. I considered going to a fastfood place or convenience store nearby but I also wanted to reach home before the rain pours hard again so I walked up the footbridge again though in a slower pace this time as I also was carrying additional 5 kilograms with me. I was about to go down the steps when I suddenly started to feel light-headed. It wasn't the first time I felt that way and I knew I had to stop, so I dropped what I was carrying and I took deep breaths. I wanted to sit but I did not know where.

After that, my next memory was as if I was dreaming. I could not open my eyes and I knew I was just lying down, with people hovering over me and trying to help and support me. I heard them deciding to bring me to the hospital and I felt that they carried me. I was so weak my first thoughts were "Lord please I hope this is just a dream", and when I realized that it wasn't, I could only pray "Lord help me."

I do not have clear memories about how I was brought to the hospital and who brought me because I could hardly open my eyes. When my consciousness and strength improved, Ate Marife was already with me because the barangay officials fetched her from our home. Ate Angel, Ate Mary, and Micah arrived a little later. The back of my head hurt, and I'm still nursing a big contusion at the back of my head at present. I also felt very dizzy with the slightest movement which caused me to vomit. The skull x-ray results were clear and I was conscious so I was cleared for discharge. At present, I still worry somehow that something was damaged internally, but I have not experienced any deterioration in my consciousness so I just surrendered my worries to God and asked Him to take them away.

My only concern at the moment is the positional vertigo I've been having but we have been doing exercises to manage it and I know that the Lord will heal me and will not let any harm come upon me, in the same way that He protected me and saved me from worse injury that could have happened given the impact of my fall. I was able to talk with someone who saw what happened, and I praise the Lord that someone attempted to catch me although my weight was too much for him that I still fell and hit my head. I now understand why I do not have any bruise or pain in any other part of my body. She described me as looking pale and lifeless, and that they had difficulty feeling for a pulse. Thankfully they were able to ask for help to bring me to the nearest hospital via ambulance.

Just writing about this now brings tears to my eyes, knowing that it was only by the hand of God that I was saved and given a new life. He sent me many angels, some of them even fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, who not only helped me physically but also kept praying for me as they left. I know this because I was able to get in touch with one of them. I only know her as Ms. Cherry and I got her number because amazingly, she was able to contact previous coworkers of mine in the hospital so they could also lend assistance. When I thanked her and asked if she knew the others who helped me, she had these kind words to say,
"Sa totoo lang hindi ko din sila mga kilala e pero ang nakakatuwa lang they are all there hindi para mag usyoso but they are all willing to help you. Ginamit lang kami ni Lord for you to be safe dun sa area.  Sabi ko nga din sa kanila bago kami maghiwahiwalay ay ipagpray ka namin na makarecover ka at magkaroon ka ulit ng lakas. We keep on praying for you kami ng daughter ko nung nakasakay na kami ng sasakyan. We ask the Holy Spirit to embrace you. Thank you Lord answered prayer naman! 😊
Mag iingat ka palagi ha Katrina.  God bless you! 😊"

I thank you Lord for Ms. Cherry, Teacher Nora, the able officials of Brgy. West Fairview, and all those who helped me and prayed for me. I also thank You for my family, including Ate Mary and Ate Mars who have graciously taken care of me throughout this ordeal. May You bless them abundantly.

And Lord, thank you for saving me not just for eternity but also in this life. With what happened, I realized that I have not been spending my time wisely for the things that truly matter to me- my relationship with you, my family, and the ministry of helping others through healing, among many others. The incident also taught me to be careful, that though I am young I am not invincible, and that I should take care of myself better. I pray that no such danger would come upon me again, but only your will be done in my life Lord. And instead of living in fear or worry that it may happen again, your love teaches me to be fearless and careful at the same time (if there's such a balance😊), knowing that you've given me life and that you keep on preserving my life in your hands for a purpose - to give you glory! I pray that this vertigo will go away for good, and that the tiniest parts of my body that were damaged or misplaced be made right again, so that I could be a more able servant of Yours.

with my improvised neck brace, just to remind me not to lean back or forward too much to prevent vertigo attacks

My 28th birthday this coming Saturday (Aug 5), calls for a more significant celebration of your blessings, love, and protection for me Lord😊. May this overwhelming joy and gratitude in my heart help me overcome for good all my bad habits that are not pleasing in your sight. I live to glorify you Lord. I want to truly mean it with this new life. And I claim victory, yet only by your grace and mercy.

Love,
Katy

Operation Samaria 2017

The first few weeks of my vacation were certainly well-spent as I just recently got back from Operation Samaria, a 2-week short term mission trip which served a community in Palawan this year. Because of the recent terrorist attacks and in the interest of safety of the missionaries serving the community, I will not be revealing the specific place and tribe that we served. Besides, I don't think I would be needing any reminder in the future because the experience was truly unforgettable, and I praise the Lord for the opportunity to serve them and learn so much from Him in such a short time.

I did not take much pictures so I'm waiting for the beautiful ones taken by Zeyn. Until then, I only have these:)

My view from the 'attic without walls' where I slept

Who needs filter for a sunset this beautiful? Thank you Lord!

we were requested to write our reflections and submit them to Medical Ambassadors Philippines and here's what I wrote...

Lessons From God: My OS 2017 Experience

Katrina A. Paglicawan

They say learning is a journey that takes time, and that is usually true for me. But there are also special moments, such as the recent two weeks, wherein God just allowed me to journey in faith and learn far more than what I have in the past months and years.

My Operation Samaria (OS 2017) experience started way before May 22^nd, and it was truly a big step of faith for me. I first heard about it thru Dr. Pete Obregon, one of my scholarship benefactors in medical school, and when he opened the opportunity for me to join, I thought it would be a meaningful way to give back and make good use of my skills as a nurse, and as a medical student. My only issue then was if it would coincide with our term break, and when that was covered, I immediately said yes. With the expenses also covered, I did what any millennial normally does when in need of information about anything – I searched the web for resources about OS 2017 and the community we were going to serve. That it was not only a medical mission but a true mission trip as well made me want to participate more as I have also been praying and looking for more ways to participate in the Great Commission, especially to unreached people groups (UPGs).

When I attended the first orientation, I learned that everyone who will be joining had joined similar previous endeavors and that because of the complexity of ministering to a Muslim community, the participants were gathered by invitation and the registration was not opened to all. It occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be there, that they were probably worried about how I would fare and contribute, but as I prayed and reflected on how I got there, I knew it was the Lord’s hand at work. It was very much like how I got into medical school, without any plans and not knowing which step to take next; but it was also how I got to experience how the Lord guides, directs, and rewards His children as they trust and obey Him.

The location of ________ Island in Palawan however, was a cause of concern to my family. The recent news about rebel group attacks were alarming for them, and that they did not have any way to reach me while I was in the area was not very helpful. It will also be the first time that they will not be aware of my whereabouts for such a long time. I worried not for myself, because I was so sure that the Lord made the way for me and that He would also protect me and the team, but I was concerned about how they felt and I did not want to go against their will. Thankfully, as we all prayed, the Lord calmed their fears and off I went with their blessing. I also submitted their names as my prayer partners so that instead of worrying, they could be with me spiritually in prayer.

For my part, I tried to prepare as best as I could not only spiritually but in all aspects, attending all the orientations, organizing the things I needed personally and for the work I was assigned to do, and getting as much information as possible for my first airplane ride. I was determined not to be a liability in any way, but on our first night in _________, I immediately realized that I had nowhere to sleep on except for my malong. It was also the day I learned what a hammock was (please don’t judge me..haha). The Lord knew me so well. He knew it was not in my personality to speak up and ask for help especially on our first day; but suddenly there was Ate Ira asking me where I would be sleeping, and when I answered that I had my malong even without indicating that I needed help with anything, she immediately lent me their sleeping bag. It was my first lesson on gracious acceptance of help and favor, to remind me that I was part of a team – a helpful and caring team, and it made me all the more determined to offer whatever help I could. I learned a lot from each one of them as we went through big and small moments of fun, victories, difficulties, and disappointments, and they’re certainly one of the highlights of my OS 2017 experience.

But the Lord had many other lessons in store for me. I was on a mission to offer whatever I could for Him, and He was on a counter-mission to remind me that I could never outgive him. As we went to work, day by day we experienced more of God’s love, His grace, guidance and provision, as well as His power especially with the prayers of the people who went with us spiritually. He provided resources, led us to people who assisted us graciously, and went before us, enabling us to focus on giving our best for His glory. The physical strength for the daily walks, especially with our bags, could only be from the Lord. And as we sought Him in every step we took, He came through for us, calming our fears about how we should approach introducing the Gospel to the _______ people, and just follow His leading.

I was assigned to take vital signs with Nikka during the medical missions, and I thank the Lord that I was also able to practice my communication skills and some history taking skills, both with the children and adults. For the teachings, I was assigned with Nhickel who was a true teacher. I, on the other hand, was doubtful that I had enough creativity and energy in me to be appealing to the kids. But the Lord rebuked me for my unfounded worries by surprising me with the children’s open acceptance, respect, and gratefulness for everything we offered. Their response to our stories and teachings pointing them to Tuhan (God) and Isa Al Masih (Jesus Christ) was a sweet reminder of childlike faith. The students gave us hope, and they were also a testament to the fruit of Kuya Jun and Ate Lai’s missionary work in ___________.

Meeting Kuya Jun and Ate Lai’s family and learning about their experiences including their struggles, made me learn beyond the pastor’s sermon in the podium, the great importance of praying, supporting, and ministering to missionaries, by visiting them and assisting them, or by simply checking on them. I thank the Lord for workers such as them, who labor in making Him known where many people refuse to go. I am also grateful to the Lord that He has allowed me to participate in missions by giving and praying, but I also knew that I could do more especially in the area of caring for them.

Of all the times spent in the area however, the quiet mornings with the Lord as most precious to me. Without the distraction of internet and other modes of entertainment, I had much time to focus on listening to God, and it was in those mornings that He spoke to me and taught me. As I gave and offered what I have also received from the Lord, He filled my heart into overflow that I could only cry in awe of the beauty of what He has been, and is continually doing in my life. It was both a humbling and rewarding experience, even now I have difficulty finding the right words for a fitting concrete description. In many of those mornings I could only find myself in tears, just listening to the Lord, with a wider and deeper realization of what I possess in Christ. Seeing and serving the _______ tribe led me to a journey to knowing more about the heart of God, and the more I knew, the more I grasped how wide, how long, how deep, and how amazing is His love for me. I could only respond in thanksgiving for how He has been blessing me, allowing me to know Him deeply and personally. And with it came the compassion for the people who did not have the opportunity to know Him as I do. And as I praised Him, He also put my life’s direction into perspective. I have always known that He made a way for me to study medicine to give Him glory, and I know in my heart that it is not just to heal those who are physically sick. I know the Lord has big plans for me and while I still do not know much as of the moment, I know that in one way or another, reaching UPGs is part of it.

All in all, I believe I’ve become a better person and servant of the Lord. Dr. Obregon told me that joining Operation Samaria would be a life changing experience for me, and now I know he wasn’t exaggerating. I hope to participate in future medical mission trips, and I’m now more inspired to keep doing my best in my studies after a catching a glimpse of the big picture where this blessing of becoming a future doctor fits. All glory, honor, praise, and thanksgiving be to our God alone!

Post 1st Year Musings and Thanksgiving

Last Friday after our last Final exam (super last?..haha), as I was contemplating how to spend our 2-month vacation from school, I suddenly remembered I had this blog.

Our exams ended past lunch time, and as I was eating my favorite Mushy Chix crepe from Cafe Breton (the best!) courtesy of Micah, with my mixed berries tea because I was trying to prevent an itchy throat from progressing, I had this urge to write down my thoughts again. I do keep a journal for my daily devotion and quiet time with the Lord but I do not have anything for my random thoughts and musings...which I have in volumes, expanding even more since I ventured into med school last year.

And the Lord has been so good to me, blessing me with His overflowing provisions - resources, wisdom, strength, good health and so much more. Almost all of my classmates call me Ate Kat because most of them are even younger than Micah. I do not mind the 'seniority'. Instead, I try to use it to influence, and to help my classmates. This, however, somehow placed me on a platform, and some of my classmates see me as someone who has it all together - intelligent, unfazed, and always okay. Of course I tell them I'm not, that I only try to do my best in everything; but in my heart I am also glad that I am able to shine the Lord's light this way, reflecting His peace that surpasses all understanding, and His joy that gives me strength. I also love how I appear strong in their eyes, all because I've surrendered all to my Lord, including all of my weaknesses and anxieties.

They no longer see my tears each time I break down in prayer to God whenever I'm overwhelmed with the weight of what I had to study in such a limited time; because what I offered in tears, the Lord replaced and gave back as joy, peace and strength. I'm also thankful to the Lord that He made me a worship leader, because I know a lot songs which I can easily sing to myself whenever I feel down or afraid. I'll consolidate those in another post so I won't forget them even when I can no longer pay for my Spotify subscription..hehe

I know I'm going in circles, which also reflect the way my thoughts are. But I'd like to end by saying how grateful I am to the Lord for an eventful first year in Med school. He has kept me sane and strong, by allowing me to come to Him anytime, as I am, in my weakness and unworthiness.

I love that with you Jesus, I do not have to wait to be okay before I can come to you. You draw me with your love to come as I am, assured that you will always meet me where I am, with your comfort and grace. With you, I do not feel judged, but as I pray, I love that You always set my heart right eventually, patiently leading me even if I take some time. I pray that I'd be able to spend the 2-month break meaningfully, for your glory. Thank you!!!!