Forgiveness and Gratitude

Here I am wanting to preserve a few thoughts before I go to sleep...

I just finished Youversion's devotional plan by Joyce Meyer entitled The Power of Being Thankful, and indeed, I am very grateful for the nuggets of wisdom God has revealed to me once again through His Word.

The devotional reading on healing brokenness through gratitude struck me most especially, because it is very far from the standards of this world we live in. Carol, my officemate and friend, said that she is afraid for me and my future because she thinks I have the makings of a martyr based on how I approach situations, and how I react to those who have wronged me. She tells me that it's easy to forgive but not to forget. But I believe that they go hand in hand...because true forgiveness is not given only when the pain is gone..it involves the daily act of making the decision to give up one's entitlement to hurt back a person no matter how deserving he or she may be..

And it's definitely far from easy especially for a melancholic like me who is gifted with a good memory..hehe..One word I would use to accurately describe myself is 'mapagtanim' because my brain effortlessly stores memories of broken promises.

I've actually just been learning through practice the art of 'deliberate forgetting'- because I don't really forget, but each time I remember, I surrender my hurts to God and just allow Him to heal me with just the right antidote- a heart that chooses to praise and thank Him for what is left, over what has been taken away; with full trust and confidence in God, my healer, that He'd turn my mourning into dancing and my sorrows into joy. Carol would throw situations in marriage at me and would ask me how I would respond to test how far I can go. She was most fearful when I answered that where there is room for separation, there is room for forgiveness (I read this somewhere..hehe). Then I tell her, I really wouldn't know how I would respond until I get there..and I pray that I won't have to get there so I'm taking my time, praying for and discerning God's chosen partner for me. But in approaching all my relationships, I really pray that I would have the courage and the strength to forgive myself and others because let's accept it, no matter how much we try to be careful, we still fail.

But God is good and faithful, He provided us with the best role model- Himself. He never tires of forgiving us despite our repeated mistakes. So whenever I find it hard to forgive, I remember the Father's sacrifice when He sent His only son Jesus to die on the cross so that I may be justified from all my past, present, and future sins. And just thinking about it never fails to bring me to tears of immense gratitude, and helps me find the courage to do the same...

Good night!

I had an amazing highlight moment today when...
as I was receiving documents from Maricar, a ward clerk in the hospital, out of the blue she asked me, "Christian ka ba?" And with my biggest smile I answered yes, which she further affirmed by saying, "Matagal ko nang napansin"...so in front of her I praised and offered God the glory for letting His light shine through me! Maricar is also a Christian by the way and she's one of our most responsible and reliable clerks...I dared not to ask what was it she saw in me but I'm just so grateful that even without having to put the Christian label on my clothes or my forehead, some people notice...yay! Thank you Lord and unto You be all the glory as I work harder to make you famous with all that I am and have! I love you!

"As a worship leader, I am called to sing songs of truth over people, even when my own life looks dark and gloomy. Even when and maybe most importantly when I need that same truth sung over me."

- From Oxygen, Lincoln Brewster devotion at YouVersion Bible

Had to post this as this is just so true for me...so blessed to have been called by God as a worship leader...it did not make worshipping through trials easier, but it certainly made it more instinctive until it just became my go to calmer for difficult times..thank you Lord!

Always Enough

I have many things to be grateful for...I'm done with my first semester at graduate school and I think I did pretty well, I got my prize for winning Ms. Nursing 1st runner up, and I got the other half of my 13th month pay last Friday...yet after just one call from Papa regarding my enrollment for the second semester, suddenly it became very difficult for me to keep smiling...

You see, for some reason even though my pay increased when I got promoted in September, I've been finding it difficult to save for my insurance investment and for my tuition. So I asked Papa for help, if he could pay for a big portion of my tuition so I could start saving again and pay for my expenses without having to worry too much especially since Christmas is coming and I really desire to give gifts of thanksgiving and bless people. I was so expectant that Papa would be in it with me but when he called this afternoon and brought up the matter, he said he was going to give a lot less than expected, followed by "Mag-ipon ka naman sa suweldo mo anak."...huhu...so the next thing I did was to make excuses to finish the call because I might just burst into tears in front of my friends....:(

I was sad for two (2) things - first, because I wouldn't know where to get my tuition fee, and the second (which was the reason why I was teary-eyed at the FX on the ride home) was this big tiring struggle with my resources. I do not want to go abroad at the moment because I feel that my presence is more important than the money I'd be bringing in, but this battle with having enough plus a little allowance for happy things every now and then (especially during Christmas) has been difficult. And being accused of not saving (which though not directly stated, means that I've been spending all my money on less important, if not worthless things) only made it worse, not because I'm guilty but because I know in my heart how much of myself I've been giving for this family. I never demanded for appreciation because whatever I'm doing or giving, I'm giving because I love them and we all have our individual acts of generosity in the family; but I also just can't stand to be judged as the total opposite. But that is how it all appears to Papa, that I've been spending my money on myself that I have to ask more...he didn't see that I've been spending my money for family that I have little left for myself...then the demons I've been fighting off started coming back in the form of questions and judgments...Why I gave up on my dream of becoming a doctor? because we didn't have the money, or more because I didn't have Papa's support...because he's not used to paying for my studies...because I've never been assertive with my needs and desires, or because he just wasn't as eager to support me like he supported Ate...because he loved me less...and many other things that made me wallow in self-pity for a moment...

Yes...for a moment...

Just for a moment...:) Because this is not the first time I had this fix. I've had many of these moments in the past and as I sat there at the FX, with all these thoughts in my head, the desire to fight it was there, as well as surrender, knowing that I could not overcome those feelings on my own. And when I asked God for help, He came through for me, and I started singing Kari Jobe's Always Enough in my head, repeating the chorus over and over again until I found peace and fell asleep..(napagod magpigil ng iyak..hehe)

And when I woke up, the sadness was still there but the conviction to make it go away was stronger. So after walking Alfie, I spent the next two hours redoing our Christmas decoration, and when I was ready, I went up and cried out to God in prayer. I said sorry for thinking and feeling that way, then I verbalized what happened to Micah.

Right now as I type this, I'm feeling better, no longer with the urge to cry, but fervently praying for God to direct me how best I should approach the situation. Thank you Lord for the peace and for your promises I can always hold on to. I still do not know what would happen on the day of the enrollment but I entrust everything to You, who have always made everything fall into place in your perfect time.

I love you:)

On a lighter note, here are two different pictures of the Christmas tree I set up. I was only testing different settings but when I saw the pictures, I felt that they somehow spoke of how I felt..from dark to light..even amidst the dark..hehe..good night!

P.S. Thank you Lord for Maam Carie who brought me to Q-Mart to snag the best Christmas decor deals!

Beauty Queen for a Day

And it's a wrap!

After a month of doll-ups, practices, preparations, and first-times, we're finally done with the most dreaded awaited event of the Nursing Department Month Celebration...the Mr. and Ms. Nursing 2014! And the surprise of the century is......I emerged victorious as Ms. Nursing 1st Runner Up!..hahaha

That makes October 24 as my official Beauty Queen Day...wahaha...I never thought this possible in my entiiiiiire life. When I was forced chosen to represent the Nursing Services Office, my thoughts were..."I thought I would pass through life without this kind of experience"...hehe..not that I consider it as a waste of time because it's actually the other way around- I consider myself unworthy and it was definitely a BIG Challenge for me to even try to fit into the shoes of a pageant contestant, least of all a beauty queen, no matter how puchu puchu the pageant may be..haha..But thank you Lord for pulling me through! My prayer then was to let His light and glory shine through me and I hope I was able to do just that as I gave it my best shot. To calm my nerves I kept on singing Like an Incense/Sometimes By Step (Hillsong) in my head, especially the following lines

I will seek you in the morning,

And I will learn to walk in Your ways

And step by step You'll lead me

And I will follow you all of my days

...I found it very fitting because the 'walking' really was most difficult for me..haha

I already posted my thank you speech in Facebook because even though it's not comfortable for me to do so, I felt that I owe it to all the people who helped me, supported me, and made my beauty queen stint possible. 

So before I store all that day's memories deep in the grave, here are snapshots of my ONCE-in-a-lifetime-experience. To God be the glory!

P.S. I'm currently nursing a long-overdue cold. Thank you Lord for postponing it and for enabling me still to sing my heart out this morning as we celebrated Fairview Christian Fellowship's 33rd Anniversary! Thank you for your faithfulness and immense goodness that never falters and waivers! We are excited to be used by you in expanding your kingdom and bringing the church to greater heights!

I also praise You for postponing our Research Colloquium at graduate school supposedly scheduled last Oct. 25...that was personally the best prize and best miracle of all!:) Now I'm very excited for All Saint's Day vacation,  notwithstanding that it shall be a very short one...but thank you for opportunities to rest and be with family! I love you Lord!

Now..back to the snapshots..

The Queen and the Top 5 Candidates

With my partner-in-crime, Jed (I hope I don't look like an Ate here..haha)

On another angle

Solo

closer...

With my Boss, Challenger, Trainor, Motivator - Dr. Nerissa Gerial:)

The Painter/Magician and the Canvass

With PJ...thank you so much for the crash course on rampage!

With Maam Eifel- our choreographer, motivator because we so lacked motivation..haha

My favorite part- my hair..haha

WWJD?!

Our church, Fairview Christian Fellowship, is currently on a sermon series on the book of Ephesians entitled, "WHY CHURCH? The Calling of the Church and Its Conduct in the World."

This morning's message on Ephesians 5:1-6 was delivered through Doc Lem Marasigan entitled "Walking in Love." If there's one thing about being a Christian that I cherish the most, it is the wonder of being loved by a great God unconditionally and wholeheartedly, despite my sins and iniquities that make me so undeserving of His love. Just the thought of it never fails to touch my heart and bring me to tears, and it is this realization that I will probably never grasp why, that makes me want to love God back all the days of my life. My purpose in life- to be a good and faithful servant, is based on this love. And another thing that's based on this love is this blog (*hence the title)...hehe

It is a difficult feat, because to love him is not just to say it or feel it, but to show it by walking in love-which is to imitate Him who is LOVE. Doc Lem gave different meanings to the typical WWJD or What Would Jesus Do and I'm writing it here to remind myself to always ask these questions, or take these actions as I do my best to walk in love for His glory.

WWJD?
- What Would Jesus Decide?
- What Would Jesus Desire?
- What Would Jesus Demand of me?
- Where Would Jesus Devote His Resources?
- Who Would Jesus want me to Disciple?

Our Response: WWJD!
- Wake up With Jesus Daily!
- Worship With Jesus Daily!
- meditate on God's Word With Jesus Daily!
- Watch and pray With Jesus Daily!
- Write With Jesus Daily! (journal)
- Walk With Jesus Daily!
- Walk the Way Jesus Did!
- Work/study With Jesus Daily!
- Wait With Jesus Diligently!
- Withdraw With Jesus Deliberately! (retreat...I hope to execute my plans for this during the semestral break:)
- War With Jesus Daily! (against the world, Satan, and self)

This also fits my current reflection on John 21:15-17 where Jesus asked Peter three (3) times, "Do you love me?" I saw it as Jesus, vindicating Peter from his sin and guilt when he denied Him (Jesus) three times in the past when He was being persecuted. But on Peter's part, I think it was Jesus' way of making Peter realize how deeply He loved Jesus, and how he has been transformed from a follower, to a true lover of Jesus. Jesus further showed us the model by which we can show Him our love- by being true and faithful in fulfilling His Great Commission.

I think it is important to take note and to always remember however, that loving God is always the first and main priority, and our ministry and service is our way of showing our love to Him. Our service should never interfere with our communion and loving relationship with God, and this is what I try to carefully avoid as I walk with Him.

Thank you Father for your extreme, overflowing, and amazing love that saved me from all my sins and gave me purpose and eternal hope for what is to come. Thank you for allowing me to grasp and experience this unfathomable love that now gives life and meaning to my existence here in this world. To live a life worthy of your calling is difficult, but each time I remember your LOVE displayed in all its limitless glory when you gave your only Son Jesus to die for the salvation of mankind, I am moved to keep on trying, not by my own might but by the power of your Holy Spirit who lives in me; never in an attempt to match your love, but always as a humble offering of my thanksgiving and love for you...naiiyak na naman ako..haha..

I love you with all I am! Thank you for the privilege of knowing and experiencing this wonderful kind of love that can only come from You!:) May you continue to transform me each day, that I may more and more be a living testimony of your love to others...

Much Looooove,

Katy

What Do You Want the Lord to Do For You

I am currently on Youversion Bible's My Utmost for His Highest Devotional Plan and this just hit the mark so I wanted to share it here so I could go back to it whenever the worrier in me defeats my true identity..

What Do You Want The Lord To Do For You?

Is there something in your life that not only disturbs you, but makes you a disturbance to others? If so, it is always something you cannot handle yourself. “Then those who went before warned him that he should be quiet; but he cried out all the more . . .” (Luke 18:39). Be persistent with your disturbance until you get face to face with the Lord Himself. Don’t deify common sense. To sit calmly by, instead of creating a disturbance, serves only to deify our common sense. When Jesus asks what we want Him to do for us about the incredible problem that is confronting us, remember that He doesn’t work in commonsense ways, but only in supernatural ways.

Look at how we limit the Lord by only remembering what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past. We say, “I always failed there, and I always will. ”Consequently, we don’t ask for what we want. Instead, we think, “It is ridiculous to ask God to do this.” If it is an impossibility, it is the very thing for which we have to ask. If it is not an impossible thing, it is not a real disturbance. And God will do what is absolutely impossible.

This man received his sight. But the most impossible thing for you is to be so closely identified with the Lord that there is literally nothing of your old life remaining. God will do it if you will ask Him. But you have to come to the point of believing Him to be almighty. We find faith by not only believing what Jesus says, but, even more, by trusting Jesus Himself. If we only look at what He says, we will never believe. Once we see Jesus, the impossible things He does in our lives become as natural as breathing. The agony we suffer is only the result of the deliberate shallowness of our own heart. We won’t believe; we won’t let go by severing the line that secures the boat to the shore—we prefer to worry.

I praise You that all I am is Yours. Oh, that I could delight You as the lily does, or the tree, or even the sparrows, just living the life You have granted!

From YouVersion Bible

Ms. Nursing

October is my new ghost month this year. The past days have truly been very FULL and stressful for me and at this point I have a lot of things running in my mind, I can hardly decide which one should I do first. Having said that, the next question I've been asking myself is, why do I still have time to write? Well this day's stressors have been too much for me to bear and this is one of the few moments that I apply the writing for sanity philosophy.

It is Nursing Department Month Celebration in our institution and aside from the usual Exhibit-CQI-Research responsibilities that make my October full, it became even fuller with my participation in the Mr. & Ms. Nursing. I was chosen forced, arm twisted to join the said pageant and represent our section. It was something I've been dreading since my transfer to the office and my fears were given life this year.

One might say that I am overreacting but here are some interesting facts about me: (1) I've never joined a pageant before; (2) I'm not the typical chick- my innate kaartehan only translates to the way I talk sometimes but judging by society's standards, I appear more as 'astig' rather than feminine; (3) I was a lola trapped in a little girl's body and now, I'm still a lola trapped in a 25-year old's body; I enjoy watching beauty pageants but I never saw myself joining one, even a puchu-puchu one, because I'm not so much into appearing beautiful and sexy then and now; (4) I hardly know how to apply decent makeup and my only makeup stash include blush-on, eyeliner, BB cream, and foundation- most of which I won from a blog giveaway; (5) I do not invest in my personal appearance that much; (6) I have poor posture (kyphotic); (7) and it really isn't just my comfort zone- I've only joined quiz bees and essay writing contests in the past...you get the point...I'm a nerd without the glasses.

I particularly do not like being in the limelight because of my appearance, lest be judged for the way I dress, walk and present myself. And that's what happened this afternoon during the Pre-pageant where all the candidates had to present their talents with their partners.

It was an entirely novel experience for me; one I would never forget, hopefully for all good reasons until the pageant on the 24th. To win would be a miracle only God can do but I'm still gonna do my best because I want to glorify God even with this experience, no matter how reluctant I am. I feel that I am being taught to obey, and true enough, I've already had a lot of lessons learned in the process.

I've been putting some effort to look good these days for the sake of the events but I hope to still be motivated to make myself presentable even after the pageant...especially now that I've learned how to apply makeup on my eyebrows..haha..I've also been training to answer compliments with a gracious 'Thank You!', instead of my usual bungisngis and denial.

I still receive negative comments about my posture and some physical features which I can no longer improve at the moment, but I know they were given out of concern. I take their points to mind but if I would not be able to do it the way they would want me to during the actual pageant, I'm sorry... but at the same time I promise that to the best of my memory and my ability, I would conquer my habits and give up my comfortable-I-don't-care-much-about-how-I-look demeanor for a day.

It won't be effective if I would do it for myself because I hate competitions in general, but I am motivated to do it for my NSO family and my relatives, if only to show that I value the support they've been giving me. An unfortunate incident happened as Carol was curling my hair this afternoon but I intend to shoulder all the expenses associated with the repair, because while it was lack of judgment on her part, it would not have happened if she had not been assisting me with the preparations. Lord I pray that you would provide me the resources to shoulder everything, and may you also bless Carol for all the voluntary help she has been giving me.

I am already counting the days until the end of the pageant. I still do not have a makeup artist but I am confident that everything will be ok. Knowing that God placed me here for a reason, I am certain that He will grant me the grace to fulfill my mission excellently and responsibly.

There, I'm feeling better now. Thank you Lord for saving me during the talent presentation awhile ago! You gave me more than I asked for and I hope I made you smile as I gave it my best shot:) Maam says it's still lacking in many parts but knowing that I did my best, Micah may be right...baka hindi na ako yun.  

Next week will be our last hurrah and I'm more than excited for October to end! But until then, and always...I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! (Phil 4:13)

P.S. Here's my makeup transformation for the day (dolled up on the left and freshness on the right, immediately after washing my face)...I don't have pictures of the event so here's the only one I got at home:)

Insights and Miracles

I would've just marveled at how amazing are God's miracles in my life today (everyday actually) but I've got some insights I would like to be reminded of in the future so here I go...

I downloaded a lot of files at work today and after one particular download, just as when my day at the office was about to end, my antivirus software alerted that it caught a virus. It further recommended that I restart my laptop to completely eliminate the virus. So I did...and after the restart it prompted me to choose from a list of actions and I chose 'Fix Errors'. My laptop took its time until it just died on me...(so much for fixing errors..huhu)

Thinking it was a case of low battery, I charged it then turned it on again except that this time, the system won't start up. I got lights on my keyboard but nothing on my screen. To troubleshoot, I tried to force shutdown then restarted it again but to no avail. I was beginning to get worried because I'm currently doing a lot of things in my laptop and losing the files or be delayed at the very least would cause me serious problems. Thank God for wisdom that made me think of consulting our tech staff about the problem.

He immediately agreed to check my laptop afterwhich he asked me what happened. His explanation as to why my laptop crashed matched with the final things I encountered before the unfortunate incident so I was already asking him about our options.

He had just told me that we must first attempt to back up all the files when he suddenly thought of removing the battery and only rely on the power supply through the charger...when voila, my OS resurrected from what seemed to be a few minutes of cardiac arrest...hehe

He told me my battery must have been empty but I charged it so it was not a possibility. True enough when he reinstalled the battery, my laptop said it had 20% battery life. So I immediately told Sir Franz that it was actually God helping me because He knows that I have to do a lot of things with my laptop. So praise God for the miracle!

Now on to my insights, the miracle within me was that I didn't worry too much. Even when the tech said that we have to reformat my laptop, I immediately asked about how long would it take and if he'd be willing to do it. I was praying for a miracle, but I was also sure that if God would allow some problems with my laptop, He would also help me find the perfect solutions for them. Hooray for faith exercises!

So I say thank you Lord for always saving me..and for increasing my faith little by little, enabling me to show grace under pressure in usually anxiety-stimulating situations..hehe..I'm sorry if I haven't gotten to having full security in You in all things yet, but please be patient with me as I allow myself to be transformed by your amazing power. May I be sensitive to your miracles each day that I would develop my gratefulness and faith in you, our one true God, more and more.

Love you!

, Katy

The Discipline of Gratefulness

So it's true...keeping a journal or a personal blog like this is a good idea after all. I find it therapeutic and entertaining to read things I never even imagined I could write (emotions, whether positive or negative really does something to me), and even better, I get to examine myself and reflect on who I've become through my scribbled thoughts.

This evening I came across one of my previous posts entitled As I Wait On You where I wrote about how happy and thankful I was for the promotion I got more than a year ago. It made me remember how happy I really was that I was so determined to record it for future reference. Little did I know that this happy post would make me realize a lot of things more than a year later...

Recently (August 18, 2014), I got promoted once again to Nurse II. I was one of the five who were promoted, and I really experienced God's intervention in the entire process because by human standards alone, my paper was honestly not supposed to be there yet. One of the requirements was 1 year Very Satisfactory performance as Nurse I. I just celebrated my first year on June 1, 2014 whereas the other candidates for promotion have submitted their papers for months (if not years) already. I had second thoughts on submitting my paper actually because I was afraid of what people would say about me, but I was comforted by Maam Gemma, our clerk, who told me that I deserve the promotion for all the work I've been doing. During the panel interview, they asked me once again what I think is the reason why I got promoted faster than the others. I talked about my character as my best asset, but in the end it would just not be sufficient. It was truly only by God's grace that I got to where I am today.

More than the moral advantage of having a higher position, what I really wanted was the extra money that came with the promotion. I need it to keep up with our expenses, and to sustain my graduate school tuition fees..hehe..The promotion was indeed God's answer to my prayers for financial breakthrough, but there was something that hindered me from fully worshipping Him with gratefulness in my heart.

I knew what it was they were, and I've been praying for God's help to be liberated from them. It's collectively termed as FEAR, and it's been staring at me for months now. By God's grace I have not been fully consumed by them, and I'd like to believe that I am winning this battle against them...until I came across my previous entry and I wondered why I did not have that immense joy for an even greater achievement. I used to be secured in the knowledge that greater problems are merely opportunities for God to display His greater grace. As I reflect on it now, I still believe in this truth that has been so evident in my life then and now. So I asked myself, 'What changed then?'  

And then it hit me as I realized, 'I have changed.' I've become older, but not in wisdom but in fear. I've been overwhelmed by responsibilities at work, at home, and sometimes in the ministry which are also my own doing. Having said that, I know there is something I must do that I just still haven't figured out yet. My soul, more than my physical body, longs for rest. I'm still praying for God to reveal to me the steps I have to take to go back to my old self, but while that is not clear to me yet, I'll be practicing on the discipline of gratefulness as my antidote against my unwarranted fears. My fears are part of my melancholic personality but while I cannot do so much about my basic emotional makeup, I can allow the Holy Spirit to change me and help me transform my perspectives intentionally with the decision to be grateful each moment, especially whenever fears strike me.

So Lord, please help me grasp how wide, how long, how high, how deep and how endless is your love for me. Instead of fears and worries, may your love overwhelm me enough for all my worries to just be driven away. I long to be joyful once again. I know it's a decision I make that is not based on my circumstances, but I acknowledge that making that decision has been difficult for me lately and only you can help me. As I seek you, I am confident that I will find you... and you will find me and grant me the peace and rest that can only be found in your presence...

Days from now, I hope to write again even happier and more grateful than I was a year ago. I love you and I put my trust in you. Help me for there is no way I can do this on my own.

For starters, Thank you for I know that your promises are bigger than my fears. Allow me to fully experience them in my life as I claim them, allowing your powerful love to shield me from all the works of the enemy, even those coming from within me.

In you I trust...love,

Katy

RIP Pampols

Papa informed us that Pampols, our dog of many years, died already last September 14, 2014.

Pampols is officially our longest living dog and I have an equal share of fond and irritating memories of him.

He was given to us as a puppy. He peed the first time he came to our house. Unlike other aspins, he is very picky when it comes to food choices. Among all the dogs in our compound, he'll surely be the first one to bark at a newcomer, but he'll also be the first one to run in fear. He doesn't like to be put on leash because he's used to running around freely. When we had to tie him (compound rules), he went on hunger strike.

Pampols has a love-hate relationship with Papa. He is most loyal and he would consistently follow Papa around. Papa even said the weirdest thing one time- that Mama's spirit somehow lives in Pampols..haha..it isn't an appropriate description but it says so much about Pampol's loyalty. He does the same to us and I remember we were on our way to the market and he was following us then. He cried when I was instructing him to go back and it was only when I allowed him by saying 'Sige na, sige na' that he stopped crying.

I've always said that Alfie totally changed my relationship with dogs; but it was because of Pampols that I started to like them. I've had the pain and pleasure of bathing him and it was also with Pampols that I made my first attempt on administering meds to a dog via injection. It's because of that experience with him that I am somehow confident to administer Alfie his injections once a month.

Pampols is also one of the sweetest dogs I know. He does not belong to the naturally 'malambing' breed but he would always go to us and jump to us when he would see us. Also, unlike other aspins, he's a very picky eater. He has black and brown hair but he wouldn't eat any black-colored food such as those with squid ink. He has many other idiosyncrasies that make him the dog we loved and he will always have a place in our hearts.

Thank you Pampols for teaching us how to care for another living being and how to be good masters. We will always remember you...I can almost imagine how difficult it was for you during your final days but I am better now, knowing that you are in a much better place.

I wonder if souls of animals go to heaven too. If yes, I look forward to seeing you welcome us many many years from now I hope. Again, thank you Pampols!

Issues of a Melancholic

Hello once again...

...and yes, I intentionally skipped the exclamation point to realistically portray in writing how I'm feeling right now.

I just got home from church practice for tomorrow's Sunday worship (Fairview Christian Fellowship reprezzent!) and Craig, our bassist, probably noticed how horrible I looked..hehe..that he had to ask me if I was sick..well truthfully I am tired and my body's been begging for more sleep but since I've decided to go back to school, I've somehow given up my right for precious bum/sleep time. But I'm not complaining:) I'm haggard but smiling, grateful for God's healing, for not allowing me to get seriously sick, for preserving my singing voice (naks), and for the opportunity to worship Him and serve Him.

I don't exactly know what moved me to write and where this post is heading, but this afternoon I started a devotional by John Piper. It will go on for 15 days and I am very positive that God will be teaching me a lot of things through His Word. This afternoon as I meditated on Jn 17:24, I was humbled and moved to repentance for the many recent times that I have not displayed God's glory. I am currently struggling with managing my resources but God has been faithful. I actually got promoted recently and this is indeed a reason to rejoice. However, my fears have been getting the better of me as it will still take some time before I can fully pay all the responsibilities I've put on hold. On top of that, I still have my tuition fee for the next semester to worry about..haay

But as I write them here now, Lord I pray that you would free me of all these fears, reminding me to just trust in You, who is infallible in His promises, and who has never failed me. You also know Lord how much I enjoy giving. So I pray that you would allow me to give generously without worrying about tomorrow. But in all these things I also thank you, for letting me grow in your love, teaching me to give as you have commanded, whether in wealth or in want. In this aspect I know I'm becoming a better servant, but I still have a long way to go in the fully-trusting-never-worrying aspect so please help me more on that.

Aaaand I just realized, is that what you have actually been teaching me in all these challenges? I'm usually a bright student but forgive me and please be patient with me if I've not been a fast learner. With that realization, I'll put more effort in training my mind from now on.

So I guess that's it...Thank you Lord for always listening! I love you to bits!

Your sometimes slow but
always striving servant,

Katy

Sister Love

My phone's memory is full so instead of deleting these pictures, I thought of uploading them here (as this is more secure than Facebook, which fits our introvert personalities better..haha)

Thank you Lord for the gift of family!

First photo I took with my phone!- dinner at North Park

In one of monthly grocery escapades- medyo favorite ni Ate yung ganung pose..haha

At Shakey's!

Jollibee naman..haha

Shakey's again

Posing in front the resthouse at Conleaf..kunwari bahay namin:)

When Micah and I had 'the haircut'..never again..

with Tita Beth at the cemetery

Ate Angel with our dog Pampols

Young and Old at 25 :)

Loooooong time no see! I've been meaning to get my hands typing again for quite sometime now but it's only now that I got to carry out my plan. In the past months, there were a lot of events I would have wanted to blog about, but time and priorities just won't permit me. So praise God for this opportunity to be able to 'write' again. I had to use ' ' to differentiate it from the formal and more technical writing I do almost everyday...hehe. This one's the less pressured, more personal form of writing that I miss doing :)

So after that long break, allow me to give updates first...
- We're doing great in our new house and I praise God everyday for this wonderful blessing of a home we can call our own. I've had the privilege of letting a friend stay for the night, which meant going beyond our comfort zone, being the introverts that we are. But when we were asking for this house, we prayed that God would grant us the opportunity to welcome people and lead them closer to Him so this is our way of giving back, knowing that we have been blessed to be a blessing :)
- We have just been emancipated from a financial crisis..haha..it really wasn't a crisis by others' standards but acquiring the house depleted our savings so when Ate's salary was delayed for more than a month, it was very difficult for us to manage our income. But thank you Lord for coming through for us and for being our great provider, helping us and leading us to the right people. It taught us a lot of things, and I believe, also strengthened our relationship as siblings (with the frequent family meetings and unceasing prayers..hehe). I hope we came out of it as better stewards of the resources You have given us.
- I'm back to school as a Thomasian...yehey! That's my superego cheering my ego and my id..hehe..but seriously, graduate school is no joke. It's not that difficult in itself, but it's different when I have to juggle it with work. PROOF: Sleeping in the public utility vehicle (jeep/bus/fx) is starting to become normal for me and I'm frequently in danger of going past my destination, which already happened more than twice. It's also a novel yet challenging experience to put oneself to school and pay for everything..haha. It made me appreciate how fortunate I was then when I did not have to be concerned with my tuition fee or allowance because my angels (Ate Via, Ate May, and Ate Jane) took care of everything. People at the office have high expectations- that I would also graduate with Latin honors. But I don't want to mind them because I only end up irritated (I am beginning to feel irritated so I'll end it there). But I'll do my best and really study well to make the most out of the experience, and ultimately, to bring glory to my Father in heaven.
- We have a new member in the cell group- Nona! And I praise God for her and for the opportunity to minister to her and learn from her as we journey together in the Lord. I also praise God for our new Senior Pastor and Youth Pastor and I'm just excited to see and be part of God's work through Fairview Christian Fellowship. The chances that I have readers are slim, but if you (yes you!) happen to come across this post and you are a resident of Fairview, Quezon City or knows someone around the area, consider this as my invitation for you, your family and friends to attend our Church and know more of God's saving love and grace with us :)

This post would be too long to contain all my updates so now I'll proceed to the ultimate update and reason behind this post. As my title would hint, I turned 25 last August 5th! It was an ordinary day turned special with all the warm greetings and gifts I received from people at the office, friends, loved ones, and acquaintances across the globe. I'm currently at that point when I feel both young and old and I'm happy to be both- young and energetic to be able to do a lot of things, and older and a bit wiser to face life's challenges and be a greater blessing to others. I just came from a meeting with Nona and Jam for a catch-up cell group gathering/birthday treat where they surprised me with a cake. They also surprised me with a cake at the office and I truly felt appreciated. Also, last Thursday, Ate Angel, Micah and I were finally able to go out for a late birthday dinner. These little celebrations mean a lot to me as they remind me that I did not waste the past 25 years of my life serving myself only, but doing my best to make an impact in the lives of others who are important to me.

my surprise birthday cake from my Nursing Services Office family!

At 25, I am foremost a daughter of God. And it is from this realization and mission that I am able to play the roles of daughter to Papa, sister to my siblings, a worship leader, a nurse/researcher, a student/classmate, a cell group leader and member, a kingdom worker, a family member, a friend, and a lot more. I sometimes feel that I have a lot of things on my plate but as I reflect on it, I know that the little time I have is from God, and I want to spend it meaningfully and intentionally in creating an impact in the lives of others; so that they would also know Christ through me and experience how amazing it is to live with Him and for Him. It's a difficult role to take and I am not always successful; but I keep on trying, knowing that God sees and appreciates my little efforts.

So I say thank you Lord for the privilege of knowing and serving you, and for giving meaning and purpose to my life. I still do not know what the future holds, but I'm enjoying every season, trusting that you have a wonderful plan for me. I have no idea how long my journey here on earth would be, but I am content and assured in knowing that I have you to welcome me at the end. Lead me as I go on with this journey, hopeful that at the very end, I will give you my sweetest smile, and you will smile back at me, pleased and glad because I have been a good and faithful servant :)

I love you, I live for you, and I pray that I would remain in you until the very end:)

Your striving to be a good and faithful servant,

Katy  

On Friends and Thoughtfulness

At the beginning of every year, I always make it a point to resolve to see more of my friends along with 'I will try to be more thoughful'..hehe. I am not always faithful to my promise, but this 2014, so far so good:)

Thank you Lord!

Thank you Jamba Juice for the picture!
It was my first time to try it and it was home for my citrus loving tastebuds!

Back to Ward Jitters

No, I have not been a patient who was transferred to the Operating Room for surgery and would now be transferred back to ward. But I will literally be back to being a ward nurse tomorrow as part of my application for certification.

And now the jitters are back..haha..I can still remember I wrote a similar post when I was about to be transferred to the office, not knowing what to expect and without any idea about what I would be doing. Almost a year later, I'm now given an opportunity to go back, this time with an idea of what I would be doing, so the jitters are there but they're not as bothersome as before.

This is the most current concern, but it's actually just part of a bigger picture as in a few weeks we'll be going through many changes and the melancholic in me can't help but worry a little (okay... more than a little). My physical nature and instincts direct me towards taking actions to gain control in these situations, but I am grateful that God, in His sovereign grace, does not allow me exercise too much independence to the point that I once again begin to rely on myself. His timing, though more painful, is always perfect, and as I look back, I only have praises for Him who puts me in difficult circumstances, probably to test me, but more surely, to draw me once again in loving surrender and dependence to Him who is able to grant peace that surpasses all understanding:).

Tomorrow will be a test in all aspects as I once again put people's lives in my hands and risk being an instrument of either healing or destruction...haha. I don't trust myself to do every bit of it right, but it's better this way because I would surely be very careful para hindi po ako magsabog ng lagim sa ward.

Lord (I say this with a nervously smiling face), kayo na pong bahala sa akin. It's only by your grace that I would, not only pass the certification with flying colors (yehess!) but also serve as a blessing to my patients, my preceptors, and my co-staff. May they see you in me as I strive for excellence with compassion in everything that I do!

Thank you!!! And please wake me up early for the early morning duty! All glory and praise to you Father in Christ's mighty name, Amen!

Love,

Katy:) 

'Insights' from Starting Over Again :p

I just saw Starting Over Again starring Piolo Pascual, Toni Gonzaga, and Iza Calzado, courtesy of Maam Neriz and I'm all smiles not just because I got to watch it for free...hehe...but more because I really really liked and enjoyed the movie.

I can't believe I'm saying this (but no one reads this anyway so I'll spill it) but it makes me hope for a love that would just free me of all my fears. The movie quoted a phrase in one of my favorite verses:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

I admire Ginny's bravery, yet between her and Patty, she was the fearsome one. She knew how it was to live with regret each day, so when she saw Marco again, she was willing to give it her all, including wrong actions and decisions, just to be certain whether they still have that second chance or not. Patty on the other hand has that grace, love, and security in her that enabled her to forgive Marco even when there was already reason to doubt his love for her. And I think I'm more of a Patty, not particularly in that aspect because I have yet to find out (not that I want to find it out in a similar way), but more in terms of handling competition, especially for love. Knowing myself, I'm not the type who would really fight to the nail to be loved back because I don't like competitions in general. My manner of being competitive is doing my best and leaving the results to God, because while I know how it feels to win, I also know how it is to feel less and it's something I would not wish to anybody. So like Patty, my way of handling competitions is "if it's me, it's me; if not, then it's just the way it is", and I would not regret anything because I gave it my best...ibang usapan lang if I know that it wasn't my best shot.

When the time comes, I hope to be able to love without fear, secured in God's love for me, and in the knowledge that my partner is God's son, and his very own personal choice for me as well...haay...it's amazing what a movie can do, or sa'kin lang...haha

Father God...the longing is intensified little by little each day...I have a feeling that your set time is nearing...may I be able to look forward to it in excitement and not in fear...secured in your promises and assured that you LOVE me so much and you only have the BEST in store for me.

Thank you Lord for this happy weekend!

This is what happens when my ginger tea's so hot I could hardly drink it. I can only manage small sips, and it gave me the not so welcome opportunity to process what I'm really feeling and thinking.

I feel low right now. We've been busy, with still a lot of work to be done in the coming days but I've gotten used to being tired since I started working at the hospital. What I cannot easily handle however, are confrontations and relational problems.

Haay...now I have a better understanding of why God hasn't sent His chosen partner for me yet. Last Sunday, Ate got mad at me for 'over-reacting' on her sudden change of mind and I felt really heavy I immediately said sorry for whatever it is that I did. I didn't know what I did wrong, but I was sorry for hurting her.

And today, I feel guilty yet again because I've caused conflict between me, my boss and a co-worker from another department. We're both members of the founding anniversary committee as secretariat and naturally, I followed orders and did whatever I can to assist our Chairman. I welcomed the work and really made every effort to produce whatever was requested of me immediately; however, I got offended when she was requesting for some information she could have just obtained from the Department concerned instead of coursing her question through me and another colleague, asking us to get back to her once we got the information.

It's during these times that my introversion clearly manifests itself because I really hate confrontations. I didn't know how to react. I felt bad but I gave her what she was asking for nonetheless. This morning however, I expressed how I felt to my boss who acted on it. In short, she got reprimanded because of what I shared.

And now I feel bad not only because I'm allergic to conflicts but because I'm also torn inside. I felt that what she did was not right, but I also feel that telling my boss about it wasn't also right. I only wanted to be open, and to express my feelings; but now, after everything that's happened, I've been asking myself, is that what I merely wanted? Or was I hoping at the back of my mind that something be done so she won't be like that anymore?

Whenever I feel like I'm playing the martyr, I recite this verse in my head and assure myself that what I'm doing would give glory to God:

A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 19:11

I've always prayed for God to help me be the good and faithful servant that He wants me to be- to be meek and gentle as His Word says. I'm very far from it, I know, but He also knows that I keep on trying, putting others first even though it hurts already. I don't want to appear self-righteous, to others and even to myself, but I also know that I'm supposed to be meek, gentle, patient, forgiving, and loving- and all these things I try to be even though I fail at times.

But as I thought about what happened, I felt that it didn't have to reach that point where I-felt-so-bad-I-had-to-share-it-with-someone-else if I only asserted myself. Then again, how sure was I that we would be able to meet halfway? I can only control my own feelings and reactions but I can never control theirs.

And that is why I feel low right now. I feel a bit drained even. I know it's the selfish part of me talking now but I feel like I'm giving, and have given so much of myself and I'm not getting enough back. And while it's supposed to be fulfilling that way, it isn't for me. And instead of feeling secure, I feel this longing to be appreciated and loved back.

And now I think I've gone a very a long way from just being low. Jesus help me...my demons are getting stronger and I don't know what to do. I am very very sorry for feeling this way...but it's not comfort that I seek; instead, I pray that you would give me the wisdom to discern what you want me to do. And help me to overcome all these negative feelings by reminding me of the never-ending reasons to be grateful. I pray that your perfect love would drive out all my fears and insecurities, so I may once again be filled with tears, no longer of sorrow but of joy. 

I don't think it would happen overnight, but as I keep trying, help me be content and secured in the knowledge that you see me and know me, yet you still love me. May I do the same to other people, especially to those I really love.

For now, help me sleep not in tears but in peace.

2013 going 14...before, after and in between

Happy New Year!

I've been meaning to write this post since the 1st of January but we've been very busy with gatherings here and there. But I promised myself that I'll keep a record of my thoughts during the holidays (which were a lot) so allow me to start as this might be a long one..hehe

2013 has been a very BIG year for me. I've been blessed BIG time, and my thank yous, no matter how often I say them, would never be enough to express how grateful how I am to God for every part of it! My faith goal to have my foundations laid has been answered, and as I contemplated on my faith goal for this year, I felt that God is not yet finished laying down my foundations. Further, I know that while he also means to strengthen some of these foundations, He has greater plans for the other areas of my life and I can't wait to see them happen in his perfect time!

I had a lot of highlights, with more ups than downs (praise God!) and here are some of them:
- first visit at the Prayer Mountain
- promotion to Nurse 1, yey! and all the perks/benefits that came with it
- mid-year transfer from direct patient care at the ward to the Nursing Services Office (and accomplishing things I never thought I would/could do)
- regular meetings with Jam
- first out-of-town trip with Cell-u-lite (my cell group) in Batangas
- the opportunity to be present in almost all family gatherings
- FCF membership (finally!)
- regular song leading at church
- having enough resources to give to the missions and to the victims of typhoon Yolanda (thank you Lord that we took the role of givers, and not the recipients)
- finishing my first non-academic (aka school-related) research and winning at the Annual Research Forum
- longest vacation since I started working (almost two weeks!!!)

...and of course, my daily highlight!- God's constant provision, protection, guidance, love, grace, and many more! Jesus, you really are the B-E-S-T!(I'm channeling 2NE1's I am the best as I say this..haha)

But seriously, God has been very good and gracious to me; and everything that happened, I know that they're not because 2013 was the year of the Snake (I was born in 1989, also the year of the snake) but because it's God's will for me:)

So thank you Lord because your will is always pleasing and perfect, and whatever year or day it may be, thank you that I am assured of your great and wonderful plans for me!

And on that note...I can't wait for what's in store for me this 2014!

Actually, it's beginning to get exciting already with my new responsibility at church (I'm a member of the prayer team, yay!) and a new job opportunity which I'm still praying for. Our biggest faith goal will probably be acquiring the House, but knowing God, I know that there'll be a lot of surprises that would just pop in here and there. I also intend to begin with my post-graduate studies this year, and step up in my prayer life. I'm turning 25 on August and my sisters say that I've become serious/grumpy. I've also lost contact with some close friends and I feel that I've become less thoughtful and malambing over the years so I have a lot of self-improvement to do in sooooo many aspects of my life.

But knowing that God is at my side (front, back, on top, all around:), I'll just take one day at a time, counting my days aright and striving to glorify him in everything I think, say, and do. That would summarize my New Year Resolve as well (also my forever biggest challenge, but I claim Zechariah 4:6), and as I end this, allow me to wish you and all of us a blessed and fruitful year ahead! Let's make God the center of each day and king of our lives, as we allow ourselves to be surprised by his amazing love, goodness and graciousness for all those who fear and trust in Him!

A Joyful New Year to all of us!