always love: October 2010

The only thing permanent in this world is CHANGE. I got it wrong the first time it was asked in a religion quiz back when I was in 4th year high school, but that's one of the reasons why I never forgot about it. You see, I'm the type of person who remembers my mistakes more than the things I got right. Back then, I thought I was just being grade conscious, determined to have all the answers right for the next quiz or exam, and I even reprimanded myself for it; but after years of encounters, reflections, and opportunities for self-awareness I gratefully grabbed, I realized that this attitude of mine towards my mistakes tells so much about my personality. Some of my friends say that I'm borderline obsessive-compulsive, only to contradict themselves at times when I act so lax, so carefree, and so 'keber' lang:) But speaking in Freud's language, I must commend my parents and the other people who raised me, for providing an environment for growth that maximized the development of my superego aka my 'conscience'. I get guilty so easily, which probably accounts for my obedient attitude toward authority, my being not-so-adventurous and i-will-ask-for-permission-first attitude, and my obsession for the specifics, the basic instructions, so careful to avoid any mistakes. This is who I am and who I try to be most of the time. Seeing myself this way, used to also make me feel guilty for being so self-righteous; because for someone claiming to know oneself, I should also know my imperfections, my negative attitudes, my flaws, backlogs, and limitations; and more than that, I should also know that I have tons of them and that I am way too far from being the conscientious person I imagine myself to be. But it is also this knowledge that I am not, and I can never be perfect, that seem to make my conscience even stronger. For I am not a saint, but I want to be one. I am not holy, but I strive to be one. I am not always patient, loving, giving, and kind, and I do not always see the good in people; but each day, I pray that God would help me and bless me with all these wonderful traits and all the good things a daughter of His should have. And each day, He never fails to surprise me with people, experiences, reading materials, and other mysterious and unimaginable ways by which He answers my prayer, and helps me become the person I want to be, holy, acceptable and pleasing in His sight.So now, CHANGE for me isn't just an answer to a test question anymore; it is a gift, a precious opportunity to become better, and I'm so glad it's a choice we could all just make for FREE! But on second thought, choosing to change isn't always free, and I have learned that lesson by firsthand experience the hard way just recently.

A lot of unforgettable things actually happened in my life these past weeks I couldn't get to write them all, or I'm not sure if I should write about them. I've actually been battling with myself for days if I should write about it so I could remember it, or if I should just forget about it; but here I am typing, so when I read this months or years from now, I could easily guess who won. I change everyday, but it usually happens gradually. I haven't had so many turning points in my life for the past 21 years and I hope that could pass as an excuse for some life-changing decisions I made that seem so sudden, because I myself am surprised with what had happened.

WARNING: The next paragraphs I would be typing are so EMO. They could also be so IDEAL, so CRAZY, and so HEART-BREAKING depending on whose point of view you are going to take, but it could also be so NONSENSE and 'walang kapararakan', the way my Ate Angel puts it.

Months ago, I had a 'BOY' problem, only to discover weeks later that it wasn't just that; that it was actually a SELF problem. But yes, it does involve my love life, which is why it's so NONSENSE in my sister's point of view. I don't even know how to start, so I'll just begin by saying that I finally ended my 'M.U.' relationship with ****. If you're on his side, you would probably accuse me of leading him, only to dump him in the end. If you're among my friends, you would probably say that we just didn't understand each other, or that I was asking for too much, or that he doesn't deserve me. We're not celebrities, but the people in our neighborhood have been talking about us for years, even making up stories and drawing their own inferences and interpretations based on what they see or hear; and once they learn about this, they also would surely have something to say.

I had so many doubts and concerns about us but I was also so determined to give us a chance. I was actually looking forward to great things once he gets home, and that meant a meaningful courtship, fun times together, and knowing each other better, hopefully to end up finally as boyfriend-and-girlfriend. I never imagined that I would put an end to my own hopes but I did, after days of reflection, prayers, and lots and lots of reading the Bible, and Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye. My friend Queency, not understanding at first, called me crazy for basing my decisions on a book I just read. But I'm a strong believer of destiny, I always believe that everything happens for a reason, and that the persons I encounter, as well as the books I read, all come my way according to my Lord's plan, to teach me a lesson, and to help me become a better person. "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" presents a biblical approach to love and relationships. It isn't really about who,when, and how to date, but about glorifying God in all our relationships, whether with our families, friends, and in our relationships with the opposite sex. It provided a lot of answers to questions I've been asking for years; but at the same time, it made me realize the selfish things I did wrong, and reading it was like God, rebuking me for all my sins, but also telling me that it's not too late to make things right. And that was what I believe I did when I ended my relationship with him. He is my first love, and if not for all that commitment baloney that 'delineates' being friends from being boyfriend-girlfriend, I could probably say that we were together, or almost together.

We started as childhood sweethearts, when all of a sudden (I was in 5th grade, and he, in 6th) he just had this crush on me. I liked him too, though now I attribute what I felt back then to the concept of 'reciprocal feelings'. I was so young then, without any idea on what to do so we ended up not talking to each other, although I made it clear to him first through letters that I could not return his feelings because I was still young. He said he would wait, though you can't really expect that much from a 13 year-old boy, such that when we went to high school, he had a serious girlfriend and many other not so serious relationships while I became focused on my studies. I can probably say that we stopped 'caring' for each other during those years. We saw each other in church but we rarely talked. I tried to talk to him every now and then, reasoning out that he already has a girlfriend and there's no point in feeling awkward once we've put the past behind us, but it still didn't feel natural. We were almost vague acquaintances until out of the blue, he sent me a text message, and that was the summer before I went to college. I was surprised at first because I had no idea that he and his girlfriend had broken up; nevertheless, I told him for the second time that I could not return his feelings because I was still studying- that was my first mistake. If I had known better, I would've said I could not return his feelings and I wasn't ready for a relationship, without having to specify a time frame with the words "because I was still studying". At a young age, I already had a clear perspective on what my priorities should be, but apparently, my level of maturity still wasn't enough to make me handle those kind of situations well. I was so happy to know that someone took notice of me, I couldn't give him an absolute NO and thank you. Again he said he would wait but that was just it. We saw each other during weekends in church, exchanged messages from time to time, but we still felt awkward talking to each other. There were days when he would pursue me, while there were also days when we wouldn't contact each other. To sum it all up, allow me to say that he was consistently inconsistent. That went on for years, while the people around us assumed that he had been courting me intently, not knowing that we agreed to just be friends, and I wasn't even sure if we were really friends. The only time when we started to become really close was when I also started leading the services in our church. He was the musicians' head, so we communicated regularly regarding the song line-ups, the sequences and arrangements. It was also a tough time for me as a beginner and it was him whom I relied on for objective criticisms, for support, and for a friend who would listen to me while I vent out my feelings. From unsure friends, we became very close friends and for a very long time I considered him as my best friend. In between our conversations, he would always tell me how much he loves me while I would say thank you, not really saying if I did or did not feel the same way. But I didn't really have to say anything because he, and other people saw through my actions, and that was my biggest mistake. I led him and myself to believe that we were just buying time, that we would soon be together once I graduate from college and get a stable job. There came a time when he wasn't contented with thank you's anymore, and he insisted that I tell him whether I love him or not, that he only wants to know. And I was such a DUMMY for believing that I could just tell him that I do love him, and it wouldn't change anything between us. Grabe, until now, I still can't explain to myself how I could have possibly thought of that; that was just so far from the wisdom I ask from God each day. I could blame it on lack of experience, or on my innocence, or on him for assuring me that nothing will change, but it would still boil down to my dumbness, sobrang bobo talaga nun. A lighter explanation would probably be that I got carried away with my feelings. I allowed my feelings to take over my mind and instead of praying first and asking for wisdom, I just gave in. So there, from close friends, we suddenly had a mutual understanding without my family's knowledge. That mistake led to many others, and we started having arguments about our differences in attitudes, in beliefs, and most especially in values. I kept on complaining about his lack of courage and initiative in courting me, and I started setting conditions before we can officially become boyfriend-girlfriend. I was so sure I was doing the right thing, until I read 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' and I was rebuked hardcore. I had been so selfish, leading him and getting involved with him in ways that did not agree with God's ways. All my mistakes were laid out to me straight in the eye and I knew that the only way I could take the guilt from my heart was by ending what we had started as a mistake. We both had our share of mistakes but I can and should only speak for myself. I will never forget and regret that I loved him, and that we had something special I would always treasure and remember. But we did not show our love in the right way, and what we had did not give glory to our God. We rushed things and we let our feelings take over our minds, our beliefs and our convictions. By allowing ourselves to get involved in an intimate relationship before we were truly ready, we ended up hurting each other, ourselves, the people around us, and our God. It was just unfortunate that we did not realize it together. I had to realize it first, which meant that it was I who had to end the relationship.

I knew that after confessing all my sins to God and asking for forgiveness, He has forgiven me and relieved me of all the guilt and burdens haunting me, but I also knew that I still had to face the consequences. I told him about it but he didn't understand what I was trying to say. He was so hurt, and for a moment I wished I could just take it all back and say that it was just a joke. He said I was punishing him for the things he did to me in the past, and that I'm punishing him too much and he didn't deserve it. He told me and his family that he wanted to die, and his family blamed me for it. I felt so helpless, I didn't know what to do and I had no one to talk to until my Ate Angel saw me crying as I was hiding in the room. She jokingly tried to make me tell her what happened and said that my problem is nonsense, or in her words, 'walang kapararakan'. But I knew she was my heaven's sent comforter. She stood by me and advised that I tell my problem to Tita Bel. I also told the situation, and confessed my sins at the same time to our pastor, and it was so nice to hear real words of wisdom and encouragement from people who truly care. I was just hoping to find listening ears in them, but through them, God gave me so much more. They objectively approached the situation and in the end, I found in them the reinforcement that 'I did the right thing' this time. He and I eventually patched things up. We haven't seen and talked about what happened in person but I continue to pray that all wounds would eventually heal in time, including the wounds our mistakes have inflicted on our families.

Weeks past that turning point, I can now say that what happened taught me a lot of things. It's funny how I can be so sure that I am right only to realize later on that I've been wrong all along. But it's funnier to learn that something that feels so wrong could actually be the right and best thing to do, you just have to give it time, and let the plan of God reveal its beauty in the perfect circumstance. With that said, my friends who are wishing that I would find a partner soon, now understand that I would remain NBSB for a considerably longer time. Now, I am enjoying my single blessedness, still comfortable in making friends with a lot of people but cautious in drawing the line between friendship and intimacy. I resolve to not involve myself in any intimate relationship until I'm ready for marriage and to always seek to glorify God in all my relationships, as well as in my thoughts, words and actions. Until then, I would devote my energies to serving God, my family, and God's work. I would also probably learn skills that would come in handy once I fulfill my dream as a homemaker. I now welcome single blessedness with more love even if it would increase my risk for breast cancer; but I still look forward to that special day, when all events and powers in this universe would conspire, to lead me and that ONE PERSON together, to share a God-centered love we could proudly share to the entire world! I am yours Jesus, and whoever may come, my heart, my mind, my life, and my entire being will always belong to you! I love you and unto You be all the glory! meow

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Happy 5th Birthday Kuya Zach!!!!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I Need to Learn Time Management!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

STAND UP to Breast Cancer!

My First Lesson in Love

Friday, October 1, 2010

Sobrang Kiliiiig!!!!