I'm beginning to ♥ Metro Manila:)

Today I learned that Metro Manila isn't such a bad place after all, I wonder why all kinds of stories about crime usually come with it? I'm saying this because the people I've encountered have been so kind to me today. They could have taken advantage of my innocence, though ignorance would be a more fitting term:), but they didn't. They've all been very helpful and I'm so grateful Lord for all of them- the bus conductor who dropped me off my 'never before seen' destination, the jeepney barkers who helped me get a cab and called my attention when I dropped my coin purse, the manong guard who gave me directions, and the hr kuya who has been nothing but gracious. I just wish I could tell this story to Ate, with so much emphasis on all the people God has used to bless me today, so she won't have to reprimand me for not knowing what I'm doing. But day by day I'm learning, and with God's guidance I'm beginning to see Metro Manila as it is, seeing more of the good and beautiful things and less of the irritating ones. May You continue to guide me Father as I follow your lead, not just in going where you lead me, but also in making the right decision at all times. Let your will be done in my life, my whole trust is in You!!! I ♥ you!!! meow

Mother's Love Part I

Last November 1st, we commemorated the death, or the lives rather of the people who bore and nurtured us three siblings- Mama Susie and Mama Josie. All Saint's Day is a special time for our family to bond and remember our mothers together- two great, beautiful and wonderful women who have offered their lives for their family, and for God's glory. They aren't martyrs, although their sufferings would've matched with those who literally died for Christ. They both died of cancer, and maybe it's one of the major reasons why I find it so interesting. For unlike most lethal diseases in this world, cancer is not rare; cancer is not communicable; and cancer attacks all kinds of people, surpassing the boundaries of race, age, gender, and other factors. It's just sad, especially for Papa, that we had to go through it twice. And I wasn't a nurse yet when my mothers got sick, so I guess now that I am able to take care of various cancer patients, I really make it a point to provide the best care possible, something I would have done for Mama Susie and Mama Josie had I known how to back then.

My sisters and I took after our mothers in many ways. I don't know much about my Mama Susie; the limited things I know about her are mostly from the stories of our neighbors, close family friends, and relatives. I was only 3 years old when she died and I can no longer remember that part of my childhood. I don't know what happened to my mind, but it just shut off most of the events that happened when I was very young such that the earliest memory I have occurred when I was already 4 or 5 years old. It isn't even vivid, I just 'somehow' remember how my nursery room looked like. But the things that happened to our family, when Mama Susie died, when Mama Josie became our second mother, those things I can no longer remember. So it was only through her pictures, and through other people's stories that I was able to conjure an image, a memory of her.

For one, she is very beautiful, quite a catch, and I actually think that my father's very lucky to have her. Anyone who would find even half the man Papa is for a partner is also very lucky although this post isn't about him so I'm saving my praises, probably for his birthday:) Back to Mama Susie, being the pretty, pampered lady that she was, people also describe her as very feminine, wears thick make-up and 'very short' shorts, unskilled in 'dirty' household chores, can't sleep in a mat, and doesn't eat shrimps and crabs. Between me and Ate Angel, people say that it was I who took after her. They say I look like her although I think she's way much prettier. I eat shrimps and crabs although I admit that I used to not have the patience to break the crab shell so I just wait for Papa to give me some meat, for which Papa said that "I'm like my mother". I can sleep on the mat, with stress on the word 'can'. When I was much younger, we had a household rule that said "Kailangan sa banig matulog kapag maysakit, para hindi matuyuan ng pawis"; and I was a sickly child so I had to sleep on the mat many nights in a row while they were all comfortable in their mattresses. So whenever I would express my dislike, Papa would always explain why it's needed and would end up saying, "Para kang mama mo." I rarely wear make-up, as in RARELY; however, Papa doesn't seem to enjoy seeing me applying color on my face and he would always say, "Para kang mama mo, ang kapal-kapal magmake-up," even when my make-up's so light it was unnoticeable. There are very few pictures at home, all taken when she was still single, with Mama Susie wearing thick make-up, which translates to 'smoky eyes'..hahaha. In fairness, my mom's good at doing it; but we all agree that she's most beautiful without it. As with the shorts, I understand that it was also fashionable back then, and my mom surely had what it takes to wear one publicly; for unlike Ate and I, she was also gifted with a petite frame. My mom was a teacher in our local public high school and one of her students who learned that I was her daughter while we were riding a bus together told me, "Alam mo, yung mama mo ang pinakamagandang teacher sa buong Bacnotan National High School nung kapanahunan niya." I just hope he wasn't asking at the back of his mind, "What happened?":)

 But more than my mother's physical attributes, likes, dislikes and mannerisms, she is well remembered and forever loved by the people who know her, as a very sweet, kind and generous woman. Papa said that they needed house-help even when they didn't have kids yet because Mama Susie's inexperienced with the dirty side of housework. She's not used to doing housework per se but she loved to cook and to experiment on new recipes, and she would always cook enough to have something to share to all of our neighbors. I've never heard anyone say anything bad about her character, not because she's dead but because they have nothing but praises for my mom's kindness and generosity, so much so that she's also described as gullible. Papa even enjoys telling the story about my mom, cheated into paying for a betamax player she hasn't even seen. Someone ran to our house to report to Papa that Mama was at the gate of our compound crying. Mama was pregnant (with me or Ate) then so Papa literally rushed to her aid, only to find out that my mother has been cheated. Of course, Papa said nothing but words of consolation, trying to avoid anything that would further upset Mama although in his mind, he was also probably irritated with the money that was lost. And when we asked him how Mama could've fallen for it, he answered "Eh sobrang bait nga kasi ng Mama Susie."

Ate Angel and I would probably pass for 'mabait' but not 'sobrang bait'. We both have our share of outbursts, sometimes out of anger, most of the time out of impatience, and we're still on the process of becoming better. Between Ate and I, I believe I trust more easily and am also gullible at times but we both know that we're 'suplada' at different levels. We also have a more conservative, yet not so feminine take on our fashion statement and demeanor but I hope to come close to the fine, kind-hearted lady that she is one day. Again, I have no memories of our mother-child relationship except for what I see in the pictures; but even without her physical presence, I know she was with us then and until now. I hate to admit it but I wasn't a happy child. I had so many issues, as in, I think I had a mild case of middle-child syndrome. I lacked a sense of belongingness and for many times I thought and felt that I wasn't loved, deluded in overwhelming thoughts of unworthiness, not being good enough, always doing the wrong things, and most of all, SELF-PITY. I didn't have a best friend and Ate and I fought all the time and I couldn't express how I felt to my parents without fear of rejection, and worse, rebuke; so at a very young age, I treasured my time being alone. I was also a sickly child so I wasn't allowed to participate much in the outdoor games my ate and our neighbors play together; and for the few times that I was allowed, I was more of a liability than an asset in the group so unfortunate to have me (haha) so they weren't really enthusiastic to have me in their teams. Our neighbors, who were probably clueless about the personality-injurious impact of subjective comparison (Anne is more ___ than Ana), dubbed me as 'maarte' like my Mama Susie, while ate was the outgoing, 'astig' type whose company is loved by all. I viewed myself then as her weak, sickly, and cry-baby sibling who was less than her in everything except in singing (bongga!:) So whenever I'm sad, I just usually lock up in the room and cry my heart out. The funny thing is, I found it soothing to cry in front of the mirror (parang nagwoworkshop lang:) while embracing my favorite pillow. And this is where my so precious memory of my Mama Susie comes into play. I couldn't share my heartaches to anyone living, so I sought comfort, and found it, in the knowledge that my Mama Susie is always with me:), that she sees me from heaven, that she knows how I feel, and that together with Jesus, she would just have to embrace me and I would find peace and understanding in whatever it is I'm going through.

Sometimes, I still wish I had known her better, that I had greater awareness of my environment even at a very young age, so I could still remember in my mind how she looked like without having to think of photographs, how she cared for me and loved me, how she was a mother to me. Thankfully, what my mind seem to have forgotten, my heart vividly remembered. And if there's a life lesson I know by heart, it would be that everything happens for a reason, and for us, children of God, everything works according to God's plan, for the good of those who love Him. Mama, I love you so much and I'll forever be thankful to you for bearing me and bringing me out safely into this world, for letting us know and love God through your example, for being the best mother to us, physically for the first 3 years of my life, and until now, for guiding and assuring us of your loving presence in our lives. I know you are happy and grateful for what we have become, and I'll continue to make you proud, together with Papa and Mama Josie. I love you dearly and I miss you so much...:)

And now, I'm ending this entry with your favorite passage in the Bible:)

P.S.
Part II is on the way, a feature entry on my Mama Josie:) meow

Glad to Fast:)

After 7 days of consecration through prayer and fasting, I'm back to using Facebook, to blogging, and most of all, to EATING! yeeey! Father God I'm very sorry if I sound so excited to eat but you know that more than a sacrifice, I consider the past 7 days as an offering to you, and an opportunity for myself to repent, to go back to You, my first love, and to know you more in my life. But you also know how excited I am to eat!..to be able to look at food without the guilt feeling, without having to shut myself in the room in prayer, asking you for self-control together with my prayers for repentance. I didn't have a record of the first time I fasted for roughly a week too back in college so I want to keep a record of the recent 7 days in this blog. In comparison with the previous times I fasted, I can say that this is the most serious, most committed, and most fruitful I've done so far. Back then (college), I fasted as a member of the church; and in other instances, I fasted because I was asking for something. This time, the first reason cited is still included in my list and the second, also included but very secondary; because more than anything else, I fasted for the past 7 days (Oct 17-23) to renew my covenant with Christ, to undergo the process of repentance and revival day by day, not really asking for anything, but more hoping that I would be able to offer something to God- something worthy, something striving to be holy, something I could give whole-heartedly and most of all, something that is not about me. It is my life, dedicated to His Kingdom and glory, that I want to give (so it is still about me) but not for my gain; instead, for God's glory. We've all been battling with pride and selfishness since we were born and I know that 7 days of devoted prayer and fasting (1 meal a day) would not be enough to achieve the change I want to attain but I want to offer God a concrete proof of my serious desire to glorify Him in my life. Eating a meal a day, with all the energies I need for the kind of work that I do was a very tough sacrifice.
I started on Sunday and it was fine. I was so excited to do it again, so hopeful and 'somehow' confident that I'd be able to go through the 7 days easily. Monday was fair. I consider it the toughest day because my stomach practically longed for anything to digest that afternoon. Thank God for self-control, I was able to relieve my hunger with rest, prayers, lots of God's Word, and sleep. I woke up late the next day and consequently, I was late for duty-my first time to be LATE for duty! I've resolved to eat just breakfast daily so you can just imagine how hungry I was, unable to eat that morning and with breakfast the previous day as my last food intake. Wala akong glucose for more than 24 hours and I was already feeling light-headed at around 10 am. With our kind of work, especially since I was assigned at the emergency room that week, I couldn't afford to have even the slightest deterioration in my level of consciousness. At around 11, I prayed to God then I decided to eat 1 hard candy, reasoning out that I wouldn't compromise the care I provide to my patients because I woke up late and wasn't able to eat. It was my fault and I should be able to make up for it without risking my work and the people I work for. Then at around lunch time, I ate the most delicious banana-chocolate bread I've ever tasted..haha! The following days went on smoothly, thank God! I ate just one meal a day, sometimes breakfast, sometimes lunch depending on the availability of time; although I wasn't really sure if I did it the way I would have wanted to because I was binge-eating, eating all the food I can contain, as if saving up for the rest of the food-less day.

  The 'consecration module' was very helpful, as it guided me in setting my daily goals and provided me with new revelation and encouragement each day. I couldn't have successfully gotten through that week if not for the strength that comes from God, and the self-control and proper attitude I've developed throughout the years, through the people and the experiences God has blessed me with. Saturday night was our culmination night and we capped off the week with  a gathering among us members of the church who fasted. There were testimonies, prayer dances, symbolic rituals, and community prayers and I was so glad to have participated with the 7 days of consecration. I realized a lot of things about myself  but it was a different experience, because instead of focusing on myself and be filled with guilt, I had the chance to focus on God's power in my life, his divine love that made me realize my mistakes, and would surely help me achieve the change I so need in my life, in my desire to walk according to His ways. Thank you Lord for FCF!

Now, weeks after those 7 wonderful days, I still am not the person I dream to be. I'm still impatient, at times selfish and proud, but I'm no longer blinded to my heart's true condition. Knowing God made me know more about myself, more in touch with my feelings, and more in control of my actions. My prayers are yet to be answered, but I know that my God will meet all my needs according His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. As for my special requests, I know they will all be answered in His perfect time. Right now, I'm happy and contented, with God's strength and guidance to help me get through each day. Father, in your hands, I entrust my entire life. I love you so much!!! and my heart is filled with so much joy, knowing you this way, and assured forever of your unconditional love! Thank you so much! Unto You be all the glory! meow