The Discipline of Gratefulness

So it's true...keeping a journal or a personal blog like this is a good idea after all. I find it therapeutic and entertaining to read things I never even imagined I could write (emotions, whether positive or negative really does something to me), and even better, I get to examine myself and reflect on who I've become through my scribbled thoughts.

This evening I came across one of my previous posts entitled As I Wait On You where I wrote about how happy and thankful I was for the promotion I got more than a year ago. It made me remember how happy I really was that I was so determined to record it for future reference. Little did I know that this happy post would make me realize a lot of things more than a year later...

Recently (August 18, 2014), I got promoted once again to Nurse II. I was one of the five who were promoted, and I really experienced God's intervention in the entire process because by human standards alone, my paper was honestly not supposed to be there yet. One of the requirements was 1 year Very Satisfactory performance as Nurse I. I just celebrated my first year on June 1, 2014 whereas the other candidates for promotion have submitted their papers for months (if not years) already. I had second thoughts on submitting my paper actually because I was afraid of what people would say about me, but I was comforted by Maam Gemma, our clerk, who told me that I deserve the promotion for all the work I've been doing. During the panel interview, they asked me once again what I think is the reason why I got promoted faster than the others. I talked about my character as my best asset, but in the end it would just not be sufficient. It was truly only by God's grace that I got to where I am today.

More than the moral advantage of having a higher position, what I really wanted was the extra money that came with the promotion. I need it to keep up with our expenses, and to sustain my graduate school tuition fees..hehe..The promotion was indeed God's answer to my prayers for financial breakthrough, but there was something that hindered me from fully worshipping Him with gratefulness in my heart.

I knew what it was they were, and I've been praying for God's help to be liberated from them. It's collectively termed as FEAR, and it's been staring at me for months now. By God's grace I have not been fully consumed by them, and I'd like to believe that I am winning this battle against them...until I came across my previous entry and I wondered why I did not have that immense joy for an even greater achievement. I used to be secured in the knowledge that greater problems are merely opportunities for God to display His greater grace. As I reflect on it now, I still believe in this truth that has been so evident in my life then and now. So I asked myself, 'What changed then?'  

And then it hit me as I realized, 'I have changed.' I've become older, but not in wisdom but in fear. I've been overwhelmed by responsibilities at work, at home, and sometimes in the ministry which are also my own doing. Having said that, I know there is something I must do that I just still haven't figured out yet. My soul, more than my physical body, longs for rest. I'm still praying for God to reveal to me the steps I have to take to go back to my old self, but while that is not clear to me yet, I'll be practicing on the discipline of gratefulness as my antidote against my unwarranted fears. My fears are part of my melancholic personality but while I cannot do so much about my basic emotional makeup, I can allow the Holy Spirit to change me and help me transform my perspectives intentionally with the decision to be grateful each moment, especially whenever fears strike me.

So Lord, please help me grasp how wide, how long, how high, how deep and how endless is your love for me. Instead of fears and worries, may your love overwhelm me enough for all my worries to just be driven away. I long to be joyful once again. I know it's a decision I make that is not based on my circumstances, but I acknowledge that making that decision has been difficult for me lately and only you can help me. As I seek you, I am confident that I will find you... and you will find me and grant me the peace and rest that can only be found in your presence...

Days from now, I hope to write again even happier and more grateful than I was a year ago. I love you and I put my trust in you. Help me for there is no way I can do this on my own.

For starters, Thank you for I know that your promises are bigger than my fears. Allow me to fully experience them in my life as I claim them, allowing your powerful love to shield me from all the works of the enemy, even those coming from within me.

In you I trust...love,

Katy

RIP Pampols

Papa informed us that Pampols, our dog of many years, died already last September 14, 2014.

Pampols is officially our longest living dog and I have an equal share of fond and irritating memories of him.

He was given to us as a puppy. He peed the first time he came to our house. Unlike other aspins, he is very picky when it comes to food choices. Among all the dogs in our compound, he'll surely be the first one to bark at a newcomer, but he'll also be the first one to run in fear. He doesn't like to be put on leash because he's used to running around freely. When we had to tie him (compound rules), he went on hunger strike.

Pampols has a love-hate relationship with Papa. He is most loyal and he would consistently follow Papa around. Papa even said the weirdest thing one time- that Mama's spirit somehow lives in Pampols..haha..it isn't an appropriate description but it says so much about Pampol's loyalty. He does the same to us and I remember we were on our way to the market and he was following us then. He cried when I was instructing him to go back and it was only when I allowed him by saying 'Sige na, sige na' that he stopped crying.

I've always said that Alfie totally changed my relationship with dogs; but it was because of Pampols that I started to like them. I've had the pain and pleasure of bathing him and it was also with Pampols that I made my first attempt on administering meds to a dog via injection. It's because of that experience with him that I am somehow confident to administer Alfie his injections once a month.

Pampols is also one of the sweetest dogs I know. He does not belong to the naturally 'malambing' breed but he would always go to us and jump to us when he would see us. Also, unlike other aspins, he's a very picky eater. He has black and brown hair but he wouldn't eat any black-colored food such as those with squid ink. He has many other idiosyncrasies that make him the dog we loved and he will always have a place in our hearts.

Thank you Pampols for teaching us how to care for another living being and how to be good masters. We will always remember you...I can almost imagine how difficult it was for you during your final days but I am better now, knowing that you are in a much better place.

I wonder if souls of animals go to heaven too. If yes, I look forward to seeing you welcome us many many years from now I hope. Again, thank you Pampols!

Issues of a Melancholic

Hello once again...

...and yes, I intentionally skipped the exclamation point to realistically portray in writing how I'm feeling right now.

I just got home from church practice for tomorrow's Sunday worship (Fairview Christian Fellowship reprezzent!) and Craig, our bassist, probably noticed how horrible I looked..hehe..that he had to ask me if I was sick..well truthfully I am tired and my body's been begging for more sleep but since I've decided to go back to school, I've somehow given up my right for precious bum/sleep time. But I'm not complaining:) I'm haggard but smiling, grateful for God's healing, for not allowing me to get seriously sick, for preserving my singing voice (naks), and for the opportunity to worship Him and serve Him.

I don't exactly know what moved me to write and where this post is heading, but this afternoon I started a devotional by John Piper. It will go on for 15 days and I am very positive that God will be teaching me a lot of things through His Word. This afternoon as I meditated on Jn 17:24, I was humbled and moved to repentance for the many recent times that I have not displayed God's glory. I am currently struggling with managing my resources but God has been faithful. I actually got promoted recently and this is indeed a reason to rejoice. However, my fears have been getting the better of me as it will still take some time before I can fully pay all the responsibilities I've put on hold. On top of that, I still have my tuition fee for the next semester to worry about..haay

But as I write them here now, Lord I pray that you would free me of all these fears, reminding me to just trust in You, who is infallible in His promises, and who has never failed me. You also know Lord how much I enjoy giving. So I pray that you would allow me to give generously without worrying about tomorrow. But in all these things I also thank you, for letting me grow in your love, teaching me to give as you have commanded, whether in wealth or in want. In this aspect I know I'm becoming a better servant, but I still have a long way to go in the fully-trusting-never-worrying aspect so please help me more on that.

Aaaand I just realized, is that what you have actually been teaching me in all these challenges? I'm usually a bright student but forgive me and please be patient with me if I've not been a fast learner. With that realization, I'll put more effort in training my mind from now on.

So I guess that's it...Thank you Lord for always listening! I love you to bits!

Your sometimes slow but
always striving servant,

Katy