After a 7-day hibernation from social media, I am back!
It was self-imposed, yes; but not without good reason. It's the season of fasting in FCF once again and I gladly and thankfully participated with the week-long communal prayer and fasting.
A week-long prayer and fasting could be overwhelming at first. In truth, difficult would be an understatement especially the first time I tried it a few years ago. I've always chosen the one-meal a day fast (yes, I eat just but one meal) because I don't think I can keep up with the water only or liquids only fast with my studies and hospital duties then, and now with my work and other activities. On the other hand, to give up just one meal isn't much of a sacrifice for me because I'm used to skipping meals when I've overslept or I've eaten more than usual from the previous meal. After 3 years of doing it though, I still haven't really been doing it the way I would've wanted. I keep my body hydrated with water all throughout the day to ward off hunger until it's time to eat, but the hunger pangs are really difficult to bear. As a result, I end up binge-eating on that supposedly 'normal' mealtime. I'm a work in progress though, and comparing how this one went with the other ones I did in the past years gives me a reason to thank God for the big improvements. I still eat more than the usual meal, as if trying to store food that could last me for the next 24 hours, but I have greater control this time. I relied more in the strength that comes from God and His Word, with the aid of nutritious foods, Vitamin C, Vitamin B complex, and Iron supplements. And even with my work schedule and the unpredictable weather we had this week, I am free from any sickness or disease, praise the Lord!
I wasn't able to get a copy of the prayer and fasting manual that was used by the church for this year so I went back to my consecration manual from last year and made good use of the the past 7 days, repenting and offering myself back to God. It was a renewing experience for my mind, heart, spirit, and my body as well because I've always believed that it's when I'm weakest that God is strongest.
But the miracle I received from God that really left me in awe in the past days was the discovery that all the faith goals I declared and prayed for last year have all been answered by our gracious, merciful and loving Father. I had them all written in a small piece of paper and when I found it and read through it, I couldn't help but smile and feel 'kilig' upon realizing that they have all been answered!!!
I'm still growing in my faith and walk with the Lord and I'm not sure if what I have at present is the correct mindset for prayer. I pray to my Lord to talk to him, to experience His presence and know Him more, to ask for forgiveness for the sins I've committed, to thank Him for all the marvelous things He has done for me, to ask for our needs, and some wants, including the deepest desires of my heart. Especially in a time of prayer and fasting, I am expectant for answers from him, holding on to his promise that if I ask anything in prayer, I only have to believe that I have received it, and it will be given to me. When exactly? I have no idea. I have my pleadings but I also know that God knows better. There is a time for everything and because it is a blessing from him, I just know that when it comes, it is the perfect time. I may argue with his will in my heart sometimes, but I have full faith that he will grant it in his own perfect terms; and if he doesn't, it's maybe because it isn't right for me, and he's giving me something way better.
And it's not just because I'm at the receiving end that I let him call the shots. It's just that the past 22 years of my life has been a continuing testament of God's love for me and his faithfulness. I do not deserve any of it but He still gave it all to me and for me wholeheartedly. I could keep on living my life any way I want to, but ever since I've accepted him as Lord and Savior of my life, it really has never been the same. It's been a wonderful roller coaster ride with its own share of joys and trials, but always with Him, the end is always beautiful.
Those who do not believe probably would not understand. Some would even accuse me of not living my own life. But is it really my life to live? The answer is both a qualified yes and no. Yes because I am created a free being who makes my own choices and decisions. And no, because when I surrendered my life to God to receive his gift of eternal life, I also gave up my right to my life. I allowed Christ to graciously take the burden for all my sins, and with His death on the cross, he has bought my life with a BIG price. And so the life I have now, I live for God.
But it's actually more difficult than living my life as if I own it. The standard is Christ, in all his goodness and perfection; and when I look at myself, I see a hopeless sinner, who can do nothing good on my own. And so I thank God for His love that is greater than any sin I have or will commit in the future. He has enabled me to be victorious, with the power and strength that comes from him. And for the many sins I'm still working on (though they seem to be endless), I thank Him for his promise that I only have to humble myself, confess my sins and ask forgiveness, and He will cleanse me from all unworthiness.
Buti na lang talaga God looks at the heart because the only thing I can really offer to him is my desire to serve Him and worship Him with all that I am. Even though I failed and still fail for so many times, He's already pleased that I keep on rising from every fall with His grace, to try again...and again...and again...
The lines from this song (I Live, I Breathe by Jon Owens)- one of my favorites, best describes how I want to show my love and gratitude to my Savior...
Now I receive your grace
I receive your mercy
I wanna be like you, to follow your heart
And for me, it isn't enough to take your name
Accept your gift, and remain the same
I want to honor you and bless you all of my days
And so I keep on renewing my covenants and commitments with my Father each day, asking for forgiveness for all my sins, and the strength to fully turn away from them. God will not really gain anything with the 7 day prayer and fasting I did because He is God- and that just says it all. It is actually more for my spiritual growth, for the revelation of His will in my life, to know Him more, and to draw myself closer to Him...but with a hope and prayer in my heart that He delights in my offering of my praise...
Well, His overflowing blessings and answers to all my prayers are more than enough expressions of His love for me, especially on top of his greatest gift, his promise of eternal life. I hope to repeat this again next year or better yet, to do this more frequently (although for less than 7 days maybe...haha)
Grant me the strength each day Father to live my life the way you want me to. All that I am and all that I have, I offer back to you who is the source of all good things, may what you see in me give you joy and bring a smile on your face. Because to have you smile at me, is the greatest achievement I could probably ever have in this life...
Lots of love,
Katy:)
P.S. For now Jesus, I'm excited to eat and play again:)
