I have many things to be grateful for...I'm done with my first semester at graduate school and I think I did pretty well, I got my prize for winning Ms. Nursing 1st runner up, and I got the other half of my 13th month pay last Friday...yet after just one call from Papa regarding my enrollment for the second semester, suddenly it became very difficult for me to keep smiling...
You see, for some reason even though my pay increased when I got promoted in September, I've been finding it difficult to save for my insurance investment and for my tuition. So I asked Papa for help, if he could pay for a big portion of my tuition so I could start saving again and pay for my expenses without having to worry too much especially since Christmas is coming and I really desire to give gifts of thanksgiving and bless people. I was so expectant that Papa would be in it with me but when he called this afternoon and brought up the matter, he said he was going to give a lot less than expected, followed by
"Mag-ipon ka naman sa suweldo mo anak."...huhu...so the next thing I did was to make excuses to finish the call because I might just burst into tears in front of my friends....:(
I was sad for two (2) things - first, because I wouldn't know where to get my tuition fee, and the second (which was the reason why I was teary-eyed at the FX on the ride home) was this big tiring struggle with my resources. I do not want to go abroad at the moment because I feel that my presence is more important than the money I'd be bringing in, but this battle with having enough plus a little allowance for happy things every now and then (especially during Christmas) has been difficult. And being accused of not saving (which though not directly stated, means that I've been spending all my money on less important, if not worthless things) only made it worse, not because I'm guilty but because I know in my heart how much of myself I've been giving for this family. I never demanded for appreciation because whatever I'm doing or giving, I'm giving because I love them and we all have our individual acts of generosity in the family; but I also just can't stand to be judged as the total opposite. But that is how it all appears to Papa, that I've been spending my money on myself that I have to ask more...he didn't see that I've been spending my money for family that I have little left for myself...then the demons I've been fighting off started coming back in the form of questions and judgments...Why I gave up on my dream of becoming a doctor? because we didn't have the money, or more because I didn't have Papa's support...because he's not used to paying for my studies...because I've never been assertive with my needs and desires, or because he just wasn't as eager to support me like he supported Ate...because he loved me less...and many other things that made me wallow in self-pity for a moment...
Yes...for a moment...
Just for a moment...:) Because this is not the first time I had this fix. I've had many of these moments in the past and as I sat there at the FX, with all these thoughts in my head, the desire to fight it was there, as well as surrender, knowing that I could not overcome those feelings on my own. And when I asked God for help, He came through for me, and I started singing Kari Jobe's Always Enough in my head, repeating the chorus over and over again until I found peace and fell asleep..
(napagod magpigil ng iyak..hehe)
And when I woke up, the sadness was still there but the conviction to make it go away was stronger. So after walking Alfie, I spent the next two hours redoing our Christmas decoration, and when I was ready, I went up and cried out to God in prayer. I said sorry for thinking and feeling that way, then I verbalized what happened to Micah.
Right now as I type this, I'm feeling better, no longer with the urge to cry, but fervently praying for God to direct me how best I should approach the situation. Thank you Lord for the peace and for your promises I can always hold on to. I still do not know what would happen on the day of the enrollment but I entrust everything to You, who have always made everything fall into place in your perfect time.
I love you:)
On a lighter note, here are two different pictures of the Christmas tree I set up. I was only testing different settings but when I saw the pictures, I felt that they somehow spoke of how I felt..from dark to light..even amidst the dark..hehe..good night!
P.S. Thank you Lord for Maam Carie who brought me to Q-Mart to snag the best Christmas decor deals!
