My writing mojo seems to have ran out, I could hardly blog or write anything on my journal for the past weeks. First I became busy, then sick, then lazy even when I had some free time. I've actually been browsing the net daily, with emphasis on 'browsing' but I found comfort in just reading, without having to express my thoughts, just taking it all in and letting go of some in my mind, not a word spoken, nor a thought written.
But today's different, or more like I want it to be different. It's Holy Monday, my 3rd day of solitude with Ate and Micah already enjoying themselves in La Union, and my second day of prayer and fasting. I'm done with my morning prayer and devotion, a lot of chores are waiting to be accomplished, and my stomach's beginning to bother me a bit...haha, but I want to keep a record of my recent learning before it gets to the back of my mind.
Yesterday Grace and I were chatting in the church after sharing our Kairos growth points as well as our answers to the reflection questions given to us. I told her I really want to be able to read the entire Bible this year so instead of doing it by book the way I've been doing it in the past years, I thought it was best to begin with Genesis and approach it like a big story book that you read from cover to cover. And that's what I do each day, at times reading more or less; and though I wished I had the inner strength to write my insights as well (will probably work on that next year when I read another translation), I've actually been successful so far in keeping my commitment and I'm currently on 1 Samuel, so glad that I decided to do this, and now seeing the stories I thought I know so well since I was young, in a different perspective.
my big commitment
pictures of some parts of the booklet taken with my nanginginig sa gutom hands..haha
After our Kairos session we had the launching of the first day of our week-long prayer and fasting in observance of the Holy Week. While I want to spend time with the Lord in prayer and fasting, a part of my mind was worried and hesitant because it was in conflict with my most-awaited vacation in the province. I still remember exactly how I felt while I was filling up the type of fast I was going to commit. I was laughing with Liza and Razelle because they too had the same dilemma...haha
Yesterday, I already fasted breakfast in preparation for my worship leading that morning and I was actually looking forward to lunch so I was tempted at first to commit to skip only one meal and make that the breakfast I've already missed. I knew it was for a different purpose so I was led to finally check One Meal only, which I've decided to keep until Tuesday. I'll be coming home on Wednesday so from then on and for the remaining days I've decided to write Internet Fast on Others. While I'm confident that I can do the One Meal only fast, I also would like to be able to show value to the few precious days I'll be spending with Papa by eating all meals with them.
With all that arranged, I was ready, but I also knew in my heart that I was doing it halfheartedly. I spent the entire afternoon watching t.v. and when evening came, my body wanted so much to just sleep and ditch praying and reading the Word again, reasoning out with myself that we were done with it in church anyway. But I thank the Lord for His grace, and with Him as the strength of my heart, I was able to muster the discipline I needed to take a few minutes to read once again, pray, and reflect.
I then realized that I was more vulnerable to all these temptations because I wasn't sure with myself if I would do it. I've done it before so I can do it, but I needed time to settle with myself if I want to do it, and if I would actually do it. I haven't made the BIG decision, that's why I had trouble making the smaller ones. My Bible-reading project has been successful because I've already made the BIG decision of doing it. I do encounter obstacles daily and there were days that I really wasn't able to read even a few verses but they were just temporary hindrances; I could easily bounce back because in my heart and mind I've already RESOLVED to DO IT. The same goes with all the decisions and commitments I have made in the past- it was easier to make the line-up when I've made the BIG DECISION to lead worship wholeheartedly, I could wake up and prepare myself without a heavy heart when I've made up my mind that I would go to work that day, I'm more patient in doing the chores when I've set my mind on doing them...
It's when I haven't made the BIG DECISION that it became easier to make compromises. When I'm halfhearted about something, I had a lot of reasons and I always found a way to tweak it and make things easier for myself. I now understand why some habits I've been trying to break keep coming back, it's because I still haven't made the solid decision to STOP. Looking back, I've always known this, but it's only now that I've made the BIG decision to acknowledge it as a TRUTH in my life.
Thankfully, my God is patient. When He made the big offer to save me, it was for eternity, and though I've hurt him many times in the past and still do, his love for me is steadfast, never letting go, always allowing me to learn and realize my sin, and always waiting for me to return to his warm embrace in forgiveness. And so now I'm sticking with my prayer and fasting commitment. It won't be easy, I KNOW..haha, but with the BIG decision made and with God's grace, what seemed to be a huge sacrifice has now become my humble offering to the Lord; compromises have become unacceptable; and most of all, what used to be strong and loud hunger pangs seemed like normal, beautiful gurgles I welcome and look forward to having...okay, that's not true, that's just me encouraging myself...haha
But I really pray that from here on I would always be reminded to make the BIG decision, with accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior as the biggest of them all. In my walk with Him, I'll surely encounter many obstacles (most of them self-inflicted slash my fault), but I'm determined to make it BIG with my BIG God (no one compares:) and be the best 'good and faithful servant' I can be.
