Happy First Day to me!

August 31, 2010: FIRST DAY/ORIENTATION as a trainee for the 35th Post-Graduate Course in Clinical Nursing Practice (Basic Skills Training) at the National Kidney and Transplant Institute, East Ave., Quezon City!!!

I was worried I would be late, but I tried hard to free my mind of any kind of stress, most especially at the beginning of my first day. I had a semi-fun, semi-boring day today:) as we served audience to the outgoing trainees' creative presentations on discharge planning. Well four months from now, we're expected to do the same so I listened intently to all the presentations as well as the critiques, taking note of the important details. The price of my coming here, not just in terms of monetary resources, is pretty big, so I want to make sure I get my money's and other sacrifices' worth. It was a great 1st day, much lighter than I've imagined, for which I'm very grateful. I will really do my best and try to participate in all the activities, all these to reach my nearing short-term goal: STABLE WORK!
As they say, 'Good things come to those who wait', and I know better and greater things will come to me because I wait patiently, I hope and pray fervently, I work hard, and most of all, because I am assured of God's love and wonderful plans for me. May the Lord guide me, strengthen me, keep me safe and healthy at all times, and provide me with the right knowledge, skills, and values that would enable me to care for my patients the best way I could. May the wisdom that only comes from Him be upon me, that I may do what's right at all times, and be a blessing to everyone I encounter.

I made new friends today in the person of Ate Rina and KC and I hope to make more friends in the following days! Thank you so much Father God! I love you much! meow

Following God's Lead

It's been a while since my last post and since my last 'relaxed time for myself'. Many things have happened in my life these past days, almost too fast I must say, but I'm major major:p happy and thankful to be where I am now.

It was last Wednesday, August 18, when I finally learned that I won't be getting my IV therapy license on time for the training program I'm applying for. I called the officer in charge to simply inform her about it, but instead of saying sorry which is what I expected, she said otherwise- that I could just get a certification that my license  is on process to join their program. It was what I was hoping she would say, yet when I heard it from her, I didn't feel all too happy about the fact that I have to immediately go to Manila, settle things, and bid goodbye to La Union if I get accepted. Half of my heart wanted to stay, but the other half longed to grab that opportunity, and I knew in my heart even then that I wouldn't forgive myself if I wouldn't even try. So I decided to go to Manila immediately after my night duty (which ended at 7am the next day). I left a letter to my senior nurse requesting for a change in schedule so I could have a double-off (Thursday and Friday) and I explained my situation to my dear friend and co-trainee Madzy who expressed support and agreed to inform our senior nurse in case I would no longer be coming back. Well it was almost final that I would no longer be coming back but I guess at the back of my mind, there's this thought that if something wrong happens and I wouldn't get in, I'd be happy to stay. And as I was riding the jeepney that Thursday morning, I actually felt that I wasn't just going home, that I was leaving a lot of things important to me. Madzy even pointed out that I didn't look excited, and I guess it was because I had very little time to say goodbye not just to the people, but also to the things I love doing that come with the place.

Ate Angel fetched me from the terminal that evening and she was one of the people who said that she's happy that I would be living with her. Another is my 4 year-old nephew Zach, who welcomed me with a kiss and a warm embrace, only to ask me to color with him immediately afterwards:) My cousin Ate Vikki was very kind and it was she who went with me to the hospital to finalize my application. She and Kuya Joel welcomed me and allowed me to stay in their home even without my asking. Tito Thoben was also such a blessing, for it was he who guided us where to go and talked to people he knows so we wouldn't need to fall in line, and so that all we needed to do was to follow him, pay, and wait. When the application became final, the whole 'I'll be staying in Manila' thought also finally sunk in. And along with it came the realization that this could be God working in my life. I prayed for this opportunity, yes, but it wasn't part of my plan. So it could only be either a distraction or God's will, but that I would never know unless I give it a shot. But I'm actually confident that this is all part of my God's wonderful plan in my life; first, because I prayed for it; second, because He has already settled everything for me, and third, because I feel the love and support of the people around me. When I came back to La Union to personally inform the nursing office of ITRMC that I would have to terminate my post-graduate training, they too immediately understood the situation and expressed support. When I explained my situation to our pastor, she also congratulated me, prayed for me, and reinforced that this is a blessing from the Lord, a reward for my faithfulness in continually serving Him all the ways I can. Our music team in our local church will always be a burden I will keep in my heart, it was actually what I was most concerned about. But I'm assured of God's love and guidance for all of us, that no one is indispensable in the church, and that no matter what problems we may encounter, it will flourish because it is God's work. They also expressed support in this new journey I would be taking, even though my departure would leave a space in the team vacant. We're short of workers and that makes it all the more difficult, but I promised to keep on praying for the team, lending a hand whenever they need my help. My Papa hoped that I would stay a bit longer and he kept on saying that they would surely miss me, but I know that he's very very happy for me.


So now, I am here, so proud of myself for my outstanding performance in commuting alone to and from the hospital, yehey! I got lost a few times and have taken the longer route only to discover that there's a shortcut within NKTI going to LCP, but it is through being lost that I learn and discover greater things. I walked a considerably long distance from the gate of the subdivision to our house but I enjoyed every minute of it. I wanted to go to the mall too but I was feeling hungry, and concerned about not knowing the place too well so I decided to just spend the rest of the day at home. Papa kept on asking me where I was, where I would go next, but that's totally understandable. Don't get me wrong, I've actually been to Manila many times already since I was a child. I even used to spend summer vacations here but it's just that being LOST is my thing, so much so that if there's an award for it, I'd be a grand slam winner. I also rarely travel alone which is why my 5-year stay in Baguio all alone back in college was one of my greatest achievements in life. I take pride of my good memory, but I guess I'm just not that observant unless I need to be. My family also thinks of me as 'aanga-anga' so even after assuring them that I can manage (at 21 years old), they're still not as confident as I am. But that's ok, they weren't there in Baguio after all when I had to go to places, all foreign to me, either by jeepney, by taxi, or most of the time, by foot. I know Manila's a whole new different story-it's much bigger, much farther from home, and much more dangerous in many ways but I'm still confident that I can manage, not because I know exactly what to do, but because I have my Creator who watches over me, takes good care of me, and keeps me away from all kinds of harm at all times:)
I'll be staying here for four months, but I hope and pray to land a great job here afterwards so I'd be staying much longer, but I hope it wouldn't take long for me to get used to the place. It's raining endlessly hard right now, just like the great, endless, and more abundant blessings God is yet to shower in my life and in our family. I may have left the safety and comfort of my home but I'm assured that for as long as I put God first in everything I do, I will always end up getting more than I've sacrificed. God continue to bless me, guide me, and hide me under the shadow of your wings, that I may always be a blessing to every person I encounter. Let your light shine in my life and let your glory be seen in our entire family, and nation as well. I love you, and I'll keep on following, loving, and thanking you all the days of my life because you never fail to give me a reason each day to love you more and more. In light, and in darkness, I give you praise! Unto you be all the glory! meow

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I rarely feel down and troubled but when I do, my friends make sure that just like in the song, I can always call on them, and they'll be there for me. I haven't really been well since my birthday, and since Mark and I had a misunderstanding. I've already bragged about mastering the art of isolating 'not so good' feelings from the good ones, and I do that each day, not letting my worries and loneliness affect my daily activities and dealings with other persons, but letting them go permanently is, I guess, something I cannot do until they are really, truly, and definitely resolved. By honestly telling him what I want for myself, for us; by reinforcing my womanhood and insisting that I want to start our relationship right; and by wanting to feel secure, loved and valued, I thought I was doing the right thing. And up until now, I still believe that I did the right thing. I'm not sure if I did it right (though I couldn't think of any other way of saying it); but I am very sure of what I want and I won't settle for anything less...or maybe I would, but the proposal for a compromise must come from him. But in case it was I who messed up, I can no longer take back what I said and I don't also want to do that, I can only say sorry for hurting him and keep praying that he would understand what I want to happen, or if not, at least we could settle our differences enough to remain friends, especially because we've been family friends even before I was born. And because more than being my first love, he's also been a very good friend to me. I know that our story has been going on for too long, it's high time for closure; and by closure, I mean that either we'll finally be together as a couple, or we'll both realize that we can't be any more than friends. I used to think that after all we've been through, we deserve to give our relationship a chance; but now, I realized that wouldn't it be unfair for the both of us to just 'try' for the sake of the many years we've waited for each other? That's why I hope that this would already be the last of our endless pre-closure arguments and I pray that we would finally understand each other, and hopefully reach a happy ending soon. I admit that I am afraid, that I dread the possibility of having to end things not in the way I've imagined them to be. And it's this fear that compelled me to consult my best buds, not really knowing what I want from them. Perhaps I was looking for advice, for support, or just someone who would listen.
My friends had different opinions about my situation. Though they're my friends, they were never biased and they've always balanced objectivity, empathy, and concern in helping me deal with my problems that's why I'm very proud, and thankful, to have them as my friends. Actually, the moment I told them that I have a problem, they already knew what it was about..haha..am I that predictable? It was Barb who told me that I'm blessed with wonderful family and friends that's why it could only be a BOY problem..haha..
Barb, being a male himself, enlightened me of the possibility that maybe, he got tired of waiting, and by asking him some things, he probably thought that he only waited all these years for nothing. For some who only know that he's been courting me for years, I might appear as 'nagpaasa lang sa wala'. But the question that would link to why I'm like this is, 'What has he really done to pursue me all these years?' I've been honest with him from the moment he told me that he likes me. I told him that I can't return his feelings because I was still young and studying. He said he would wait, and there's really nothing I can do with that because it's his decision. So we remained friends, close friends, and although I love him, I was firm with him and with myself that I wouldn't get involved in a relationship without my parents' blessing. But I guess I wasn't that firm, because my feelings still showed in my actions. Until one day, napilit niya kong sabihin how I truly feel, assuring me  that he won't demand anything from me, that he only wants to know. At siyempre, makakapagdeny pa ba naman ako eh obvious na rin naman. So there, from platonic friends, we became special friends with a mutual understanding. Until one day, ang sabi niya, nililigawan na daw niya ako. Nothing has changed really so I told him, 'hindi ko dama'. And since then, we've had so many arguments about his alleged courtship and my complaints of not recognizing and feeling his efforts, especially when it was I who had to make the effort so we could talk and see each other. And when I told him that when we see each other again, 'dalagang Pilipina' na ako, meaning I would let him make the effort to see me, talk to me, etc. That's when he got really mad at me. I just want to feel valued, and I don't want to have this need to explain to others especially to my father whenever I organize a meeting with him. Well in fairness to him, he's actually made lots of effort to keep in touch with me, sometimes to fetch me or take me home, but I don't understand why he can't ask me out, or why he can't see me in normal, ordinary situations. I guess he's so used to having things the easy way, he really isn't up to the challenge...waaah, but am I really so mean and demanding to ask for a few things?
My daling Loy certainly doesn't think so. She told me that if he really likes me, he would make the effort to really court me, make me feel loved and valued. And as an argument against what Gregg and Barb said that 'not all men would do that', my daling believes that men are not the same with all the women they like. She further said that if a man thinks a woman is worth the effort, he would realize the need to do extra things, even without being asked. And of course I believe that I'm worth the effort. I may not have the experience that would certify my abilities as a good girlfriend but I really believe that I'm quite a catch.
Madzy, on the other hand, insisted on the fact that maybe, we really just don't understand each other. She told me that I should tell him directly what I want, which is that my family would readily know that he's courting me without being told by other people, so they would also readily understand when I finally say yes and agree to be his girlfriend. The final most important thing is the PROPOSAL, he should ask me to be his girlfriend. I think I deserve that. And in fairness to me, I think I've explained all these things to him before. They were things he actually also agreed to; but when he got mad, he told me that he was actually hurting when he agreed with me on these things. He said that I was being too hard on him, which I really don't understand.
In the end, all of these really is just up to us. I've already sent him messages, explaining my side, and expressing my desire to understand each other, to patch things up and settle things once and for all. He hasn't replied to any of them and I'll try again tonight, just like what I always do. It can be tiring you know, being the side who would more often push for peace (always is too absolute) even if I feel that I am the aggrieved party. At least now, I know very well what my problem with him is. I do not feel that he's courting me, and consequently, I do not feel that he loves me as much as he tells me he does.  I know the problem is not one-sided, and I also know that I've also done things that contributed to what we are now, but I'm determined to make it right this time. May the Lord help me, guide me, and bless me because I really have no idea if what I'm doing is truly right. And my highest praise and thanksgiving goes to Him for I know that all these will pass, that He has a greater plan for all of us, and that for as long as I put my whole trust in Him, everything will be more than alright in the end. Most of all, I thank Him for my friends and family who are always there for me. They're among the endless reasons why I'm always assured that God loves me, and cares for me. Life, after all, isn't always fair, at least at the moment; and you can't always get what you want in this life. But as the song goes, if you try sometime, then you just might find, you get what you need:)...My Saviour Jesus Christ, unto You be all the glory! meow

Happy Birthday to Me!

 Last August 05, 2010, I celebrated my 21st year of life in this world. When I turned 18, I didn't really consider it as a major turning point. For me, I was still very young, immature, dependent in many ways, and unable to decide many things for myself. After all, I was still in school then, and the only difference it really made was the authority it gave me to legally sign documents in behalf of myself, no need for a legal guardian. But turning 21, at this point in my life when I've already graduated, although I still don't have a stable job, I feel more in charge of myself, not just because I'm legally able, but because I am mentally, emotionally and spiritually able, thanks to the maturity that came from the past wonderful years filled with learning experiences and adventures!

Nothing fancy really happened on my birthday. Madzy and I had breakfast after our night duty, then I bought some groceries for my spaggheti, went home, went to sleep, woke up in time for lunch, met with Madzy once again for a job fair, then finally spent the rest of the afternoon towards evening cooking enough spaghetti that we could share with our neighbors and relatives. Mark and I had a misunderstanding the previous night and it remains unresolved until now so it kind of tinted my supposedly very happy birthday with a little sadness. Thankfully for me, I have already mastered the art of isolating my emotions, recognizing them to be able to let them go, so they wouldn't affect my mood in a major way, especially on my BIRTHDAY! A lot of people greeted me, sent me messages and gave me their wishes and I'm very grateful for all of them. Finally, my highest praise goes to my Creator, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, to whom I owe everything I am. Thank you for all the blessings you have given me, and for the many more blessings to come in all the aspects of my life. Help me keep the faith as I face the daily challenges that come my way and may my life always and forever, give glory to your name! I love you Jesus! Happy birthday to me once again! meow

P.S. That caricature of me above was made by my very artistic friend, Madzy...back in college, I was our group leader so it was I who made sure we finished all the work needed on time, particularly our research project. thank you for spending my birthday with me!

Stress?! I can handle it:)

Last Saturday afternoon towards Sunday morning was one of the most stressful days of my life. Theoretically, stress is a stimuli, an event or a set of circumstances causing a disrupted response, that increases an individual's vulnerability to illness (nosebleed:), or anything that arouses the mind and body to respond to demands made upon it. As such, stress is a very normal, natural part of life, so for myself, I only consider the things or events that give me headache, especially those that are unexpected, as stressful; and last Saturday pm to Sunday am, I definitely had loads of it.
Saturday morning was our schedule of practice for Sunday service the next day, and good for all of us, things went as planned. We were all well-prepared and there was harmony and camaraderie during the practice. It was after the practice that the problem came because when I checked my Motorola V3 immediately after I reached home, it was no longer working properly. There was just white background on the screen and when I tried to troubleshoot it by turning it off, it seemed I did more harm than good because I could no longer turn it on. My phone's old, that's a given fact, but it was still unexpected, especially when my Sony Ericsson K508i won't also charge. My SE K508i has been with me since 4th year high school, while my V3 was given to me when I was in 2nd year college, making them almost 10 and 4 years old respectively. I'm not really into cellphones, there are actually times when I forget to look at it for days, and I usually read and reply to messages I've received late. I only use it to contact my family especially Papa, to keep in touch with relatives and friends, and to address some personal/important matters. I consider cellphones as partly luxury and necessity, but that's also the reason why I make sure I take good care of them, and the years that they've been with me, working properly, is enough proof that I did a good job.
                                                  

Back to the story, there was no way I could have it repaired immediately so Papa suggested that I buy a new phone with my savings, so it was decided that we would look for a phone the next day after the service. Later that night at 11 pm, I went for duty in the hospital. I was so confident that the 8 hours would just pass easily and that I would be able to go out on time because our census for our ward was only 16. But the most stressful thing happened when a few minutes after endorsement, the nurse supervisor came and asked me to lend a hand at the pediatric ward. I knew it would be toxic, and I've already forgotten about the possibility of having a break at the very least but I didn't expect that it would be very very stressful. First of all, I have never been to that ward; secondly, i didn't receive the endorsement, and i could go on citing all the other reasons but it would all boil down to the fact that I wasn't prepared. Actually, it wouldn't have been that stressful if I didn't have to rush home immediately after duty and prepare myself to lead the praise and worship at church. The job is after all, the same, but what I really wasn't open to was the possibility of extending. Nevertheless, I spent my 8 sleepless hours there, assisting patients, giving medications, etc. until it was already 7 am. I was done with all the medications but we still had to prepare the medications for the next shift. It wasn't the case in other wards but it seemed that it was necessary in the pedia ward. I was already feeling fidgety, trying to figure out how I would be able to prepare it all on time, and my stress level went up when the incoming nurse really ordered me to prepare all the medications before I get home. I've already informed my staff that I would have to exit at 7 am, explaining the prior engagement I'm committed to but I also couldn't just walk away because it was time, with all the work left unfinished. So there I extended, but only for 30 minutes, because although I had responsibility at work, I also have responsibility in the church; and I reasoned out to my pro-work conscience that perhaps I've already given so much help, given the fact that I wasn't really supposed to be there, and I've already explained my plight to my staff, and she understood, so I shouldn't be bothered with my decision to go. In fairness to me, I only left 6 medications unprepared, and I even followed up lab results before I went home. Thank God for the bus, the fast driver, and the tricycle that brought me home. I also had crackers in my bag and that was what I ate in the bus to save time. So there, I was able to prepare myself fast, and get to the church on time. I didn't have my much needed quiet time, prayer and bible reflection that morning due to obvious reasons but I knew in my heart that if God would ask if I have done my best to make it, to serve Him not just by serving in church but through my work as well, I can confidently face Him and say that 'I have done my best!'. And I'm also sure that He understood...
Thankfully, the service went us planned and I felt God's presence touch me that morning. I was frustrated at first, maybe because I was thinking so much of my limitations, but when I unburdened myself of it all, God's spirit filled me, and assured me that He is pleased with me. After the service we had lunch, then we went to San Fernando in search of my new phone. I got myself a new Sony Ericsson Elm and I'm so happy! Thank you Lord! 
Afterwards we went to the grocery for our supplies, the drugstore for Papa's medicine and Micah's vitamins, the old market to buy scrub suit, and finally to Jollibee for Papa's pre-birthday treat for me! It's childish, I know, but I wasn't in the mood for fine dining, so another visit to my favorite branch was just the right one for me.  
Then we went home and I spent the rest of the day discovering my phone's features. After taking a bath, my stomach ached and I knew it was colic so kailangan ko lang idapa. But instead of just relieving my stomach ache, I ended up sleeping, nakadapa and all. I guess it was my body's way of telling me to rest, to not overdo things, and basically to get some sleep:) The next day, after all, is another duty day for me and I need to be physically prepared to be able to provide the best care for my patients.
So after those stressful days, I would probably be cautious in agreeing to commitments but I can't really promise myself that I won't repeat it again. Because although I didn't welcome the stress, I was so proud of myself because I remained calm through it all, I was still able to do all that I had to do, not letting stress get in the way! So I guess my prayers and efforts for personality development are working. Thank you Lord for the patience, for the presence of mind, for the calmness, and for the strength that you have given me, and are continuously giving to endure all the challenges and stress that come my way! I'm becoming a better person each day, I can feel it! haha...thank you Lord once again! meow