This is what happens when my ginger tea's so hot I could hardly drink it. I can only manage small sips, and it gave me the not so welcome opportunity to process what I'm really feeling and thinking.

I feel low right now. We've been busy, with still a lot of work to be done in the coming days but I've gotten used to being tired since I started working at the hospital. What I cannot easily handle however, are confrontations and relational problems.

Haay...now I have a better understanding of why God hasn't sent His chosen partner for me yet. Last Sunday, Ate got mad at me for 'over-reacting' on her sudden change of mind and I felt really heavy I immediately said sorry for whatever it is that I did. I didn't know what I did wrong, but I was sorry for hurting her.

And today, I feel guilty yet again because I've caused conflict between me, my boss and a co-worker from another department. We're both members of the founding anniversary committee as secretariat and naturally, I followed orders and did whatever I can to assist our Chairman. I welcomed the work and really made every effort to produce whatever was requested of me immediately; however, I got offended when she was requesting for some information she could have just obtained from the Department concerned instead of coursing her question through me and another colleague, asking us to get back to her once we got the information.

It's during these times that my introversion clearly manifests itself because I really hate confrontations. I didn't know how to react. I felt bad but I gave her what she was asking for nonetheless. This morning however, I expressed how I felt to my boss who acted on it. In short, she got reprimanded because of what I shared.

And now I feel bad not only because I'm allergic to conflicts but because I'm also torn inside. I felt that what she did was not right, but I also feel that telling my boss about it wasn't also right. I only wanted to be open, and to express my feelings; but now, after everything that's happened, I've been asking myself, is that what I merely wanted? Or was I hoping at the back of my mind that something be done so she won't be like that anymore?

Whenever I feel like I'm playing the martyr, I recite this verse in my head and assure myself that what I'm doing would give glory to God:

A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 19:11

I've always prayed for God to help me be the good and faithful servant that He wants me to be- to be meek and gentle as His Word says. I'm very far from it, I know, but He also knows that I keep on trying, putting others first even though it hurts already. I don't want to appear self-righteous, to others and even to myself, but I also know that I'm supposed to be meek, gentle, patient, forgiving, and loving- and all these things I try to be even though I fail at times.

But as I thought about what happened, I felt that it didn't have to reach that point where I-felt-so-bad-I-had-to-share-it-with-someone-else if I only asserted myself. Then again, how sure was I that we would be able to meet halfway? I can only control my own feelings and reactions but I can never control theirs.

And that is why I feel low right now. I feel a bit drained even. I know it's the selfish part of me talking now but I feel like I'm giving, and have given so much of myself and I'm not getting enough back. And while it's supposed to be fulfilling that way, it isn't for me. And instead of feeling secure, I feel this longing to be appreciated and loved back.

And now I think I've gone a very a long way from just being low. Jesus help me...my demons are getting stronger and I don't know what to do. I am very very sorry for feeling this way...but it's not comfort that I seek; instead, I pray that you would give me the wisdom to discern what you want me to do. And help me to overcome all these negative feelings by reminding me of the never-ending reasons to be grateful. I pray that your perfect love would drive out all my fears and insecurities, so I may once again be filled with tears, no longer of sorrow but of joy. 

I don't think it would happen overnight, but as I keep trying, help me be content and secured in the knowledge that you see me and know me, yet you still love me. May I do the same to other people, especially to those I really love.

For now, help me sleep not in tears but in peace.

2013 going 14...before, after and in between

Happy New Year!

I've been meaning to write this post since the 1st of January but we've been very busy with gatherings here and there. But I promised myself that I'll keep a record of my thoughts during the holidays (which were a lot) so allow me to start as this might be a long one..hehe

2013 has been a very BIG year for me. I've been blessed BIG time, and my thank yous, no matter how often I say them, would never be enough to express how grateful how I am to God for every part of it! My faith goal to have my foundations laid has been answered, and as I contemplated on my faith goal for this year, I felt that God is not yet finished laying down my foundations. Further, I know that while he also means to strengthen some of these foundations, He has greater plans for the other areas of my life and I can't wait to see them happen in his perfect time!

I had a lot of highlights, with more ups than downs (praise God!) and here are some of them:
- first visit at the Prayer Mountain
- promotion to Nurse 1, yey! and all the perks/benefits that came with it
- mid-year transfer from direct patient care at the ward to the Nursing Services Office (and accomplishing things I never thought I would/could do)
- regular meetings with Jam
- first out-of-town trip with Cell-u-lite (my cell group) in Batangas
- the opportunity to be present in almost all family gatherings
- FCF membership (finally!)
- regular song leading at church
- having enough resources to give to the missions and to the victims of typhoon Yolanda (thank you Lord that we took the role of givers, and not the recipients)
- finishing my first non-academic (aka school-related) research and winning at the Annual Research Forum
- longest vacation since I started working (almost two weeks!!!)

...and of course, my daily highlight!- God's constant provision, protection, guidance, love, grace, and many more! Jesus, you really are the B-E-S-T!(I'm channeling 2NE1's I am the best as I say this..haha)

But seriously, God has been very good and gracious to me; and everything that happened, I know that they're not because 2013 was the year of the Snake (I was born in 1989, also the year of the snake) but because it's God's will for me:)

So thank you Lord because your will is always pleasing and perfect, and whatever year or day it may be, thank you that I am assured of your great and wonderful plans for me!

And on that note...I can't wait for what's in store for me this 2014!

Actually, it's beginning to get exciting already with my new responsibility at church (I'm a member of the prayer team, yay!) and a new job opportunity which I'm still praying for. Our biggest faith goal will probably be acquiring the House, but knowing God, I know that there'll be a lot of surprises that would just pop in here and there. I also intend to begin with my post-graduate studies this year, and step up in my prayer life. I'm turning 25 on August and my sisters say that I've become serious/grumpy. I've also lost contact with some close friends and I feel that I've become less thoughtful and malambing over the years so I have a lot of self-improvement to do in sooooo many aspects of my life.

But knowing that God is at my side (front, back, on top, all around:), I'll just take one day at a time, counting my days aright and striving to glorify him in everything I think, say, and do. That would summarize my New Year Resolve as well (also my forever biggest challenge, but I claim Zechariah 4:6), and as I end this, allow me to wish you and all of us a blessed and fruitful year ahead! Let's make God the center of each day and king of our lives, as we allow ourselves to be surprised by his amazing love, goodness and graciousness for all those who fear and trust in Him!

A Joyful New Year to all of us!