Today's supposed to be my panel interview for promotion. I have set this as one of my faith goals for this year and as early as now, He is helping me set my foundations. But that's another story, and I promise to make a full account of it when I finally get promoted.
The interview did not push through and will be rescheduled so we were about to go home when we learned of a free Hepatitis C screening sponsored by the IM Department in our hospital. I honestly did not want to go for fear of a positive result. This fear of mine goes way back- since 4th Year College. Our college organization had a blood letting drive and those who wanted to participate were allowed to be excused from class. Not that I wanted to miss the lecture because that hardly ever happens, but I haven't had any experience in donating blood and I really wanted to try it so I went, passed the initial screening and was allowed to donate blood. I was so happy with what I did and aside from that first time experience, I also got to try how it felt to momentarily lose consciousness, or in our jargon- syncope. It didn't last for a long time, thank God, with all the nurses and doctors who were around me and immediately provided first-aid treatment.
But one of the biggest scares in my life came a month later. Free screening came with our blood donation and the results were sent to our college in white envelopes. The others' results weren't sealed but mine was, and I've already taken a hint from that. When I opened my results, it read that I was POSITIVE for Hepatitis C. We were having our yearbook staff meeting then but I could hardly think anymore. I guess I remained calm on the outside (thinking about it, I really wasn't so sure anymore..haha) but in my mind, I was overwhelmed with fears and worries for myself, for my family, and for many other things which probably didn't really matter. I feared for my career as a nurse, for the pain it would bring to my family, and for my life. Rationalization became my defense mechanism. The moment I got to the dorm, I clung to my books and started reading about Hepatitis C- the course of the disease, the symptoms which I never had, the possible remaining years I had, and the availability of treatment. I had doubts as to how I got it, the disease being blood-borne, but going to Red Cross and talking with one of their staff didn't do me any good, with all that 'this is going to be confidential' serious and sad talk that made me even depressed. I wanted to keep it to myself at first, not wanting to agonize my father, but I needed someone who will listen, and whom I can trust. Also, I needed money to pay for a legitimate laboratory test..haha.
Telling Papa about it however had it's share of pros and cons. Telling him gave me someone who loves me, pray for me; but he was an even worse worrier (baka melancholic din si papa) than I was and I felt guilty for being the cause of his sleepless nights, and knowing Papa, probably a significant amount of tears as well. Subjecting myself to a proper diagnostic test was a test of courage in itself, not knowing what awaits me, but there was no other way to confirm or negate it so I did it; trusting God and praying hard, and clinging to his promise of a bright future for me.
The results came and though it read NEGATIVE, for me it was the most positive word I've ever laid my eyes on. The first person I told the good news to was Papa, of course, who was so happy and grateful to the Lord that he overcame his fear of speaking in public for a while, and was able to testify in our church.
Before I entered NKTI, I had to have another Hepatitis B and C screening. My fears came back and a part of me worried and thought, what if it was the second test that yielded a false negative result? But this time, I didn't cling to my books first, instead I clung to my Bible and pondered and claimed 1 John 4:18. I surrendered everything to God and now I'm on my way to promotion, all because of God's love and faithfulness.
You must think, I must have been completely relieved by now, but the fear I felt this morning reminded me that if it hadn't been for God, I would have succumbed to and have been paralyzed with my fears. Who knows if the first test was really false positive? Now that I think about it again, it could really have been positive, but the God I serve is so awesome and powerful and nothing is impossible for Him.
The result of the free test this morning yielded another NEGATIVE result. It's been almost a year since my last test and everyday, I am exposed not just to Hepatitis C but also Hepatitis B, HIV, TB and many other diseases. I've had work-related injuries and accidents as well but each day, I surrender myself to the Lord and pray that his holy blood would cover me and protect me from all harm. I try to be careful, but I fail most of the time. Buti na lang I serve an immutable and unfailing God who loves me and cares for me.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
The book I'm currently reading gave an example about a woman who was on a spiritual limb, who wouldn't know what would happen to her if God would let her go. I can relate with her in many ways, because I have no idea (and I don't want to know) where I'd be if God is not my Savior and Lord over my life. With all my shortcomings and weaknesses, He allowed me to serve him, overcome great feats in His name, and even achieve things that others could only dream of.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to be a channel of your blessings to others, and for giving me many opportunities to give You glory. I'll continue to work hard, knowing and trusting that You will never let me go. Again I say I have no idea what awaits me tomorrow, or the following days, weeks, months and years but I just know that with You, my bright future is sealed. Everyday is a process of letting go of my fears and holding on to your promises, but I have faith that you will continue to grant me the grace each day to choose to believe, assured that your love can make the impossible possible for me. Again, Thank You!!!! I love you!
